Let The Battles Begin!
by AEonVicious
Summary: Learning to speak Russian? Pft... How hard could that be?
1. Greetings, Alphabet and 'P'

I own nothing!

Literally, I'm broke guys…anyone got a cookie?

Lesson 1 : Greetings!

The two stared at each other from across the table. In the background the clock ticked, unaware of their tension. At last a soft giggle broke the silence and America flinched, Texas sliding a bit further down his nose.

"Uh…" The nation cleared his throat. "So…let's just get this over with."

"We shall start immediately then?" Russia questioned happily and his companion only grunted.

_Damn that guy, ordering me to learn this totally stupid and not at all cool language!_ America fumed.

In light of recent moves to enhance friendly relations with the Russian Federation the President of the United States had thought it would make a fine show of goodwill to be able exchange language equally.

Ivan already knew English.

This meant Alfred…

America stared at the papers his new 'teacher' had so eagerly laid in front of him. He picked one up, his brain throbbing at the sight of rows of something that looked like messed up blocks. "Seriously." He laughed. "What's wrong with your language?"

Russia's eye twitched. "Let's begin." Leaning back the larger nation thought for a moment. "Although…I suppose with your sub-par mental abilities you may not be capable of handling such a difficult language."

_A challenge? Alfred F. (Indiana!) Jones was freaking __there!_

"Please!" The self proclaimed hero sputtered with laughter, blue eyes shining. "It's not like your stupid-letter language is all that hard – _you_ learned it after all!"

Ignoring the jab Russia smiled. "I am glad to see such confidence! Then I shall start with a simple greeting, Да? I will teach you how to say 'hello'."

Alfred nodded.

"Listen," Ivan instructed slowly. "Then repeat after me."

"Fire away!"

"Здравствуйте!"

Alfred blinked, mouth slightly open as Ivan beamed back at him.

"Your turn!"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Alfred stopped him. "What the crap was that?"

"Hello."

Laughing loudly Alfred leaned back. "You had me fooled there for a second buddy! Now come on, stop joking and tell me how to say 'hello'."

"As you wish."

Listening closely Alfred waited.

"Здравствуйте! "

"Say wha-"

Russia very deliberately slowed the greeting down, enunciating as clearly as possible. "Здравствуйте."

This time the American took longer to respond – the gears in his mind finally spitting out an unpleasant answer. "That's how you fucking say hello?"

" Да."

"…"

"Seriously, what the fuck?"

Now smiling happily Russia gathered his papers. "Too difficult, Amerika?"

"Where do I even start to tell you how impossibly wrong your language is…?"

And so began Alfred's slow descent into linguistic hell.

* * *

Lesson 2 : Alphabet

"You can't make sounds like that."

Russia smiled childishly at him. "Of course I can, Amerika. I just did."

"No. You didn't. You made some sort of weird garbling sound and told me it meant hello. Are you going to take this seriously or what?"

For a moment he was met with a blank, unresponsive stare before Ivan frowned slightly. "You do not understand?"

"Not a fucking syllable, Russia."

Now it was the larger nations turn to think. Russia leaned back and crossed his arms as he tried to work out the scenario in his mind.

America really couldn't understand him?

"Amerika?"

"What?"

Taking his time, Russia proceeded slowly."Even when I slowly spoke to you, you could not catch what I was trying to say?"

America stared in shock, realizing Russia hadn't been kidding him this whole time. "You were actually trying to say something?"

Russia put his head in his hands. "Apparently you are far less…"

Ivan caught the young country looking at him, growing impatient.

Perhaps he should try another approach...

Russia gathered the papers lying on the table and after a moment of searching pulled one out of the pile, turning it to face his student. On the surface of the paper was a grid, neatly divided up to display his alphabet. "I suspect that much of your troubles come from a basic unfamiliarity with the vocal patterns of my language, Да?"

"Wha-"

"You do not know how to pronounce Russian words." His teacher rephrased patiently.

"Yeah. No, I don't have a fucking clue." America grinned. "I take pride in my complete lack of Russification."

"Ooh…a word exceeding three syllables! Very good!" Russia praised him.

"Can it. What's with the chart?"

"This," Russia pointed to the chart. "Is the language of my people in its written form. This is Cyrillic."

America leaned in closer. "So that fucked up cube alphabet has a name huh? Sirilec?"

"Cyrillic." Russia corrected.

"Siryllic?"

Stifling a soft '_kol kol'_ Ivan pointed at the first letter in the chart, tapping it with his finger and making sure Alfred took a good look at it. The Americans bright blue eyes took in the sight. "Do you know what this is, Amerika?"

Throwing his head back Alfred laughed, pointing a thumb to his chest. "Of course! Your letters may be stupid and all but they're not so hard to figure out!"

With an indulgent smile Russia once again pointed to the chart.

**А**

"America. What is this letter?"

"A!" Alfred happily answered, feeling proud to have gotten the answer right.

"Ah."

With a grin Alfred very nearly patted himself on the back before he saw Russia pointing at the letter again."

"This one," He announced with a mischievous sweetness; "Is pronounced 'Ah.'

"Eh?"

"Ah."

Good mood dampened, America took a closer look at the letter. "It doesn't look like an 'ah.' It looks like an 'a'."

"_Kolkolkol_…"

"Okay!" America threw his hands up. "It's freaking 'Ah'!"

"Good." Russia's pleasant mood returned and he pointed to the next letter.

**Б**

"And this one?"

Alfred chuckled. "It looks a little messed up but that's definitely a 'b'."

"Beh." Russia corrected. "While; like A, it is nearly equivalent to it's counterpart in your language it is pronounced 'beh' in mine. Imagine it as at the beginning of the word 'bat'."

"Sure, sure. Beh."

Next Russia pointed to **В.**

Alfred raised an eyebrow. "We already did this one."

"I am sorry to say that no, we have not."

For a moment the American glared at the letter, as if it had offended him by daring to be something other than an English 'B'.

"Fine. What's this one then? If that one-" He pointed to **Б. "**is 'beh' then what the heck is this?"

"Veh, as in your English word – 'van'."

From his spot Alfred tilted his head. "It's a V?"

"I believe that is its equivalent."

Russia smiled, glad that America (despite incredible odds) seemed to be making progress. Alfred gave a growl and jabbed his finger at the next letter, **Г**_**.**_

"I'm pretty sure that's R, there's not much else it could be…"

"'Geh'"

He moved to poke another but stopped, realizing he had no idea what the hell **Д **could be.

"Why the hell do you have two 'E's?"

Russia leaned in to look and gave a wide eyed, "Oh." in recognition.

"This one," (**Е) **"Is pronounced 'yeh' and this one-" (**Ё**) "is pronounced as 'yo'."

Taking a moment America truly looked over the chart – eyes taking in the whole picture. If it was set up anything like the totally awesome and not at all creepy alphabet of the good-ol U.S. of A. then the next one should be ( he crossed his fingers)–

He jabbed his finger at **Ж – **possibly the weirdest attempt at writing he'd ever seen next to England's scrawl. "Then this one is definitely 'F'"

For a moment Ivan looked over at it and then laughed.

"Нет! That is 'Zheh'" He proclaimed, a strange sound coming out that Alfred could only guess belonged to the supposed letter.

"It is similar to the sound in 'bei**ge**'."

"Dammit to hell, Russia!" Alfred finally exploded, wide eyed as he threw his hands in the air. "Did you make this language with the specific _goal_ of driving me insane?"

Russia chuckled quietly to himself, burying his head in his scarf.

_God…_America mused, watching the large man giggling like a child.

_No wonder he's nuts._

* * *

Lesson 3 : P

The clock ticked upon the wall, seemingly amused by the whole situation.

Alfred was seriously drained. He glanced at the tick-mocking clock and groaned. They had only been working on this for an hour and had gotten pretty much nowhere. But hey, it wasn't his fault that Russia had such a backwards language – maybe everyone should just stick to learning American – like him!

"Why are we here again…?" Alfred whined. "I'm hungry, I'm tired and your language is dumb."

"I assure you my language is anything but." Ivan responded tiredly.

"Is too."

"It is a wonderful language."

"Nuh uh."

"Amerika…" The Russian gave a low ominous growl. Being confined in a room with the unruly nation was seriously taxing the limits of his patience. He was beginning to long for the quietness of his own home. "Focus."

Alfred snorted.

For the next ten minutes they worked on pronunciation – Alfred awkwardly sounding out the letters as Ivan pointed to them. Russia was quite pleased that things seemed to be going so smoothly now. It had been a little bit of a rough start but America had finally caught on.

"And this one?" Russia questioned, smiling.

He pointed – **Р**

"R."

Russia paused. "What was that, America?"

"That's what it is right? An R?"

"Try pronouncing it again."

"R."

"You need to roll this one, America."

Alfred stared dumbly at him. "It's not a freaking barrel Russia, it's a letter. You can't roll letters."

_So much for progress..._

"Like this – " Russia indicated, clearly rolling the **Р **with great ease. With a smile he pointed to it again. "Please try."

"Did you just fucking purr at me?"

"What do you mean?" Ivan asked, eyes childishly wide.

Alfred broke into a wild fit of laughter. "Dude! You totally just purred! Like a cat!"

Russia growled.

"No! Not like that! Do the other purr-thing again!"

Sharply, Ivan kicked him under the table and smiled as America yelped. "Your turn – to pronounce this letter." Ivan amended the second half quickly as he realized America might take his offer as an excuse to attack his own shins.

"Rr."

"Try again."

"Damn. RRRRRR..."

"That is hardly how it's pronounced. Are you having more difficulty controlling your tongue than usual?"

"What the - RAWRRAWRRAWR - Crap! RRRRRRRAAAA- Dammit!"

Ivan stared at Alfred who slumped back in his seat, tearing at his hair in frustration. Then the man leaned forward, putting his head on the table. "I can't." He whispered.

Turning to the side Russia began to laugh, doing his best to muffle the sound with his scarf. After a minute or so he managed to catch his breath enough to ask, "What do you mean, you cannot? Even small children in my country have mastered this skill."

With a devious smirk and glinting violet eyes he continued. "Are you implying that you have less skill than a child?"

Alfred opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again before whining.

"SHUT UP!"

Opening the door to the meeting room Arthur paused, noticing that Alfred was sitting alone in a dark corner of the room – a dark cloud above his head.

Ivan, on the other side simply smiled contentedly.

* * *

**Author Note :  
**

_One of the harder things to learn about the Russian language for us Americans – the rolled R. We don't use it at all in English so it's pretty foreign. It's not impossible to learn though – it just takes practice._

_And yes, I have heard someone refer to English as 'American'._

_-.- ;_

_Good Luck, America!_

_Rrr..._

_Damn._

_*cries*_


	2. AAAGGG!, Kol?, Patience

Lesson 4: AAAGGG!

"Are you ready, Amerika?"

The blond man took a deep breath, calming himself. His blue eyes snapped back open. "Yeah, I think so."

Russia gave a pleased smile. "Good. Then let us try our greeting one more time."

Alfred took another moment to gather his thoughts. "Здр-" He paused, closing his eyes to concentrate on the sounds. "Здрав-"

Russia's eyes grew owlishly wide in anticipation.

"Здравствуйте!" Alfred finally blurted.

Ivan clapped his hands. "You did it Amerika!" He praised, smiling at the nation who seemed to be frozen in shock. "Aa...AAAAAAAAGGGGGGG!"

Russia blinked. "What is the matter, Amerika?"

Mouth still partially open, Alfred whined. "The hell~~~" He shivered before putting his hands on the table and staring in shock at the wood.

"Amerika?"

The other country moved his mouth as if he wasn't quite sure what he had just done. "That…"

"Yes?"

Alfred whined. "That just felt so… _wrong_!"

Ivan growled softly. "And what is 'wrong' now?"

"What the hell do you mean 'what is wrong'?" Alfred demanded as he slammed a hand on the table - eyes wide and horrified. "God Russia! I was just violated by your language!"

Russia's eye twitched.

"Seriously, that was really fucking weird Russia – your language is a pervert!"

"Oh? And how did you come to this conclusion, Amerika?" Ivan responded with a strained smile. "Not that I truly care to know how that empty hollow where your brain should be functions."

"Don't act all high and mighty! Don't you feel that? When you talk?"

"I feel the same as I always do – speaking or not."

"How can you not notice it?" America stammered, honestly surprised. "The moment I said that '_word_' –."

Alfred spoke it as if it were something dirty he was referring to – "I just felt…._wrong _somehow. It makes your mouth move in ways it shouldn't! It's indecent!"

Ivan sighed. He wanted to slam America's head into the wooden table – he really did! But all of this was for the sake of strengthening their diplomatic relationship. Beating America to a pulp would defeat that purpose.

"Hey! Is your entire language full of molester syllables or just that word?"

_Breathe slowly, Ivan_ – the northern nation thought to himself. _Think of sunflowers…_

"You are acting like a child, Amerika. All the people in my country speak this language and none seem to feel the way about it that you do. So-"

He gave the American an ominous look, almost daring Alfred to defy him. "Continue practicing. Please repeat the word."

"I don't wanna!"

"America-"

"No! Don't make me say it – get off!"

It had only taken Russia an instant to reach across the table as Alfred attempted to make a run for it and in one swift movement throw the American to the floor, twisting his arm.

"Why Amerika" Ivan chided him with a smile. "It is only a little word! You will not die if you say it."

"I will too die!"

"No, you will not. Now say it."

"NEVER!" Alfred screamed defiantly.

Russia twisted his arm more.

"Owwowwowowo – I call foul! Ow! Leggo! Fine! Здравствуйте!"

Letting his student back up Russia smiled. "Do you see, Amerika? That was not so difficult, da?"

From the floor Alfred shuddered again. "AAAAAGGGG!"

"Get up before I do something unpleasant, Amerika."

"Fine." Alfred pouted, slowly climbing to his feet and dusting the lint from the tile from his jacket. "Don't care that I was just traumatized by that devils growling you call a language."

Sitting back down at the table they began work again – America grimacing every time he learned a new word as if something unpleasant was happening to him.

"You will grow accustomed to this." Russia assured him, an annoyed edge in his voice.

"What like you? This language is seriously freaky…Oh god!"

Alfred stared for a moment with such intensity that Ivan couldn't help but feel awkward.

"You're _into_ kinky shit like that, aren't you?"

* * *

Shutting the door behind him Ivan sighed. He really wasn't sure just how much more of America's childish ways he could take. But now, he was in a much better mood. Walking down the hall he hummed to himself.

Perhaps once America regained consciousness they should continue the lesson.

* * *

Lesson 5 : Kol?

He wasn't sure why Russia was mad. He was just glad it wasn't at him. Standing next to the larger nation, waiting for the summit to start Alfred watched Ivan closely.

"_Kolkolkolkolkol…"_ With a sigh Russia stopped his chanting, but continued to glare after some nation that America wasn't really familiar with.

"Um."

The glare turned to him, cold and fierce before it softened into its usual childishness. "Hm?"

"What is that? That Kol thing?"

At this Russia smiled. "It is a habit of mine, America. Whenever I am angry I seem to say it."

"Oh…" Alfred nodded. "That's kinda weird but hey, you're a weird guy so whatever."

Russia's look darkened just a fraction.

"So anyway," America continued, oblivious. "What does it mean?"

"There are a lot of meanings to it, America. Many things are implied with the word Kol."

"Like cool things?"

Ivan gave a slow smile. "It is complicated. One meaning…involves a stick."

Alfred frowned – how was that even related?

"Another involves a farm. And the third involves a bell."

"Uh-huh." America responded, unsure but interested at how a stick, a farm and a bell fit together.

"However;" Russia continued. "All of its meanings appear to be very good at –." He paused. "-_Persuading_ others."

"To do what?"

Russia scratched his head. "Well, in the old days to avoid the Gulag camps..."

Alfred tilted his head. "Huh? Isn't that soup? Is it really so bad no one wants to eat it? Oh no – did Iggy make it?"

"No no. It is a facility."

There was a momentary lull.

"What? Is it cool?"

Russia frowned. "It can be very cold, da."

"Really?" America's face lit up. "It's cool?"

A devious glint came into Russia's eyes and he smiled widely. "You would like to see, America?"

"America, NO!" Arthur yelled from the other side of the room, causing Alfred to look over questioningly. "Bloody idiot!"

* * *

Lesson 6 : Patience

Setting his briefcase on the table, Arthur sighed. He really didn't want to be here – but it was his duty as a nation and he wasn't one to shirk his responsibilities.

"England?"

Turning, Arthur nearly squeaked as he jumped back against the table – none other than Russia towering above him. The man was staring at him with that same creepy expression that made Arthur keep his distance at all times – excluding this one but only because he hadn't been given a bloody choice!

"Y-yes, Russia?"

Ivan smiled. "England. You have my sincerest admiration. Your patience is incredible. I must say, I find you a great inspiration."

"Uh...wha?" England stammered as Russia watched on.

"HEY IGGY!"

"What do you want?"

"That's mean…" America pouted, slowing his run as he approached but walking a little more resolutely upon realizing the close proximity of his new acquaintance and his old friend. "Hey! Russia! Don't go getting all close to Iggy just because you're my teacher and all."

Arthur stopped him. "Wait. What is Ivan teaching you?"

"Russian."

Suddenly England was doubled over, laughing loudly while his former charge demanded to know what was so funny about him learning another language and threatening to totally kick his ass if he didn't stop laughing at him this instant! "HAH! Patience! Makes sense now."

"IGGY! I can do it! I swear!"

Arthur only continued to laugh. With a sullen expression Alfred looked at Russia who was now giggling himself.

_Why do I have to do this again?_

"Alfred?"

"Huh?"

America turned. He thought he heard something. Must have been his imagination – or Arthur's. Seriously he could never tell what sort of imaginary creature he'd invent next…

"Привет, Canada!"

"Bonjour, Russia!"

Alfred jumped – his brother materializing beside him. "WHOA MATTIE!" He yelled, making his brother jump a bit. "How'd you do that?"

"I've been here for two minutes, Alfred."

"Really?"

"…" Ignoring his younger sibling Matthew turned to Ivan with a shy smile. "So, I just wanted to confirm this but…we're still up for hockey tomorrow, right?"

"Dа. I am looking forward to competing with you again." The Russians smile grew. "I enjoy such lively opponents. We will meet at the usual rink if that is alright with you?"

"Sounds great!" Smiling, Canada took his leave, only calling back, "Bye Arthur, by Alfred." as he did.

For a moment America stood in dumbfounded shock.

_He just…_

"HEY!" Alfred turned to face Ivan again, face turning red. "Since when have you and my brother-"

"We have been playing hockey for many years, America."

"Really?"

"Dа. You did not know?"

Blushing, Alfred looked away. "No…" Suddenly he looked up again, dramatically pointing his arm out at Russia. "HOLD IT!"

Ivan blinked. "Yes?"

Alfred gave him a serious look. "What was that you said to Mattie – when he walked up?"

"Привет."

"And what does that mean?"

"Hello."

The frustrated scream that echoed across the conference room drew everyone's attention as Alfred made a spectacle of himself, tearing at his blond hair.

"What. The. Fuck? Then what the hell was that other word-"

"Здравствуйте?"

Alfred shivered. "Yeah! That perv. word! What the hell does _that_ mean then?"

"Hello."

Gritting his teeth, Alfred took a deep breath. "You have two ways to say hello?"

"Dа."

"And you made me learn the longer one?"

Ivan nodded, growing more amused with each question.

"Why...?"

At this Russia giggled softly. "Dear America. I told you I would teach you Russian. And I am – I wish to teach you proper Russian. Instead of that careless informality that you have butchered poor England's language with – I want you to speak with politeness and dignity if you are to utter words in my mother tongue."

"W-well…"

He turned to his former guardian. "IGGY!"

England sighed; secretly a little glad someone else had noticed how horribly the boy had mangled his language. "I say it's a wonderful idea. Learning to speak properly will get you farther than you think Alfred."

"Well…shut up!"

* * *

**Author Notes :**

_Like, OMG!_

_Haha. I'm glad to see such an overwhelming response! Thanks to everyone for reading this story of mine – I'm glad you all enjoy it so much._

_And I kid you not, my friend and I had an entire conversation along these lines in the car while running errands. I was trying to practice saying a few words ( and roll my R's, damnit.) For native English speakers there's an interesting side effect to pronouncing Russian words – because it requires us to use our whole mouth in a totally different way it tends to feel…well…really fucking weird._

_And what does 'Kol' have to do with a stick, a farm and a bell anyway? You'll have to just look that up for yourself._

_^.^_

_Oh, and there's one more meaning for - Kol. Can you guess what it is?_


	3. Wrong way, Things unsaid, Black Book

Lesson 7 : Wrong Way

Pouting, Alfred kicked at the wall outside of the meeting hall. "I know he was making fun of me. Why doesn't he believe I can learn Russian?"

"Because who would?" A mocking voice asked.

Alfred looked over at the grinning youth who was leaning against the wall a few feet away, his strange crimson eyes glowing with humor.

"I mean, seriously? You?"

"I can do it, Prussia!"

"Sure you can," Gilbert waved his statement away. "America speaking Russian is a little like a fish learning to fly. It just can't be done!"

Alfred shot him a look. Gilbert sighed, then smirked. "Wouldn't you like to _really_ impress Russia?"

"Yeah…I guess." Alfred admitted before putting his hands behind his head and yawning. "But it's not like _you_ could do anything."

Prussia laughed and jabbed a thumb at his chest. "Remember? I used to live with Russia!"

America perked up. "Yeah! That's right! Iggy, France and I sent you there – you should have seen the look on your face!"

The albino's grin darkened a bit. "Yeah. I totally had to learn Russian that time – so I know what I'm talking about. So-" Prussia inquired, leaning in. "You wanna learn something that's _really_ gonna impress him?"

"Really?" America smiled, ecstatic. "You're awesome!"

"You don't have to tell me, I know!" Prussia responded with a laugh- Gil-bird chirping excitedly as he wrapped an arm around America's shoulders. "Now listen up…"

Russia sighed.

Was America really going to miss this meeting? Hopefully not.

As much as he was beginning to dread it Ivan was responsible for teaching the airhead how to speak his wonderful language. What was worse was that America was so dense he couldn't show one ounce of appreciation for all of Russia's hard work! If he could just do something right…

"Hey Russia!"

"Yes, America?" Ivan forced a smile.

The other nation was running up to him, waving an arm happily as he approached. "How ya doing, Хуесос!"

For a moment, Ivan's face seemed to be frozen in that forced smile before his eyes became large and bright and a wide grin spread across his face. "Amerika…"

"Did I get it right?" Alfred asked hopefully, like a kid hoping for approval.

Russia laughed, nodding. "Yes! Your pronunciation was flawless! I am surprised by your choice of words, however. Do you really mean this?"

"Damn right I do! So it was impressive, right?"

"Да!"

"Alright!" With a victory cheer Alfred punched the air. "Because that's totally how hero's roll! Isn't that right Russia?"

When Alfred looked back at his teacher he noticed something strange.

It looked like Russia had a pipe.

Now it looked like he was swinging-

Ducking back like he'd totally seen in the movies, Alfred barely avoided being hit – the steel pipe scraping slightly across Texas as he leaned back.

"WHOA! HOLY SHI- RUSSIA?"

There was an ominous chanting, like something trying to call the legions of the unholy, coming from Russia – whose smile was bright and childlike but whose eyes were – to be blunt – scary as shit.

"R-R-R-Russia? What's wrong…c'mon…you can tell me- OH GOD!"

Turning tail, America didn't wait around to duck the second swing that Ivan was surely trying to aim at his head. When he heard heavy boots stomping behind him he blew through the conference-room doors and into the hall –booking it as fast as his fast food loving ass would allow.

"What did I _say_?" He cried, sure there was some horrible mistake as Russia pursued with deadly intent – a deep "_**KOLKOLKOLKOL-**_" Issuing from him the entire time.

* * *

Lesson 8 : Things Unsaid

Lithuania thought he heard something.

Turning away from the vending machine he looked down the hall, curious. There shouldn't be anyone down here – except him. Although if someone else wanted a drink then he supposed he might-

Suddenly, America appeared, skidding around the corner before sprinting madly down the hall.

"A-America?" Toris wondered in astonishment as the American approached with lighting speed. "What's going on? You're acting like the devils' on your heels."

He gave a joking laugh just as Russia came skidding around the same corner, hot on his unfortunate students trail.

"Amerikaaaaaa~~~!" Ivan taunted in a sing-song voice, swinging the pipe as he ran.

"Liiiiieeeeeeeeettttttttt!"

Toris turned tail. Bolting down the hall, in a moment America was beside him – already panting.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Lithuania demanded, green eyes wide with fear as he noticed Russia gaining on them.

"I just said "How ya doing, Хуесос!""

Toris almost tripped mid-stride, face going sheet-white.

America noticed. "So it's something I shouldn't have said?"

"Where did you hear that?"

"Prussia told me-"

"YOU LISTENED?"

"_Amerikaaaaaaa~~~!"_

Dear God, Ivan was gaining on them, Alfred noticed with dread.

"Я тебя выеблю, сука!"

For a split second America wondered how Lithuania had managed to get so far ahead of him all of a sudden – the boy must be hauling some serious ass! With a glance back Alfred picked up the pace.

"Piyo!"

Gilbert looked back, bored. It was probably West coming to bitch at him about something or other. Lithuania came flying around the corner, making Prussia laugh.

"What's up? Latvia open his mouth again?"

"PRUSSIA!" The irate nation screamed, green eyes flashing.

Prussia flinched, it'd been literally hundreds of years since he'd seen Lithuania pissed – and he could be damn scary when he wanted to be…

America flew around the corner, big soppy tears in the corner of his eyes as he ran.

"LIET! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?"

Russia rounded the corner, darkness akin to that of the deepest pits of hell following him.

"**KOLKOLKOLKOLKOL-"**

"SHIT!"

Prussia was suddenly racing down the hall, wondering what the hell he'd just gotten into.

"Prussia! You better take responsibility for this! Tell Russia the truth!"

"Bist du Verruckt?" Gilbert screamed back, his yellow bird giving a 'PIYO!' of agreement. "I aint' telling Russia shit!"

"Just tell him!" Lithuania pleaded, he was starting to get tired and 'worse yet' Russia was gaining – rapidly closing the distance between them.

Racing through an open door (Prussia in the lead) Gilbert, Toris, and Alfred ran down a flight of stairs and into a separate hall under the main building. There were now in a corridor nearly thirty yards long - at the end of which was a steel door that led to freedom, safety and everything good in the world.

"Thank You God!" America cheered when he saw the glowing portal just ahead.

Prussia raced through, sliding at the last minute the way a baseball player does when trying to make it safe to the next base – and in that same moment grabbing the door as he slid through, slamming it shut.

"WHAT?"

Toris skidded to a halt, managing to slow down considerably before he could hit the door – which he hit anyway when Alfred slammed into him at full speed.

"Ah!" Lithuania rubbed his nose.

Through the thick – crossed wire security glass they could see Prussia, lying stretched out on a pair of steel stairs that led back up to the main floors. He gasped for air, only sitting up to point dramatically behind them – a grin on his face.

"Open the door!" Toris yelled, banging on the steel.

"Prussia you jerk!" Alfred joined in, pounding with his fists.

"It seems we are at a 'dead end'." Ivan giggled.

Both men froze, slowly turning to look behind them. Russia smiled, not panting, not out of breath. In fact he looked like he may as well have walked there for all they knew. Swinging his pipe ominously he pointed it at Lithuania.

"I was not aware Lithuania was involved." He whispered as his smile grew cold. "This saddens me. I sincerely hope this is not what it appears to be."

America flinched.

Sure he was scared, hulluva scared!

Which, helluva is totally a hero word, by the way!

But the hero doesn't just stand idly by and let others suffer.

Jumping in front of Toris with his arms out wide he glared at Russia, suppressing a shiver of terror at the gleam coming off of Ivan's pipe.

"Don't worry Liet! I'll save you!"

Suddenly his arms were behind his back, restrained by the Lithuanian behind him. Russia gave a chirp of delight.

"Ah! How very thoughtful of my Toris – always willing to help."

Craning his head back, America's eyes watered. "LIET?"

Ignoring the puppy eyes Lithuania held his grip. "Don't think I don't remember who started this, and to be honest…"

A strange, haunted look came over his face. "I value my life."

"Ag! Not cool!"

Stepping forward, Russia commanded the attention of both nations – each flinching as he approached. "Now, hold him tight! I don't want to hit you on accident!"

Behind them the two could hear the raucous laughter of Gilbert as he watched from the protection of the stairwell.

"Russia, whatever I said, I'm sorry!" America tried pleading. "I'll give you kittens and chocolate and Mc. Donald's and my all of my shooter games - though not the one where I fight the commi- Oh God Wait!"

Later that afternoon, no one had the nerve to question Russia's sudden good mood or America and Lithuania's 'coincidental' disappearance.

Arthur had once tried to stand up and say something but France had guided him back to his seat, shaking his head solemnly.

"Some things," he whispered. "Are better left unsaid."

* * *

Lesson 9 : Black Book

"Thanks a lot, Liet."

"You're welcome."

Alfred pouted. "I was being sarcastic."  
Toris sighed, wrapping Alfred's hand. "I know."

"I mean, seriously?"

They'd been arguing about this since they managed to escape Russia. It had been a close call, after the first two hits – which by the way had hit _both_ of them contrary to Ivan's assurances of trying only to hit Alfred – they had managed a daring escape.

But no one turned on America!

Scratch that! No one let America get beat up by Russia!

Phew.

Alfred glared back at his old friend who was gathering more supplies.

"So what the hell was it about? You trying to be the king of 'oh look how I turn on America 'cause I'm all scared of Russia?'"

Lithuania paused. "Did you just say I turned you on?"

_Damn!_ America yelled in his mind.

"NO! You just went all traitor on me – and traitors 'aint sexy!"

His friend sighed, green eyes tired. "What would _you_ have done?"

"I woulda decked him if you hadn't been holding me back!"

"Exactly!" Toris pointed at him, making sure he had Alfred's attention. "Then what?"

"Uh…" America paused. What would have happened had he actually hit Russia?

That was if he could land a punch – for a big guy Ivan was helluva fast!

Helluva.

Alfred chuckled.

"Well?" Toris prodded.

"Well…" America thought, rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess he would have hit me back twice as hard. That's the norm. Then I would have punched him back…and"

He frowned.

"I guess it would have turned into an all out brawl."

Toris gave a knowing nod. "And would you have been able to walk, let alone escape afterwards?"

"Eh…no. Probably not. But how'd you figure?"

At this his friend smiled. "Because I know you, and I know Russia."

"Oh…"

Closing the first aid kit, Lithuania rose to his feet. "America?"

"Yeah?"

Toris gave him a steady look. "Next time you decide to call Russia a cocksucker could you please leave me out of it? I have enough scars."

"That's what I _said_?"

"Yes."

America laughed. "OMG! I am like, so freakin' cool!"

"Wha-" Toris yelped, watching as Alfred celebrated. The blond turned to him with a bold grin, deep blue eyes flashing.

"Oh come on Liet, how many people do you know of that have called Russia that to his face and lived to tell about it?"

"None."

"Exactly! And that makes me awesome!"

Fishing out the small notepad he kept in his pocket to make it look like he was actually paying attention in those boring meetings, Alfred scribbled something down. "I'm sooo totally adding that to my little black book of languages!"

"You're not going to say it again!" Toris yelled, frustrated. "So don't remember it!"


	4. Broke, Guests, Friends?

Lesson 10: Broke

"_NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

The president sighed, staring hard at the paper in front of him. It wasn't a particularly thick or impressive looking document. Just a simple unimaginative font on nice but unimaginative paper.

"_NONONONONONONONONONO-"_

"Mr. President." One of the men in black spoke, nervously doing what he could to urge the leader of one of the most powerful nations on earth into action. Once again he was greeted with a sigh.

"It's here isn't it? Right here?" With a relieved smile he nodded. "Then let's get to work!"

"NONONONONONNONONON!"

A swift scratching of pen on paper and what had once only been a notion was signed into law.

America tripped full stride onto his face on the carpet – Texas skittering off his nose and racing off on it's own as he clutched his stomach, tears welling up in his eyes.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

The commander and chief looked over at his nation and sighed. "Take an aspirin, Jones."

America gave a weak groan from the floor.

"You big baby."

Alfred glared at the agent who sighed, taking the thermometer out of his mouth.

"While it's true that our nation is undergoing some rather serious internal changes right now I don't see how that translates into you crying like a little girl."

The glaring continued. Now Alfred was just _willing_ the man into a puddle of soon to be vacuumed up and thrown out water.

With a sigh the agent closed his case, brown eyes looking over the bundled country. "I know that look – and you can't vacuum water. Not safe at all man."

"Fine." Alfred growled, content to just willing himself into oblivion. With a grin the agent packed away his things, clicking the medical bag shut and rising to his feet.

"You know, you're the only one I know of who could manage to break their leg by falling on their face. What is this – the second time?"

"Rug was in my way and ice cream is delicious so lay off."

The man shrugged. "Sure thing."

Saying their farewells the agents left – off to attend to other, more appreciative (less bitchy) clients and leaving America behind swaddled in every blanket he had ever owned and crowned with a hot water bottle. Tony merely stared on from a distance, making sure to be out of sight lest Alfred start his crying all over again. A few legislative alterations were nothing to exhaust ones self over. Sinking deeper into his mountain of warm and embraceable fabric Alfred glanced at the phone sitting just outside of his comfortable – do nothing – range.

He'd call Matt if it didn't require actual movement. Or Arthur – although the later would do nothing but nag on how much of a wuss he was and how he should have done this earlier and it's for his own good.

What did he know?

His food sucked, that's what.

Alfred sunk even deeper, nearly sliding off the couch.

While it was true he might not feel so hot right now, he'd also felt much worse in the past. Taking that thought to heart Alfred pulled himself up into a proper sitting position on the couch. Now that he was back to his chipper and lovable self what should he do? It's not like he really had too many options with his left leg in a cast.

Alfred would have glared at his bound leg if it hadn't been dyed red white and blue with a graceful eagle swooping around on it.

Aww…look, it was reaching out to snatch injustice, how adorable~

"Alright!" Alfred shouted to no one in particular. "I'll show them how a hero does it! They'll be totally amazed by my miraculous recovery."

Rising to his feet with an ungainly sway, he prepared himself to go to the kitchen when a surge of nausea assaulted his stomach, forcing him to sit back down.

"Man…" America groaned. "A broke leg and sick as shit….just wonderful."

But at least he had some time off. He could stay home, play video games, eat junk food and not, not have to deal with Russia or his confusing, pervy language for at least a good week or two ( depending on how fast he got better)

The doorbell rang, the national anthem chiming happily from the front entrance.

A visitor!

Visitors mean gifts!

Once again rising to his feet Alfred paused in thought.

_The sicker the patient – the bigger the gifts!_

Hopping quickly to the door he deftly turned the lock and then speed – hopped back to the couch, making sure to bundle himself up tightly just in case it was England or Mattie or someone he really needed to ham it up for.

In the loudest – yet sickliest – voice he could muster Alfred yelled, "Come in…it's unlocked."

Under his covers the nation chuckled. He was so fucking smart – oh yes, the illustrious Mr. Jones! Now just let him bask in the glow of all the free stuff he was about to get!"

"Привет, America!"

Fuuuuuck…

* * *

Lesson 11: Guests

"Alfred!"

There was a scuffling somewhere behind Russia's gigantic door-blocking form and he stepped aside to reveal a flustered Canada who waited with a small gathering of brown grocery bags ready to be carried inside.

"I heard that!" Canada chastised his brother as he hopelessly tried to balance a bag in one arm and Kumajiiro in the other. "Seriously, and you were so nice when we were little."

"Sorry, Mattie. But that-" He pointed at Russia who only smiled and gathered up the remaining bags. "Is kind of totally NOT what I wanted to see this morning when I woke up!"

"Then it is alright for it is no longer morning." Ivan responded, strolling boldly into America's – _America's dammit_! – house with sacks filled with God only knew what.

"Hey hey hey!" Alfred yelled; trying to untangle himself from the mass of fluffiness he'd buried himself in. "Where do you think you're going? Russia - not you Mattie."

"Alfred…" Matthew gave a tired sigh. "Just sit down. I asked Ivan if he wouldn't mind helping me today because I decided that I would do something nice – like cook for my sick brother."

"I'm fine!" Alfred jumped up.

He wobbled. Then flopped back into the couch.

"Uuggh...~~"

Canada rolled his eyes. "Yep. You look like the picture of health to me. Follow me, Ivan. The kitchens over here."

"Of course Matthew."

America's eyes flew open.

Oh _hell_ no…

He, _Russia_, hadn't just called his lovable, adorable, sometimes invisible brother by _name_ had he? When the fuck had that happened?

"When the fuck did that happen?"

Both men turned to look at him like he was sick in the head. For all they knew he probably was…

"What happen?"

"Someone set up us the bomb! What the hell do you think? You and Russia! First names? HELLO?"

"Alfred. We've been on a first name basis for a while."

The American only stared in shock before his eyes watered up. "Y-you? WHY?"

"Oh for heavens – Ignore him Ivan." Matthew growled as he led the way toward the other side of the house, leaving America to his thoughts.

_That…really?_

Alfred's mind ran in circles until he expertly lassoed it and hog-tied it back under control.

More importantly than that whole name thing (when _did_ that happen by the way?)…they were in his kitchen.

Kitchens had drawers, with sharp things in them.

Like knives.

Mattie, Ivan.

Knives!

"MATTIE!"

"What now, Al?" Canada poked his head back around the corner, a twitch starting near his eye.

Alfred tried to struggle to his feet but failed. "You sure about this? I mean, knives!" He flailed his arms.

"Yeah. I kind of need them to cook."

"Nononono! Russia, with knives!" He flailed again; wilder this time to make his point known.

"Just lay down already. I know what I'm doing. Seriously, you're so high strung. Maybe you get that from Arthur?"

America opened his mouth. Then closed it. "That-that's not true! I'm so totally cooler and more epic and laid back than he ever was! See?"

Alfred pointed at his swooping eagle cast. Matthew was less than impressed.

"Well, you're not showing it. You're acting like a baby."

Again Alfred sat with watery eyes until his brother gave him a soft look.

"Sorry. Just try to rest. That's why we're here, eh? As much as I know you love your Mc. Donald's it's really not going to go well with that stomach of yours."

"McDonald's goes well with everything – like freedom and random explosions!" Alfred sulked.

"Lay _down_."

"Yes Mattie…"

Pouting, Alfred could only run the grim facts through his head as he sat there – helpless – on his own couch.

Of all the…why did he invite him? He could have dragged Iggy along. Though he'd just laugh anyway…fine. Why couldn't Mattie have come alone again?"

A crash from the kitchen caught his attention and he thought he heard cursing in a foreign language.

"Hey! Don't be messing up my kitchen Russia!"

"It is fine, Amerika." Was the response.

"Hey, Mattie, make sure he doesn't wreck the place will ya?"

For a moment Alfred waited, listening for his brothers voice (if he didn't focus he'd miss it!) But there was nothing.

"You gotta speak up! I can't hear you!"

"Amerika…" Came another voice from the kitchen. "Please rest."

"I ain't talkin' to ya!" Alfred growled. "YO! Mattie!"

Knives.

"SHIT!"

Alfred jumped from the couch, cursed as his cast thumped heavily on the wood floor – jarring his broken leg - and yelped as he nearly fell onto his face. Catching himself on the low table in front of the couch, Alfred made a noble effort to wobble to his feet.

"You are persistent – surely this is a trait from England, da?"

Alfred glanced up, prepared to meet Russia with a glare but the thought died as soon as he laid eyes on his unwanted guest.

Ivan was standing at the doorway into the kitchen, arms crossed as he looked over America with the sort of exasperated expression one would save for a constantly misbehaving child. But beneath that gaze and the sternly crossed – break a bear in half – arms was an apron covered in red.

"What the hell did you do to my brother you sick bastard!" Alfred screamed, jumping forward.

The eagle cast caught on the edge of the low table, sending Alfred in quick order onto his face. Alfred's head felt like it had just split open, his eyes unable to focus or see anything other than red stains and ominous violet eyes. It seemed like the room turned upside down like a horrible amusement park ride before he rode screaming into the black tunnel of unconsciousness.

Russia stared.

He tried blinking. It didn't work.

Because for whatever reason, America was passed out face-down on the hardwood floor of his own home.

"Amerika?"

There was no response from the man on the floor. After calling two more times Ivan gave up. He stared for a moment. It could be a trap. He wouldn't put it past the American to play such a foolish game – faking unconsciousness to lure him in close before lashing out once he was in range. It was too dangerous to approach him normally.

This needed the 'magical stick'.

So Russia grabbed the pipe that waited helpfully just inside the kitchen, patiently leaning against the wall until it was inevitably needed by its master once again. As the steel moved it scraped ever so slightly against the ceramic tile, making a distinctive rasping noise that caused Alfred's head to shoot up quickly.

"_!"_

Matthew looked up from the laundry. Did his brother just scream like a girl?

* * *

Lesson 12 : Friends?

Russia tried to hold in his laughter but failed; doubling over so far he had to lean on his pipe to stay upright. Alfred – now sitting up with his back to the table felt a blush cross his face.

"W-wha-Hey!"

Standing up straight again Russia looked back over at his host, smiling as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "I'm sorry, Amerika. That was just so unexpected." Ivan explained with a slight hiccup.

"You…are you making fun of me?" Alfred demanded; face flushing an even deeper red. "Well, how would you feel if you came at you with a freaking metal pipe!"

"I suppose I'd be very confused. How can I be in two places at once?" Russia blinked owlishly.

"That's it!" America yelled, rising to his feet and pointing to the door. "Get the hell out!"

"ALFRED F. JONES!"

"But- Mattie!"

His childish whine turning into a yelp of joy, Alfred hobbled his way over to his brother. "Oh my God you're alive-"

Matthew stopped him with a hand to his chest. "Of course I'm alive! What on earth did you think happened to me?"

Alfred glanced over his shoulder at Russia who smiled innocently. Matthew caught the look and gave his brother a withering glare. "Did you…honestly think Ivan would _hurt_ me?"

Under his brothers eyes Alfred felt like he should just curl up into a ball and roll himself away to some dark corner of the world where no-one had heard of America – but that was impossible so he'd have to roll off into the depths of space in the corner of Tony's ship. Maybe if he-

"Alfred are you _listening_?"

"Oh…sorry Mattie…"

The Canadian gave a sigh. "I know you and Ivan have had your moments in the past…but the two of us are friends. So please try to be nice, alright?"

"Friends?"

"Yes."

Alfred looked back over at Ivan, skeptical. Then suddenly he turned to his brother, putting his hand on Matthew's shoulders and fixing him with a serious gaze. "Friends?"

"I just said yes Alfred."

"…Just friends right?"

Matthew gave Alfred a warning glance, violet eyes serious.

"Alright!" The American removed his hands, backing off. "Friends! Got it!"

Inwardly he breathed a sigh of relief.

Good. The national threat level could stay at orange.

Alfred nodded slowly which seemed to please his brother who looked over at none other than Alfred's nemesis and smiled.

"Sorry for all this Ivan. I know you said he could be this bad but who would have thought it!"

"It is alright, Matthew. I am used to Amerika's antics by now. I have dealt with him long enough."

With a satisfied nod Canada walked off again, disappearing around the corner with only a last glance at his brother. For a moment, the two nations stood only a few feet from one another. America glared at Russia.

How was it that out of all the unholy demons from the underworld he managed to have Russia in his house? In his house! But Mattie said play nice, so play nice he would.

"Friends, huh?"

Ivan gave him a broad smile. "Why; I would be very pleased with that." He paused with a blush. "Alfred."

Alfred frowned. "HEY!"


	5. Food, Warriors & Groceries, Alfred

Lesson 13 : Food

With a heavy sigh Canada set his knife on the counter, looking at the various bowls and dishes filled with a wide assortment of meats and vegetables that were ready to be cooked in equally various ways. It was a lot of work, getting everything ready. Cooking it would be the easy part.

"Whatcha doing?" America asked, peeking around the corner.

"Cooking." Matthew replied simply, eliciting a slight smile from Ivan who was chopping onions beside him. Using the back of his forearm Matthew rubbed his eyes.

"Are you crying?" With a scowl Alfred turned to Russia.

"Onions." His brother explained.

"Oh." After a slight pause the distinctive lopsided thud of Alfred's gait could be heard. "So watcha making?"

"Alfred." Matthew looked back at him. "You're such a kid."

"Am not."

"Yes, you are."

Leaning, Alfred tried to peek at the food on the counter. "I don't see burgers."

"We are not making any." Ivan laughed softly.

"Why not? Burgers are freaking awesome!"

"Because," Ivan explained slowly, giving his friend some time to rest from his brothers questioning. "It is not good for anyone, sick or healthy, to eat chemicals for dinner."

The American frowned, looking offended. "And what does that mean?"

"It means that the normal filth you throw into your belly will not be served tonight."

Canada snorted with laughter, trying to hide it as quickly as possible.

"You will have something better to eat today, da?" Russia finished with a proud look.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Alfred protested. "What I eat is perfectly fine! Look, the Mc. Donald's balances out with the low-fat cereal I eat for breakfast so it's all even!"

Russia gave a low disapproving grunt. "This 'cereal' of yours is not breakfast food."

For a minute Alfred could only stare, watching Ivan from behind as if frozen in shock. In what demented part of the world was Cheerios _not_ considered part of a healthy breakfast?

"What?"

"Did you need something, Alfred?"

"Don't call me that." Alfred snipped. "And what do you mean cereals not a breakfast food! They're like, the king of breakfast foods! Hey, the guy who designed them made them specifically to help out true Americans like me who are trying to keep in top hero shape!"

Matthew smirked at his brother. Alfred's gut might have something to say about that…

"He also said eating meat was unnatural and thought all people should be vegetarians." Canada helpfully pointed out.

"What? Like vegetables?" Alfred groaned.

"Yes. Exactly like the kind we're eating tonight." Matthew informed him.

"No." Alfred pouted.

Russia paused in his slicing, and after a quick glance at Matthew who was staring at Alfred turned to look over his shoulder at the cross armed nation. Alfred shook his head rapidly. "Nuh uh. I'm not eating rabbit food."

"Then it's settled." Russia chirped, returning to his slicing.

"Grea-hey! Wait, right there you food commie!"

The knife in Russia's hand clinked ominously on the cutting board. "Yes, AMERIKA?"

Alfred paused. He could hear something, just barely above the sound of food chopping. It sounded like kol-

"Um…so you'll call me when it's done?"

"Da. Thank you for being so considerate – I know it is hard considering your repulsive nature so I truly do appreciate the effort."

_Did he,_ America wondered, _just dis me in my own home?_

That was fine; if he was going to be an ass then America had no choice but to seriously _bring it!_

"Oh, yeah? Well-"

Russia looked over to face him, smiling. But the smile wasn't what sent shivers up Alfred's spine.

It was the way Ivan was chopping up a poor defenseless carrot – the knife making a distinct cracking sound with each stroke akin to the noise a bone makes when breaking. And in Russia's eyes was a look that most clearly said; and I quote:

_One word…and I will __**end**__ you._

"I'll be watching TV if you need some like, okay bye!"

* * *

Lesson 14: Warriors and Groceries

Here he was, the greatest nation on earth.

He had a broke leg, a stomachache and had just been scared back to his super-comfy couch by a crazy Russian with a knife. With a heavy sigh Alfred grabbed the remote.

He was done. What the hell, he might as well relax to whatever extent was possible. Neither he nor Mattie had been ruthlessly slaughtered and buried under the house yet so the invasion of his home was going better than expected.

"Soccer, news, soccer, soaps, celebrity dirt, Disney…nothing…"

After about ten minutes of flipping through all three hundred channels at lightning speed and deciding there was nothing worth watching Alfred decided to check the main grid for anything that was remotely not mind-numbing reality t.v.

"Couch wars? What the hell is – oh!" His eyes darted back to an interesting title, something about warriors or something. "Deadliest Warrior?"

Now curious, Alfred sat up to read the program description. It said it was a re-run, the two warriors being pitted against one another were the Green Berets ( Alfred gave a momentary 'hell yeah!') and –

He clicked quickly to the channel, just to see the overly dramatic opening narration ( complete with awesome graphics and rampant destruction) describing each of the special operatives forces that would be in epic battle on that episode.

"HECK YEAH! Kick some commie ass!"

"What was that, Amerika?"

Alfred jumped, his cast knocking into the table and sending a spike of pain through his already angry-at-him leg.

"Sweet mother of – Russia! Why the fuck are you behind me? Wait, how long have you even been there?"

Instead of answering, Ivan's eyes traced over the screen as it continued to outline the days competitors – a slow grin beginning to trace across his face with each word.

"My, my. Such interesting things your children think of, Amerika! To pit my superior спецназ against your own forces – how ingenious!"

"What did you just say? My boys will totally hand your ass to you 'cause they're freaking heroes, like me!"

"Now Amerika, it is not nice to speak brazen lies."

"Oh, it's on now! Just you wait!"

"GUYS!" Matthew yelled from the kitchen door.

"Yo! Mattie! Tell your 'friend' here that my Green Berets will totally kick his 'whatever the fuck their name is' ass!" Alfred asked with a glare in Ivan's direction.

Canada sighed, rubbing his forehead. He should have followed England's advice and just left his brother alone. Sometimes he could kick himself for his polite ways…

"Alfred, what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes is that I forgot some stuff at the store. I need to go get it."

America froze, glancing nervously at Russia who still had that creepy as heck grin on his face from when he'd first seen the shows title. Knowing him he'd take the opportunity to test which of them was stronger in a much quicker ( and painful ) way without Matthew around to save his beloved brother!

"Hey! I'll go with you!"

Matthew blinked. "Really?" Looking over at Ivan he gave a sheepish smile. "Sorry about all this, is that okay with you?"

"Of course, I will continue cooking until you return."

HOLD IT!

Alfred skid to a halt.

Russia would be alone with their food…

What if he tried to poison them! Or worse yet, use some diabolical truth serum to get America to reveal all his national secrets so he could invade and rename him Russica or Amerussia or some other demented word!

All of Alfred's children would be forced to learn Russian!

No…he wouldn't subject his kids to that!

"NO!" Alfred cried out, startling both his guests who responded by staring blankly at him. Recovering, the blond cleared his throat. "I mean…I can get it for you. It's the least I can do."

"You're in a cast, Alfred."

"I can manage!"

"You can't drive like that." Matthew clarified. Stating the obvious usually didn't work with Alfred but it was worth a shot.

"Well…" Alfred looked over at Ivan who had returned to watching the show.

They were bringing out the big guns now! Holy – look at the size of that explosion!

"Alfred?"

"Why not send Russia?" He suggested quickly, drawing Ivan's attention back to him.

Russia smiled smugly. "Are you afraid your toy soldiers will lose, Amerika? I do not blame you for not wanting me to see such an embarrassing thing."

"Shut up! My Green Beret's are the most awesome thing on earth next to hamburgers and the fourth of July! I'm only suggesting it 'cause Mattie won't let me go!"

"Then let _me_ go!" Matthew growled. "Why are you stopping me?" Shaking his head he looked over at Ivan. "Do you know the way to the store?"

Ivan frowned. "I do not think I remember…"

"Then I guess that settles it…" Matthew shrugged.

NO! America froze, silently screaming for his brother not to leave him.

"You two will have to go get the rest of the stuff. I hope you don't mind…"

Say what?

"Not at all, Matthew." Russia assured him, giving a smile as he reached out and grabbed Alfred by the arm and began dragging him to the door. "It is the least I can do after all. I will be back soon, da?"

"What the – what about me?" Alfred yelped, noticing how Russia had only said he would be back.

Russia smirked, increasing America's fears.

He wouldn't murder him in the parking lot would he?

"Mattie!" Alfred called as Ivan bodily forced him out the door. "Save my show!"

"Will do." Matthew waved, an unusually happy smile on his face.

* * *

Lesson 15: Alfred

Russia had been convinced the car ride would be far more arduous than it proved to be. Despite his initial misgivings it turned out that America could be quite competent when it came to directions – at least as they pertained to his own home town.

It seemed like in no time at all they were pulling into the parking lot of the store. With a glance at his passenger Ivan tried a reassuring smile that oddly enough only made Alfred tense up even more. He looked like he might run away. Just to make sure Ivan grabbed his arm tightly. Who knew what Matthew might think if he let Alfred escape before supper was served?

"Let go! What are you doing you psycho! I refuse to be murdered and buried in the parking lot of Wal-Mart!"

Ivan chuckled at his companion's foolishness. "Relax, Alfred. This parking lot is paved, making it far too difficult to dig through."

The American seemed to pale just a bit before making for the door handle-

Which Russia locked quickly as he stepped from the car, causing Alfred to pound on the windows – screaming something about kidnapping and calling police.

Really, he was too high strung. It was a wonder he hadn't unraveled into a nervous wreck by now. Then again, England seemed to manage…

Walking around to Alfred's side of the car he used the key to unlock it, spilling his passenger onto the pavement.

"OW!"

"Please hurry, Alfred. I would like to get back to finish cooking as soon as possible. It would be rude to leave it all to Matthew, da?"

"WHa-…groceries?"

Ivan gave a soft inward groan. "That is why we are here, correct?"

"Oh…so we're…really just getting food?"

Extending his hand to Alfred, he helped the other nation to his feet. Really, he was the most helpless of countries sometimes. "Your air headedness knows no bounds, da? And I thought that Latvia's forgetfulness could not be surpassed yet you have proved me wrong. Should I have written-"

"Shut up." Alfred snapped. Then he paused as he seemed to remember something. "Did you call me Alfred earlier?"

"Da."

"Well stop it." He growled. "I don't want you calling me that."

With a smile Ivan began walking toward the store. "Sorry, Alfred. However; I have grown fond of using your name – despite the fact that I hold little fondness for you yourself. Therefore I will continue to call you Alfred…Alfred."

"Stop it."

"Why?"

America blew a strand of hair from his face angrily, awkwardly hopping after the arctic nation with irritation in his blue eyes. "Like I said earlier. I don't want you getting all comfortable with me, or Mattie, or Iggy. I'm just learning your language because my boss said to."

"I understand."

"Good."

"Although…" Ivan turned suddenly, his smiling face only a short distance from Alfred who wobbled awkwardly to avoid falling over.

Ivan steadied him by grabbing his arm, which Alfred glared at before shifting the look to the other nations face.

"Although," Ivan repeated, violet eyes shining. "Part of this initiative is to improve relations between our two countries, da?"

"What of it?"

With a slight giggle Russia tightened his grip. "It is our government's intent to reset the relationship between America and Russia – to move toward friendship."

America paused, a frown forming as he thought. Then his eyes slowly widened.

Oh God.

OH GOD!

"They what?" He screeched. "No way! Not happening – seriously? They want us to be like BFF's?"

Russia nodded, and then seemed to notice something concerning. "Alfred. Where are your crutches?"

Alfred shrugged.

"Are you intending to hop the entire way?" He asked.

Another shrug. "Sure…it's not like I'm tired or- HEY HEY HEY! DANG IT! NOOO!"

Alfred flailed, nearly loosing Texas as he was hoisted onto Russia's shoulder. Pounding at the other mans back he yelled every curse he could think of. (well, almost every...)

With a loud happy laugh Ivan called back. "Dear Alfred, this is what friends are for da?"

"Damn it! I ain't your friend! Put me down!"

"If you say please."

"For the love of God - PLEASE!"

"In Russian, Alfred."

"Fuck!"

* * *

**Authors Note:**

Yeah...I had to throw that episode of Deadliest Warrior in, I saw it while I was cooking the other day and figured it'd be amusing to add. ^.^

спецназ - spetsnaz ( unless the internet's lying to me again...)

While trying to find a more accurate description of the word, выеблю, I Googled it to see what better translation I could find. The first hit on the search for that word came back with my fic.

I don't know if that's a FAIL or an EPIC WIN but either way I personally find it funny as shit. XD

*headdesk*

Luckily, the second hit at the top of the list should explain it.

(side note, I finally got my pic uploaded to DeviantArt .!

Behold the Russia! Just check my FF Profile.


	6. Whee, Knock Knock, Alaska

Lesson 16 : Wheee~

"Put me down!"

"Say 'please'."

"YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW!"

Russia chuckled with amusement to himself. "So you can learn to curse in your free time but not how to interact cordially? I suppose I could only have expected as much from you, _Alfred_."

"AAAGGGGRRRR!"

Alfred would have kicked Ivan right in his gut if he thought it would help (and he wouldn't get beaten to a pulp – that was very important too!). As it was, the great hero had to resign himself to being carried into Wal-Mart like a sack of potatoes – entering the store butt first slung over Russia's – _freaking Russia's_ – shoulder. In his own capital no less! Someone upstairs must really hate him or something…

At least he didn't have to look at anyone; he could just look away and avoid eye contact and later claim this disgrace never happened - oh great…the greeter lady was staring at them as they passed.

The older woman had a scandalized look on her wrinkled face and she shook her head sharply as if insulted by the sight of the two young men.

"Oh come on…" He muttered under his breath. "It's not like it's the weirdest thing you've seen in this place…"

After all, he'd seen Wal-Mart at it's finest…

Suddenly Russia stopped and with an amazing lack of effort lifted America from his shoulder and set him down with a smile. "That was fun, da?"

"No. It wasn't fucking fun." Storm-hobbling off America came to a stop a few feet away, turning to look back with a sheepishly. "What are we here for again?"

"Groceries. Such a short attention span, Alfred."

"I _know_ groceries." He snorted, a little irritated at the whole 'hey look how helpless America is' bit. "What kind do we need? I want to get this little trip over with as soon as possible."

With a reach into his pocket Ivan produced a neatly folded piece of paper that he unfolded to read. "We will need beef stock. As well as some more cabbage."

"Ewww…cabbage?"

"It is this way, da?"

Heading toward the stacked bins of fresh produce Ivan left Alfred to hop along as best he could. After a moment though Ivan noticed and made a surprised noise. "I am sorry, Alfred. I forgot your crutches have been left behind. Wait here."

With that he walked away, leaving Alfred by the tomatoes that the nation was desperately fighting the urge to throw at Ivan. He looked up at the security camera.

Maybe if he was lucky, he could get his CIA buddies to confiscate the film of that.

It would be the best Christmas ever…

Alfred seriously debated the thought until he realized that his little movie would most likely end with him getting his remaining three limbs broken by Russia. Damn…dreams die hard.

"Wonder what he's going to get?" Alfred muttered, poking at an avocado. "I hope it's one of those little motorized carts…that'd be pretty sweet."

No such luck.

Ivan walked up with a triumphant smile, pushing a regular old shopping cart and despite his calm and indifferent expression Alfred eyed the cart seriously.

_I wonder…if I could get away with riding in the basket…always wanted to do that_.

"Hey…Russia-"

"Would you like to ride in the basket Alfred?" Ivan asked cheerily, violet eyes smiling.

Shit…now that he's asked…

"N-no."

Russia shrugged and continued on.

Alfred looked forlornly at the cart. It looked like so much fun…

Pouting, Alfred leaned against the shopping cart and pushed it along with his good foot. He glared at the cabbage sitting happily in his basket where he should totally be.

Stupid freaking vegetable…what he hell were they planning on feeding him anyway?

Something gross…that's what.

"So are we done yet?" He whined.

"Нет." Ivan responded, grabbing the front of the cart to guide it. Alfred lifted his other foot off of the ground, pleasantly surprised when not only did the cart not tip backward but continued to move forward with him on the back and Russia pulling from the front.

"Wheeeee…."

Russia stopped, and then looked back at him curiously. America feigned ignorance and eventually the other nation continued on.

"Wheeeee…."

Again the cart stopped and Ivan was now giving America a seriously appraising look, as if not quite sure if the noise was coming from Alfred or some other source. Slowly…he turned around again and began walking.

"Wheee-"

Ivan jammed the cart, stopping so suddenly the handle went into Alfred's gut. His cast lightly knocked into the frame and once again the pain raced through his leg.

"OW! Son –of –a " Alfred stopped just short, catching sight of a mother ushering her little girl away quickly before anything 'undesirable' could be said. "Mrrr…"

With a pleased grin Ivan turned back around and began pulling the cart again.

After a moment of silence Alfred grinned.

_Wheeeee… Хуесос. _

* * *

Lesson 17: Knock Knock

Content to ride his cart around the store, Alfred managed to stay quiet while Ivan picked up the few ingredients that had been forgotten the first time around. Turning a corner, Alfred looked up to see they were passing the liquor isle. He waited for the cart to turn – only to have them go right past it.

"Eh?"

Russia looked back. "Something wrong, Alfred?"

"Quit calling me that. And no Vodka?"

With a sort of exasperated look Ivan continued. "I would like to finish shopping, Alfred. I feel bad about leaving poor Matthew to cook alone. I did agree to help him after all."

"We are helping." Alfred pointed out. "So what about the Vodka?"

"Are you surprised because I show no intention of purchasing any?"

"Well…kinda. Yeah."

With a chuckle Ivan continued scanning his list for any remaining items. They still needed sour cream…

"I do not need any, Alfred." Ivan assured his unwilling companion. "Contrary to your nations beliefs, I do not just sit around drinking Vodka all day. Should I assume that your people do nothing but drink soft drinks and gorge yourself on greasy foodstuffs continuously?"

"Quit dissing my food…" Alfred growled from the back of the cart.

"My point is, Alfred." Ivan continued. "That you should not be so quick to judge."

"Wait a minute! Didn't you once say that Vodka was your fuel?"

"Da."

"So...?"

"I'm not buying any today. I assure you that I'm perfectly capable of acting responsibly when it comes to my drink of choice."

Figuring that Russia's argument was at least somewhat valid Alfred let the subject drop. As they wheeled their way to checkout he cast a longing glance at the Coca-cola's so nicely stacked in their mini-fridge at the end of the checkout lane.

Ivan eyed him curiously and he looked away.

The remainder of the trip uneventful ( with the exception of another glare from greeter-lady) the pair made their way back to America's house with their bag of left-behind supplies.

Once inside Alfred flopped onto his couch.

He was hungry.

"So…how much longer?" He called to the kitchen.

"A while yet." Matthew called back. Ivan made his way toward the sound of Canada's voice carrying the lone grocery bag. Thanking his friend Matthew turned to him with a smile. "Did you two have fun?"

"Oh yes. Alfred can be very amusing." Russia laughed.

"America!" Alfred yelled from the living room.

Matthew chuckled softly, checking a pot on the stove. "That's Alfred, eh?"

**Knock. Knock.**

Alfred peeked his head over the couch.

He was comfortable now…he really didn't want to move.

With a glance at he kitchen he could see Russia and Mattie moving around.

Why couldn't Russia answer the door?

Jumping off the couch, Alfred hobbled toward the entryway just as Russia's form began to head in the same direction.

"Got it!" He called back, his voice sounding just a hint panicked. With nod Russia disappeared into the kitchen once more. Breathing a sigh of relief America unlatched the door.

Heaven forbid anyone should find out Russia had invaded his home. Who knew what the other nations would say. They'd start rumors of them being…_close_. Alfred shuddered.

Opening the door he was greeted by a familiar face…but… "Who?" Alfred asked.

The other man gave him what could only be described as the most frustrated glare on earth. Pushing past Alfred carrying a lone shopping bag the dark haired man moved into the living room.

"Alaska." The guest supplied the answer. As the young man turned to him Alfred stared, the wheels in his head turning but not going anywhere.

"Alaska. Alaska. That thing to the north?" Alaska clarified.

More blankness.

With a groan and a flash of irritation in his violet-blue eyes Alaska set the bag down.

Why did he even bother? Alfred never remembered who the heck he was anyway…

* * *

Lesson 18: Alaska

Alfred watched his state glaring and pouting like he was a territory again. Nearly America's height, the far north seemed unlike him in every other way. Dark hair, strangely pale skin and those eerie blue-violet eyes.

Eyes that were now focused on him intensely.

"Are you even paying attention?"

"Who?"

"AAAAAARRRGGGG!" Alaska groaned loudly in a way reminiscent of his guardian nation. "What the heck? You can't be _that_ dense!"

America wasn't. He just liked annoying Alaska. Pointing at him with a scowl similar to one Iggy frequently wore when Alfred got on his nerves, the man made sure he had Alfred's undivided attention.

"Listen up, old man 'cause I'm only going to say it one more time! My names-"

"Аляска!"

Strong arms surrounded him, pulling the state into what looked to America to be an uncomfortably tight hug. Russia was grinning from ear to ear, thoroughly pleased at having caught his former charge before Alaska could see him and run away again.

Alfred couldn't stop the cocky smirk that tugged at his lips at the quickness with which Alaska's body went rigid – going instantly from stern lecture mode straight into _omfg - off!_!

Russia freaking Alfred out - not cool.

Russia freaking _other_ people out – totally hilarious!

"Dear Аляска, how have you been? It has been a long time since I saw you! You've grown so much!"

In a futile effort Alaska tried to struggle, failed to get away, and resorted to glaring back at his current captor.

"Get off, Russia! And don't call me that!"

"That's right!" Russia beamed, still hugging Alaska tightly and excitedly shaking him back and forth the way a child might cling to their favorite doll. "That is far too distant for us! My apologies, Николай."

Nikolai flushed with anger. "NOT THAT EITHER!"

"So bold! Коля!"

With a wheezing, defeated groan Alaska slumped – completely unwilling to fight anymore seeing as every time he opened his mouth Russia used it as an excuse to get ever more familiar. He knew well enough by now that if he kept it up he'd be in the girl names...

"Whatever…don't even care anymore." Nikolai grumbled, causing Russia to laugh.

"So darling!"

Deciding he had allowed his state be tortured by the terror known as Ivan for long enough, Alfred limped forward using the couch for balance and sought the pairs attention.

"Alright, you should probably – "

Suddenly relaxing his grip Russia quickly spun Nikolai around to face him and deftly took his hand, shaking it enthusiastically. "I'm so glad you decided to drop by!"

"HEY!" Alfred pouted from the couch. "Nicki's here to see _me_!"

Ivan ignored him. "We are just about ready to serve dinner!" _From his couch Alfred felt his mouth water._ "You'll stay of course."

"I...I…Uh…don't really want to interrupt…" Alaska stammered, caught more than a little off guard.

"It is perfectly all right! You'll stay then." Russia smiled, in his own mind ending the discussion as Alaska took a second to turn to America – a sort of pleading look in his eyes.

_Help me damn it!_ Nikolai cursed, hoping his expression would get through to America.

Hobbling forward again Alfred gave a laugh. "Ya know, that's all well and good but I think that Alaska might have some business, right?"

Thank God that Alfred F. Jones wasn't as dense as he looked…Alaska sighed.

Russia paused, slowly looking back at America who was doing his best to stand firm – a happy smile plastered on his face.

_If nothing else…_America reasoned. _At least one of us will survive…_

"It is important to spend time with family, da? So staying for dinner is his priority right now."

Pulling Alaska back into another tight hug Ivan smiled, a gentle look coming into his violet eyes that was a little startling to America. He'd never seen him so calm. "Besides." Ivan cooed. "I have not seen my Коля in such a long time. My house is so empty now, it's a bit lonely. So this is good."

Alaska tried to wiggle away and once again met with no such luck.

_What the hell? Are his arms made of friggin' steel?_ He wondered.

Looking up into Ivan's face he tried a scowl.

Subtetly wasn't working! Time to tell it like it is…

"Stop calling me that! I'm not yours anymore! You so- mmmph!"

Alfred's jaw dropped as Ivan buried Alaska's face in his chest.

"Yes…family is good."

"I don't think he can breathe!"

With an almost impossibly innocent look Ivan released his grip on Nikolai's head and Alaska gasped for air.

"FAMILY?" He yelped when he could finally breathe again. "Look, I don't know what notions have gotten into that frozen brain of yours old man – "

"But Коля." Ivan smiled, his eyes growing slightly dark, causing Nikolai to freeze with apprehension as he realized Russia's grip around his chest was getting tighter.

"You are my dear colony – made from a part of myself."

Suddenly Alaska couldn't breath.

_Too tight! Shit! Too tight!_

"Uh hey! Yo Russia! Over here! Seriously; let go man!" Alfred tried and for once in his life – failed to cause a distraction.

The arctic nation only continued to smile a strange, sad smile.

"Is that not the truth, Николай Иванович?"

For a moment Alaska looked up, mouth open as if about to reply.

Then his head thudded into Russia's shoulder.

Ivan stared curiously. Then relaxed his bear-hug, allowing an unconscious Alaska to rest lightly in his arms. Over his shoulder to called to the kitchen;

"Matthew! Can you bring some water?"

There was a confused sound.

With a smile, Ivan cradled his former colony. "It seems Коля has been overcome by excitement!"

"THAT"S NOT IT AT ALL!" Alfred screamed.

* * *

**Author Note:**

Аляска : Alaska – derived from the native word Alyeska.

Николай: Nikolai – Alaska's human first name.

Коля: Kolya – a pet form of the above.

Николай Иванович: Unless I royally screwed this one up it says Nikolai Ivanovich – His first name and Patronymic. (sort of like reminding Alaska that yes, Ivan is his father – in terms of him being the origin of colonization in Alaska)

OC Profile : Alaska

Full name: Nikolai Ivanovich / Kinguyakkii Jones ( Braginski )

( note: Kinguyakkii refers to the Northern Lights if my research is not mistaken. It is also a popular dog name up north – and as the sled dogs are a major part of the culture,( it's the state sport ) not to mention an important source of transportation it kind of suited him. Nicki also uses it to distance himself from Russia and solidify his identity as part of the United States – tho' it doesn't always work…"

Appearance: Um…about as tall as Alfred. Blackish hair, blue outside – violet inside eyes, pale skin. He'd be comparable to a 22 year old human as far as age goes. ( Due to people actually living in Alaska before he became...Alaska. -.-? no freaking clue actually it just sounded good.)


	7. Nation State, Getting things Straight

Lesson 19: Nation State

Russia sighed.

"You look a little lost, eh?" Canada spoke up at last, looking over at Russia who had seemed to be locked away in his own mind. Giving an apologetic smile the man shook his head.

"I suppose…"

Without finishing the thought Ivan went back to putting the final touches on their meal. Taking the hint Matthew helped as best he could, every once and a while letting his violet eyes glance over toward his friend.

_I guess he's a little embarrassed, eh?_

With a quick smile that he hid by turning away, Canada shook his head. He'd never really seen a sheepish Russia before! At least Matthew was sure that Nikolas wouldn't be upset.

He was more worried about his hardheaded brother…

When Alaska came to he found himself lying on the living-room couch. There was this annoying clicking sound that seemed to pervade everything and he wondered if it was a side effect of Russia's 'hug'.

**Click click click cli**_-_

Nikolas snatched the remote. "Dude. Seriously that's freaking annoying."

"Oh. You're up." Alfred noticed; his voice unusually quiet before he screwed up his face.

"Dude?" He scoffed. "Since when do you call me dude? Call me dad or pop or –"

"Папа?"

Nikolai moved just in time to avoid an American flag striped pillow to the face. Sitting up he was about to point out Alfred's particular likeness to Arthur at that point (the icing on the cake) when the second strike connected.

"Hey! Ow! Okay, Папа – don't get excited! Ow!"

"What the hell?" Alfred yelled - his voice taking on the whining attributes of a child throwing a tantrum. "Whose side are you on you turncoat?"

Nikolai laughed, violet-blue eyes gleaming. In his rulebook turn-about was totally fair play.

America glowered.

_Fine._ Alfred thought. _If that's the way he wanted it then as the completely freaking best nation in all of existence he would show the….well…not exactly little…a thing or two!_

Within moments the great pillow war of Alfred's couch began, each side taking serious blows while attempting to annex the others cushions.

And just when Alaska was down, barely able to fight against the power of America's might (at least in Alfred's own mind as Alaska was really paralyzed by rampant laughter.) -

"Amerika?"

Alfred paused, pillow above his head and posed epic-ly in mid-strike. Lying on his back on the couch Alaska was frozen in place and both country and state looked over at the arctic nation who was giving them a very puzzled – and vaguely threatening - look.

"UH…"

_Think Jones!_ Alfred's mind screamed.

"Tag?"

Russia's eyes widened. "Oh! It is been a while since I have engaged in such an exciting game! Not since Lithuania, Estonia and Latvia left my house. They were so very good at hiding!"

Both Alfred and Alaska turned a little pale, feeling a wave of sympathy for the Baltic trio. Russia happily continued; "However; when it came to finding me they always seemed to take such a long time. I wonder why that was…"

For a moment Ivan actually appeared to think about it, his face bearing an expression of honest bewilderment before he shrugged it off with a smile. "Things went so much better with me as 'it' in any case! Best not to ruin a good thing, Да?"

Wandering back toward the kitchen the two men on the couch just barely heard Russia whisper, "I wonder if my dear Baltic's would mind a game?"

_God save Toris, Ravis and Eduard._ Alfred and Nikolai thought in unison.

Settling back onto the couch in Ivan's absence the two called a cease-fire until after the Russian went home. Reaching for a glass of water, Alaska took a deep drink while Alfred watched him.

"You okay?" Alfred asked slowly.

"Hm?" Nikolai wondered, eyes wide. "Why wouldn't I be? It's just a pillow-fight."

"Not that…the thing with Russia."

With a heavy sigh Alaska leaned back, burying his hands – and subsequently the remote Alfred had been eyeing – in the center pocket of his fur-lined hoodie.

America gave an equally frustrated scoff. "I can't believe that _wasn't_ on purpose."

"You honestly think Russia would hurt me on purpose?" Alaska looked at him, a neutral expression on his face. He looked more curious than anything and it made Alfred remember something from just a while ago.

"It seems like only yesterday Matthew said something like that…"

"Oh? Why was that?" Alaska asked.

"While he was cooking or something…I thought…'dunno."

Alaska had an unbelieving look on his face. "Wait Alfred. Would that have happened to be_ today_ instead by any chance?"

For a moment Alfred thought. Had it been – yes.

Blushing, he held out his hand. "Just give me the remote."

"Oh no, you're not off that easy." Nikolai teased. "So why are mom and dad fighting?"

Alfred scrunched his face.

Mom…Dad…

"EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! ALASKA! THE FUCK?"

The state nearly fell off the couch with laughter, holding his side as he curled up – body shaking with each gasping guffaw.

"OH GOD! YOUR FACE!" Nikolai whooped.

"I'LL SHOW YOU 'YOUR FACE' YA LITTLE SHIT!"

And so easily was the cease-fire broken.

Once again the two disappeared into a flurry of soaring pillows, some just barely missing valuable articles as they made their short-lived flights.

"Коля?"

The battle once again came to an instant standstill – akin to a very dangerous game of Simon says - with both sides looking towards the sound of impending dooms voice.

Russia stood just a foot or two away, a near unreadable look on his face – as if he was seriously trying to understand the nuances of the situation and wasn't sure he liked what he thought he was seeing.

Then the seriousness passed and the tension faded away. "You two are so strange! It is time for dinner."

Dinner! Food!

If there was one thing Alfred and Nikolai could both agree on it was the wonderfulness that was a full stomach. Leaving them at the couch, Ivan made his way back to the couch as the other two followed – one a bit slower than the other.

Alfred gave a triumphant laugh that caused Nikolai to eye him curiously.

"Dinners great!" He elbowed Alaska, grinning cheekily. "That means as soon as we're done eating Russia goes home and I get to have what little I left of my day totally creepy bastard free!"

Silence.

Then Alaska cocked his head to the side, widened his eyes and gave a strange little laugh that reminded Alfred of one of those possessed kids from a horror movie he'd borrowed from Japan. Seriously, it was scaring the shit out of him!

In a low voice Nikolai whispered. "So naïve, poor Alfred…"

"NICKI! YOU'RE SCARING ME!"

"**KolKolKol**."

Alfred jumped at the Russians suddenly deep and terrifying voice, screamed (much to his annoyance like a girl again) and fell back into Nikolai who was fortunately close enough to catch him. Ivan chuckled, mirth in his violet eyes.

"Now that game was more fun than tag, Да?"

"Game?"

" Да. The game you and Коля were just playing."

With Nikki snickering behind him and Ivan thinking that scaring the living bejeezus out someone was a good wholesome way to pass time he was seriously beginning to doubt he'd make it to desert.

Which was a shame because Mattie's sweets were to die for.

* * *

Lesson 20: Getting Things Straight.

As the unusual gathering made its way down the hall and into the larger dining area that Alfred hadn't used in who knows how long, Ivan tried to stop the young nation - first by softly calling him, then by doing his best to discreetly pull him aside.

"HEY! AH!"

Ivan gave a low, displeased sound. So much for quietly grabbing Alfred… "Alfred."

"Don't call me that." He responded breezily, eyes focused ahead. "And what?"

For a moment Ivan paused, waiting until Nikolas and Matthew had moved far out of hearing range down the long hallway. They were so busy talking (and so used to America's raucousness) that neither had bothered to notice the two nations being left behind. Kumajiirou seemed the only one to realize that Russia and America were lagging but after only a single questioning sniff he padded off after his caretaker.

Once Ivan was sure they were gone he turned to America, trying his very best to be non threatening to his host. America flinched, trying to catch sight of where Russia's pipe might be at the moment.

He couldn't see it! Shit!

Alfred hobbled a step back which only caused Ivan to take a step forward, closing the distance again.

CRAP! Alfred's mind yelled.

It's okay Jones, You're a nation. An AWESOME nation. So no matter what this friggin bear dishes out you can take!

For a moment his mind screamed back at him that he was 'bloody insane' in a curiously British voice. Iggy's voice always seemed to scream at him when it thought he was doing something dangerous.

As usual Alfred ignored it. He was a big boy now, dammit!

But with Ivan moving far beyond the "okay, you're a little close." and well into the "Seriously, back the hell off." space, Alfred soon found his back to the wall – literally.

"Is it really necessary for you to get this close?" America wondered, a hint of irritation leaking into his voice. For crying out loud they were almost _touching_!

Leaning down slightly, Ivan looked Alfred in the eye. "I have something very important to ask, Alfred."

"Don't call me Alfred, and I could kind of tell from the way you're invading my bubble."

Ivan frowned. "Bubble?"

"You know, that invisible line around yourself that people aren't supposed to cross? That whole personal space thing? Ever heard of it?"

With a humoring nod Ivan felt a flutter of amusement. America's notions sometimes…

To Alfred this was like a cheap novel come to life – the bad guy using a sneakily suspicious trick to get the hero (him, duh.) alone and helpless. Who knew what the hell Ivan was planning? The American took in the sight of the nation he was suddenly very, very alone with. Was it just his imagination or did Russia look nervous? The man seemed to shift nervously back and forth – glancing up the hall as Mattie and Nikki left them behind.

For a moment a horrible, horrible thought occurred to Alfred.

"R…Russia…"

The other nation nodded, face deadly serious. "Please, Alfred. I have a very important question to ask you."

CRAAAAAAAAP!

Once again, Alfred backed up. And whacked his head into a wall sconce just behind him.

"Ow!" He muttered sharply before looking up at Ivan who had taken just one more tiny step closer and was leaning in to say something. "Wait! You're not…going to ask about that whole 'become one with Russia' thing are you?"

Looking at the still, quiet look on Ivan's face Alfred could only conclude he'd guessed right.

_AAAAAAAAAHHHH! _

Alfred's color coded mental alarm went ballistic, flashing red and screeching in an annoying little whine that sounded a lot like his own voice. He knew it. He FREAKING KNEW IT! It was all a ploy - a slow, achingly complicated plot for Russia to weasel his way into America's home and blindside the hero! Oh no! Was Russia preparing to steal Alfred away at this very moment before his only two guardians could realize they were gone?

Alfred had something to say about such a devious plan! First off, the hell he'd be one with Russia! No one could make him!

He hoped…

But the American sure as hell knew above all else that if Russia tried to steal away _anything_ of Alfred's that the half-frozen menace would get a star-spangled black eye and a kick in the shins.

But only in the shins 'cause man-rules gotta be obeyed no matter what, especially by the hero! (That and Alfred honestly doubted he could actually kick any higher at that moment.)

So with his back to the wall and Ivan damn near breathing down his throat Alfred waited for the inevitable scuffle like the strong, brave, _totally not crying for Iggy damn it_ – nation he was!

Very slightly at first, before growing wider, a rose blush spread across Russia's face and he leaned back for a second, giving America much needed breathing room. If Alfred didn't know any better he'd swear Russia was laughing at him again.

"What?"

The near hysterical giggling continued, Ivan now turning away in an effort to hide the outburst.

"WHAAAAT?" America whined. _What the hell?_ Alfred wondered as he watched Ivan first giggle madly, then suddenly come down with the hiccups from laughing too much.

At long last, Ivan stood tall again – his eyes nearly watering from laughter. "Dear, Alfred. The mere fact that you would consider such a thing brings joy to my heart."

"WHOAWHOAWHOA! I didn't fucking mean it like that!"

"It is alright if you are shy about this-"

"Don't say shit like that!" Alfred nearly screamed before realizing he had other guests wandering his home. But man, something about the way those words coming from that loon's mouth – sounding like they were-_Alfred shuddered_- close.

Lowering his voice to fairly reasonable levels, Alfred gave a pout and continued. "Listen, I have no freaking intention of joining you in your plans for global conquest! I'm just learning your language okay?"  
Matching his tone, Ivan nodded patiently – violet eyes appraising Alfred as if he were seeing something completely different from what he'd been looking at a short while ago.

"Yes. We will stick to learning Russian for now."

"For no-"

Russia cut him off with a gentle wave of the hand. "I am sorry to interrupt, Alfred –"

"Don't call me that-"

"But there is another…equally pressing question I would like to present to you."

At this Ivan's face fell once again, his expression turning from one of mirth to something deep but nearly unreadable. With a smooth movement Ivan bowed forward until he was much closer to the western nation than he had been in several hundred years.

"You are not angry with me about inviting Коля for dinner are you? I realize it is not entirely my place – though I do greatly desire to see him more than just an occasional glance across a frigid ocean – to allow him in without your express permission. So, I hope I have caused no offence."

Caught off guard by the sudden mention of Nikolai, Alfred could only stare dumbly for a moment – not really catching the anxious, waiting look in the violet eyes before him.

Nikki…he was worried about offending him by letting Nikki in?

"He is a welcome guest, Да?"

Alfred nervously rustled his hair. Where would Ivan get the idea that Nikki might not be welcome? Remembering the pillow-fight, Alfred laughed.

"Oh! Yeah! We were just teasing earlier; Nikki's always welcome in my house! In fact he usually stays over when we have a huge meeting or something to go to – has his own room here and everything! Don't worry about letting him in."

Though…Alfred noted in his mind with a hint of embarrassment. He'd really sucked it up when Nikki had tried to get out of staying for dinner. His bad.

Suddenly, Ivan gave a relived sigh – as well as backing up and allowing Alfred precious space.

"Good." The elder nation smiled softly. "I did not mean offense by taking charge so suddenly. I merely wished to welcome him." With a slightly sad expression he added. "I do not see him so often these days..."

Most unexpectedly, Alfred found himself sympathizing with his unusual acquaintance. It really couldn't be easy, giving up something that was a part of yourself like that. For a moment his mind wandered back to the days leading up to his own independence…those final days before England and he's paths parted.

Shaking his head he tried a smile.

He wouldn't think about such things! Heroes totally don't cry like heartbroken little kids who just wanted their Iggy back - not in front of their nemesis anyway…

But despite his assurance Ivan still looked a little down, so once again letting his American spirit shine through Alfred did the bravest thing he'd done in a long time. He put his hand on Russia's shoulder.

"He's the best guest ever!" Alfred nearly shouted, laughing happily. "Nah, I'm not upset or anything – actually I'm glad! It's Nikki after all!"

Ivan's eyes slowly wandered over to where Alfred's hand rested on his shoulder, regarding it with a sort of confused fascination – as if it were a wonder of the world. "Despite the fact that we came expressly too cook food for _you_, Alfred?" Ivan responded.

Alfred pointed his thumb back at his chest – removing his hand from Ivan's shoulder in the process.

"All good! I actually feel great right now!"

Still in a bit of shock that not only was Alfred not mad, but he let him call him by name and had even touched him – however briefly - Ivan pressed on. "Then Коля is _our_ guest?"

"Sure! Why the hell not?" Alfred confirmed, flinching only the slightest bit at the inclusion of the word 'our'.

Hearing these words, Ivan's demeanor changed drastically. With a truly deep smile he backed further away from Alfred to a distance he knew was comfortable for the space-conscious American and gestured down the hall in a silent 'after you'.

"Oh no..." Alfred shook his head, a sharp feeling of nervousness rising in him as he jokingly laughed. "Guests first! You go right on ahead."

With an unconcerned shrug Ivan led the way toward the dining-room from which completely tantalizing aromas were already drifting; tickling Alfred's nose and making his mouth water.

He knew his brother had France's mad cooking skillz (and none of his libido-thank God) So if Ivan could do even half that then the four of them would be eating like freaking kings tonight! Speed-hopping his way to the opulent, yet still comfortably homey room Alfred found that Nikki had already staked out a chair by the window. Kumajiiro was guarding what Alfred guessed was Mattie's chair, leaning up to poke at the silverware laid out for his master.

Was it just him or was Nikki jerking his head toward the chair right across from him?

Taking what he thought was probably a hint and happy to oblige, Alfred hobbled his way over toward the chair – taking the time to stare at all the wonderful dishes already lain out. He didn't recognize even half of it but damn it looked good!

Just as Alfred placed his hand on the high-backed wooden chair the door leading to the kitchen entrance swung open as Ivan, with Matthew behind him both entered with the last trays of food. As he set the tray down a strange, almost warning look came over Ivan's face while he regarded Alfred and the chair.

"I had planned on sitting there, Alfred. You do not mind do you?"

Alfred threw up both hands like he'd just been placed under arrest. "Nope! All yours buddy!"

The American moved away, then turned – the look in his blue eyes informing Ivan he was thiiiss close to saying something. Instead, he took his seat with only a slightly muttered "Don't call me Alfred." and began to stare hungrily at the meal before them.

Canada gave his brother a pleased look as he ushered Kumajiirou out of his place. It was about time that stubborn mule started to try and get along with Ivan!

In the middle of the short-lived struggle however; the brothers had missed the tense deer-in-the-headlights look Nikolas had on his face, blue-violet eyes wide and nervous as he took his seat and watched his former guardian do the same in the seat directly across from Alaska – the one closest to the doors.

Alaska had seen the move before – once a very long time ago in the fuzzy haze of his early colony days. It seemed innocuous enough. Except for the fact that now anyone wishing to leave the room had to get past Russia in order to do so…

And judging from the upbeat, content look on the mans face that wasn't an option.

This meal…would be the death of them. Russia was guarding the door. Sure, he was smiling and laughing with Matt and Alfred now – but Alaska new better.

He had _seen_ things…

Trying to stop the shakes, the state forced a smile.

_Thanks America…just…thanks._

Ivan felt a surge of relief as they all took their carefully arranged (without them realizing it) seats. He was glad Коля was their guest of honor, pleased Matthew had invited him in the first place, and positively ecstatic that Alfred had suddenly decided to act so civil.

Now, they could have a true meal among friends and family! Glancing lazily at the clock Ivan's mood grew even brighter. It was still very early in the afternoon. They might finish by midnight then…

After all, there was no use dragging things out unnecessarily long!

With eyes firmly fixed on Nikolas, Ivan couldn't help but let his good mood show.

This would be a wonderful evening!

* * *

**Authors Note: **

bwahahaha!

Authors Recommendation o' the week : ...I forgot.


	8. Cultural Activity 1, Welcome Students!

Lesson 21 : Cultural Activity 1

Lithuania stared. He wasn't quite sure what to do.

According to his normal routine, the Baltic nation had arrived early – much sooner than most others would for the simple purpose of organizing himself before the distraction of multiple nations and their varied languages could disturb the peace and quiet.

But instead of being blissfully alone in the conference room he found himself joined by America who sat hunched over in a far corner of the room – a dark cloud above his head. For a while Lithuania tried to ignore the gloomy mass, then cursed his own friendliness and went over to see if America was okay.

"Um…Mr. America?"

The other country looked up, eyes hollowed from lack of sleep. His blond hair was even more disheveled than it normally was, as if still uncombed. Above all he had an exhausted air about him that made Toris wonder for a moment if America's economy might just be a lot worse than the stubborn nation let on. It must be horrible for him to look that bad!

"Oh…" Alfred mumbled in a slow, tired sort of way – as if speaking took more effort than it was worth. "Hi Liet…"

Alfred…wasn't talking? No rapid fire, mile a minute, so loud it could deafen you speeches on how great he was? Toris' hand was on Alfred's head in a fraction of a second.

"What happened to you? You look awful! It's not your government is it?"

Alfred shook his head. "No…dinner."

After a moment of confused silence and a long stare Alfred grabbed Toris' hand and looked so deep into his eyes it made Toris shiver a little.

"I've…seen things…"

**[3:00 p.m. Alfred's home the previous day.]**

"What the heck is that?"

His stare accusatory, Alfred pointed at the soup in front of him that he guessed he was expected to eat.

Ivan chuckled. "What does it look like, Alfred?"

"It looks…for crying out loud look at it! It's friggin red!" He went to poke at it but chickened out at the last moment, putting his spoon back in its place. "What the hell kind of freaky stuff are you serving me? It's probably pure poison…"

Ivan smiled as he stirred his own soup fondly. "It is good for your health. Try some."

"Not until you tell me what it is."

"Soup."

America glared, not even making an attempt to hide his frustration and distrust of this suspiciously red thing in front of him. "What's in it?"

"Vegetables." Alaska finally answered, exasperated as he took a mouthful of the pleasantly warm dish. Sure enough, it was the same recipe he remembered. Russia was true to tradition - although there was something else he couldn't quite place at the moment.

"Vegetables?" Alfred asked, now casting a suspicious glance at his state. "And exactly what kind of plants do you know are friggin' red?"

"Tomatoes." Canada smiled, looking just as tired of Alfred's questioning as the nations other two guests were. Though, it was a little hard to tell who the guest was and who was the host…Alfred never had been too good at entertaining…But besides that. Really though. His brother was dense and yet - every once in a blue moon - it could be fun to play on his excitable nature just a _little_ bit.

Alfred seemed to relax a bit after Matthew spoke, finally lifting his spoon. "So it's tomato soup? Looks really…different. It's not one of your dishes?"

"It is mine, America." Russia answered jovially.

"Could'a figured that out." Alfred muttered balefully as he took yet another look at the mystery food before him. Why wouldn't Russia let him start with something less…disturbing? He could scarcely imagine what horrible things probably went into cooking it – and judging from its bloody color he didn't want to know.

"Tomato…" Alfred consoled himself. It wasn't his favorite, but it was at least familiar.

As he lifted the spoon to his mouth Russia giggled. "It's not tomato."

Nearly dropping his silverware Alfred's blue eyes darted over toward Ivan who merely continued to eat peacefully. "Then what exactly is in it?"

"Iron. It is good for you."

Matthew felt a smile spread across his face. He really did feel for his brother and part of him wanted to reassure him that the soup had nothing scary or strange in it but still…

If he helped him, he wouldn't learn.

From the end of the table Nikolai gave a scoff, drawing Alfred's attention. "Seriously…is the great 'Hero' afraid of _soup_ now? You're becoming a regular scardy-cat Al."

Alfred took a look at how calmly Nikolai was eating and glanced back at his own food.

"Should we get something tamer for you? We understand your delicate constitution."

Oh. That was it!

Angrily, Alfred shoved the spoon in his mouth. For a moment he scowled childishly at Alaska before his eyes widened. Actually taking a moment to taste the soup that was now proving as delicious as it had smelled Alfred looked at the bowl with renewed wonder.

"Wow…this is, uh…really good."

Nikolai gave a smug grin.

"Thank you." Both Ivan and Matthew answered, each having helped to make it. With a smile Alfred began to eat heartily, no longer afraid of this mystery dish. "So what's this called?" He asked between spoonfuls.

"Borsch." Ivan answered. "It is an old dish from my country. It was given to me by my sister, Ukraine."

"Oh…it's tasty."

"Спасибо. I'm glad you like it Alfred." He gave the nation a sly smile. "Perhaps you will have it more often now, Да?"

Alfred averted his gaze. "Sure…"

Like hell he'd be caught suddenly eating a ton of Russia's strange (strangely delicious!) food. Sitting up straight Alfred's bright blue eyes continued to observe the unique dish before him. He could see carrots, and onions, and …..red things…. "What are these?" He asked, indicating one of the little red diced squares.

"Beets." Ivan replied. He was thoroughly enjoying Alfred's interest in his dish. "It is what gives the soup its color."

"Oh. Do you always serve it hot with sour cream?"

"Nearly always with sour cream, however; it can be eaten cold as well if you wish."

"Oh. Cool." Taking another mouthful Alfred really tried to pick out the flavors he was experiencing. There was one that was familiar but sort of different.

"Hey...is there beef in here? I kind of taste it but it seems different from what I'm used to."

Ivan gave him a nod. "Yes. There is beef in here."

"Is it a special version – like you know Japan has that fancy beef over at his house? He doesn't like to share it though…"

At this Ivan stopped to think a moment. "Well…I suppose you could call it a special version. It is veal."

Alfred frowned. He'd heard that before. Wasn't that baby cow?

"Isn't that baby cow?"

"Да."

He stared back at the soup.

For just the most fleeting of moments he had the image of a happy calf, frolicking in an almost cartoonishly green wildflower field. Then storm-clouds gathered. From the darkened sky came an ominous gloved hand attached to a glowing eyed giant – ready to snatch the little one away…

Alfred stared at his food.

"Baby cow, huh?"

Then after a while continued eating.

"So…it tastes a little different. Not quite like beef or anything else really. I mean, I've had venison and even bison back in my younger days but not veal." He shrugged. "Ya know. Most of the time when you ask people what something exotic tastes like here they'll tell you it tastes like chicken!"

The other three laughed, well acquainted with the American habit of saying anything unusual or strange tasted like the ubiquitous poultry that was so common in their country.

Alfred grinned broadly. "So I wonder; what does it taste like? If anything, ya know?"

With a knowing nod Russia gave a hum – as if remembering something.

"Well…according to some anthropologists it tastes very similar to people. Or rather, people taste like it…"

Alfred nearly choked on his water. Alaska noticed and giggled.

Canada looked momentarily scandalized. "Is that true?"

Ivan gave an enigmatic smile. "Now I wouldn't know. So I will just have to take their word for it!"

Looking quickly back and forth from Russia to Alaska, Alfred pouted at his state. "Heeey! Aren't you all shocked or something?"

Nikolai snorted. "No. I knew that people tasted like veal already."

Without a moments hesitation he resumed his meal.

After a contemplative pause Alfred regarded his own bowl. Well, no matter what had gone into it…it was still damn good. Dropping the matter in his own mind he continued to eat, thinking that from now on maybe he should ask questions about something else.

Nikolai smiled, having finished his soup. It really was as good as he had remembered. But now…

He eyed the fish sitting a little bit away. While he and Alfred had been lounging around the impromptu parties hosts had been busy switching out courses, and this was a familiar favorite of his.

"Cedar-smoked salmon?"

Canada gave him a wide grin. "Of course, eh!"

Now this meal was awesome.

As the savory treat arrived he caught Alfred staring at it curiously. His eye twitched but he ignored it. It _was_ America after all...

"You've had that before?"

"Of course." Nikolas grinned. "It's a dish Matt and I share."

"Really?"

"Sure enough."

With the eagerness of a child Alfred tried that as his next adventure and found it just as delicious as anything else he'd eaten that night.

"You guys really outdid yourselves!"

"We want you to eat well." Matt explained, sheepishly tugging at his hair twirl as he accepted the compliment. "It really makes you feel good to have good food."

"Truly." Ivan backed him. "This will definitely speed your recovery – so eat well, Alfred."

Alfred smiled. The food was good enough he wouldn't even give Russia shit about calling him by name – at least not until dinner was over anyway.

After a while, Russia called their attention. Ivan raised his wine-glass and the others did the same - Alfred allowing himself an internal chuckle. He would have bet money they'd be drinking Vodka at dinner – but it looked like Matthews French blood had won out after all!

"To our health!"

With pleasant affirmations all around the group drank before starting back into their food.

**[6: 40 pm]**

Alfred didn't think he could move.

He was a little surprised at the time; he didn't think they'd been there that long. But it made sense seeing as unlike the typical American meal he was used to where you just sort of devoured everything as fast as possible – here he'd been encouraged, maybe even forced to take his time.

What with the lively conversation, frequent toasts and wonderful cuisine he'd really lost track of the passing day. And the food kept coming as more was brought out from the kitchen, Matthew and Ivan taking turns with each course. He'd eaten borsch, cedar-smoked salmon, baked beans with maple syrup (a real surprise), something called chicken Kiev (from Russia), fiddle-head ferns (who knew they were edible?), a moose roast, among a multitude of other more familiar vegetable sides and a few meat dishes that were all truly wonderful – all topped off with a wide variety of bread and plenty of toasts that had left Alfred just a little tipsy.

And now he couldn't move.

As Ivan and Matthew cleared away the dishes, plates and other various things that had overrun the table Alfred contented himself to sit back and relax.

He was full, happy and now a bit sleepy. With Ivan out of the room Alfred gave a quick chuckle and a sideways grin directed at Nikolai who was like-wise looking very full and happy. Alfred stretched as much as he could (being stuffed and all!)

"So now that dinners over I can finally get some rest…ah…I'm so full. Bed sounds good."

Nikolai opened an eye to look at him, and then sat up. He gave a strange little grin.

OH NO! Alfred tensed. Nikki was doing that creepy ghost-child thing again!

With a deep laugh Alaska stared with wide –unblinking eyes at Alfred. "You're not getting away so easily…_Amerika_…"

* * *

Lesson 22: Welcome Students!

A considerable crowd had gathered in the conference room by the time America came to a halt – pausing just long enough to take a comforting slurp of his soda ( another one of his totally cool inventions! Beat that world! ) And while any one of the throng would swear they weren't listening in there were more than a few curious ears pricked in the direction of the two nations seated near the end of the table.

In an attempt at lightening the mood Lithuania tried his best reassuring smile, only to watch as America sighed and laid his head on the cool wooden surface. After a brief respite the nation sat back up again.

"You have no idea how much that sucked!" Alfred sighed dramatically. "I mean...it started off kind of rocky. Then it got better. Then Mattie left and all hell broke loose. I can't believe I even let them inside! Well...I guess I kind of had to let Mattie in - he's my brother and all. But then he would have yelled at me for being rude to people - even though Ivan was totally _not_ my guest! It's just...just..."  
A low sigh once again slipped forth from America, who appeared to have given up on explaining the issue.

Toris knew firsthand how trying even a 'simple' (if there was even such a thing) dinner with Russia could be - he'd learned to deal with them over the years. But for someone like America who ( last time Lithuania had checked ) learned all his cooking skills from Arthur and still somehow managed to inherit _not one ounce _of the mans tact - it probably had seemed like the end of the world.

Lithuania paused, expecting America to say as much but soon found himself disappointed. Alfred had chosen to amuse himself by leaning back in his chair and examining the ceiling with utmost intensity. From Toris' left, Estonia (who had arrived some time between Alfred's wild flailing and dejected pouting) moved forward to speak his mind.

"And how long did this go on?"

Alfred sat both himself and his chair down normally for a moment as he thought back. "Ivan and Mattie showed up at about 2 in the afternoon."

"And?"

"_He_." Alfred growled, indicating Ivan. "Didn't leave 'till this morning."

There was a slight shuffle in the room as every eavesdropping nation moved just an inch closer to the gossip. Somewhere a small metal object - probably of the sort used for sewing - could be heard echoing with its high, piercing tones. Lithuania and Estonia noticed immediately and exchanged a glance, not quite sure if they should break up the crowd or continue heedless of who might listen in.

It's not like the information was bad or highly classified - they hoped. They really, really hoped.

It was just a casual - if somewhat awkward and strange meeting of nations wasn't it?

"This morning?" Latvia yelped. Toris and Eduard jerked to look at him, not realizing he'd shown up already. "Wow…must have been some party!"

"It was something alright, Latvia."

The smaller nation shivered slightly. "To have Russia spend the night at your house-"

"Don't say that."

"But he slept over didn't he?"

"Just….uggggggg…" America finished weakly, not really having been up long enough nor having enough coffee to sit down and patiently explain to Latvia exactly why he shouldn't phrase _this_ particular subject _that_ way. "I damn near didn't make it out of there. I think if Nikki hadn't been with me I might have died…"

Toris at first looked sympathetic but later his smile turned gentler - similar to the smile an adult would give an overreacting child. "I don't really think you would have. Spending time with Mr. Russia's not th-tha-"

He hung his head.

He just couldn't say it…not in good conscious. For him at least, it really WAS that bad.

"So…" Toris chirped, going for a sudden change of subject. "It's all over and done with. So now just relax! It's a little strange for you to be so quiet, right?"

America leapt to his feet. Trust good –old Liet to say the right thing!

"That's right! I'm amazing! The HERO! That frost-bear isn't going to get to me!"

_Frost-bear?_ The three Baltics wondered - each imagining what a frost-bear might look like and furthermore how one representing their sometimes frightening neighbor might appear.

"G-glad to hear you're back to normal so quickly." Toris praised him, recovering sooner than the others due to the massive amount of exposure he'd had to America stemming from the time he'd worked in the rowdy nations home. But the genuine smile on his face suddenly tensed as Alfred's hand plopped firmly onto his shoulder.

"Uh…Mr. America?"

"CONGRATS, LIET!"

A little surprised, Lithuania's green eyes simply stared vacantly for a moment or two. "For what?"

"WE'RE CLASSMATES BUDDY!"

There were confused looks exchanged. Eduard gave the slightest of shrugs and adjusted his glasses. Perhaps one night with Russia _had_ been enough to drive America over the edge.

"Ya know," Alfred continued, his voice regaining its wall-shattering (see normal) levels once again. "Last night while we were sitting around Mattie started talking about how he'd like to learn Russian. So Ivan told him that it wasn't too hard and tried to get Nikki to say something but Nikki couldn't 'cause he's totally awesome and Americanized and stuff so then Ivan decided that Nikki should take classes too!"

"And what does this have to do with-"

" Привет! Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia and Alfred!"

"Quit it!" Alfred whined for only a second before re-striking his heroic pose.

"So yeah, since I figured I was gonna be bored in Russia's stupid class I asked if you could come with! Isn't that awesome!"

"You…what?" Lithuania's complexion dimmed in response to Alfred's words. "Please tell me you-"

"It is wonderful, Да?" Russia beamed, practically glowing with happiness as he looked over his students. "Lithuania, Estonia and Latvia will all be classmates!"

Estonia and Latvia flinched. Eduard edged ever so slightly toward the door. "Well. As exciting as that-"

Ivan moved just a little to his left, cutting off retreat. With a suppressed gulp Estonia resolved himself to his fate.

"W-w-well..." Latvia stammered. "It…could be f-fun…like the old days!"

If Estonia and Lithuania had looked pale before they could have been described as nearly translucent after hearing these words.

"HA! HA! WONDERFUL!" Russia clapped happily. "There are other things I must attend to today so I will give you instructions later. I look forward to teaching you again my Baltics! До свидaния!"

With an enthusiastic wave the northern nation disappeared into a crowd that quickly parted for him – passing through the host of nations that had once been trying to listen discretely earlier but now nearly enclosed them in earnest. As the group around them awkwardly dispersed there was only one last remaining comment to be heard in the room.

"L-LATVIA!"

When Austria arrived he was shocked to find nations still milling around. Normally the meeting would have started by now. Suppressing a small flutter of irritation mixed with a twinge of relief ( he had actually been running late today, HIM of all people!) he began to search for his seat when his eyes fell upon Hungary - her gaze uncommonly distant as if she were no longer capable of seeing the world around her. The young woman's face was turned slightly upward, exhibiting a look that was near indiscribable. Her right hand was raised near her chest, as if stopped in the middle of some uncompleted task while her left arm held a small piece of cloth - the apron she'd been hemming. Seated with her back to the main room and as still as stone she could almost have passed for an increadibly life-like statue.

"Elizaveta?" Roderich whispered softly, a bit hesitant to disturb her from whatever thoughts were causing that thin stream of drool to run from the corner of her mouth. With an irritated snort he was about to walk away when a silver glint caught his eye. In a quick and controlled movement Roderich retrieved the pin from the floor and carefully placed it back in Hungary's waiting fingers.

Instantly the woman snapped from her thoughts, staring at him a bit owlishly. "Wh-Roderich? Are you here already?"

"The meeting is scheduled to have started already. I'm actually running a bit behind." Austria added the last bit with a hint of bitterness. "What had you so carried away that you forgot about your sewing? Or should I ask?"

Elizaveta wiped the drool from her mouth, her blush turning from the palest of reds to a deep crimson. "Ah...uh...just America and Russia."

Austria shrugged. He really didn't understand her sometimes.

The day soon arrived that no fewer than five nations had been dreading.

On that particularly hot day at the end of August an inconspicuously dressed Alfred F. Jones made his way toward an isolated walkway that curved alongside the three-story college's pale golden-red brick walls.

It was a nice enough school. Nice and respectable with its theater style classes or new-age rolling chairs with nice net seats so your butt didn't fall asleep in the middle of a three hour lecture.

That was, except for the Mod buildings.

Tucked off to the side of the main campus what appeared to be a little village had sprung up. Wood-paneled rectangular buildings with unusually large and almost governmental looking numbered plaques – the mod buildings were clustered closely together in a small clearing of shortly cropped grass and surrounded by trees. Each building had a ramp leading up to a single door.

All Alfred had to do was find that one door that led to his class.

"DAMN IT!"

Prussia turned over in bed and pulled the covers higher.

"_Hey, don't you think it'd be fun?"_

"_Look at me Matt." Prussia demanded with the sort of calm irritation that is normally reserved for serious misunderstandings. "I lived with Russia. I really...really…really-"_

_"You'd be delighted."_

_Peering from the corner of his red eyes, Gilbert mustered the darkest glare he could at Ivan who only returned his gaze with another statement._

"_I'll see you in class, Да?"_

"_No."_

_"Да."_

"_NEIN."_

_There was a pause. _

"_Matthew. If you'd be so kind as to give Gilbert the instructions on how to get to the campus?"_

"_Uh…sure." Came Matthew's tentative response._

"_MATT! Hey! Come back here! I ain't going!"_

"_GILBERT!"_

_The Prussian turned to see his worst enemy – Canada's puppy face._

"_Aw no- Matt…come on...no. I don't want to~"_

"_Just be nice." Matthew pleaded. "C'mon. You wouldn't stick me alone with my brother would you?"_

"_I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone you Matt."_

"_So you'll do it?"_

"_Er…"_

This was how Prussia ended up in bed, trying desperately to ignore the clock that ticked away the few precious minutes before class. Even if he left right now he'd never make it to the school on time, so he might as well go back to sleep. He really hated letting Matt down but that Russian wasn't going to experience the pleasure of having the awesome Prussia in his stupid class. It's not like -

Suddenly there was shattered glass in the air.

"Wha-"

From the narrow hallway Italy looked up the stairs. Was it his imagination, or was Gilbert yelling? And stomping. There was a lot of racket from up there.

"Ve~ Germany…something's going on."

"Ah. Just let it be, Italy. Mein Brüder is going to school today."

Canada smiled up at the buildings. He'd been to this campus before – one of the reasons that Ivan and he had chosen it. Even better, he was a little early so he could pick up a snack at the cafeteria!

Racing up the walkway, Canada just barely slowed down before reaching the automatic doors.

Which didn't open.

WHUMP

"Maple…"

From the ground Matthew re-adjusted his glasses and stared up at the supposedly automatic doors that inexplicably failed to allow him entry to the building. Kumajiiro, fortunate enough to be running behind his master at the time of impact, began licking Canada's forehead before questioning – "Who?"

"Canada. And a door that won't open."

"Is it broke?" The bear moved forward, causing the doors to slide open gracefully.

Sitting up Canada patted his pet lovingly. "Guess not. I must have been going too fast."  
As he rose to his feet and dusted himself off Matthew checked his watch. He had meant for this to be a short trip – but he could still make it if he hurried.

WHUMP!

"Ooh….."

England sighed as he watched his former colony race back and forth from one wooden building to another, desperately checking the signs.

"And what are you doing?"

"What are _you_ doing?"

"Don't answer a question with a question." Arthur chastised. "It's incredibly rude."

America shrugged. "Whatever. Hey, do you know which one class 5's in?"

"This one." England noted dryly, pointing to the ramp they were currently standing before.

"I knew that. I just wanted to see if you knew. Anyway, what _are_ you doing here? Taking classes or something?"

"You could say that. I'm taking Russian."

With a wild hoot of laughter America had to lean against the aged wooden rail to keep standing. "YOU? You're taking Russian? Why the heck would you?"

"It's good for international relations." Arthur sniffed. "Or national security."

"Ah." Alfred straightened, making his way up the ramp. "Good luck with that then, you're gonna need it!"

"I think I can handle multiculturalism a bit better than you do, Alfred."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Humph."

Stepping into the room the two were greeted by four sets of shadowed eyes. Latvia and Estonia smiled - Latvia even attempting a friendly wave. On the far left of the room by the projector sat Prussia who - ignoring the new-comers continued to stare vacantly at his desk while mouthing something silently over and over again as if chanting.

"America!" Lithuania jumped up, smiling widely. "And Mr. England as well! It's good to see you!"

Behind him, Russia gave a slight, almost expectant clearing of the throat – as if reminding Toris of something he'd forgotten.

The nation's eye twitched, safely unseen by Ivan.

"З- Здравствуйте…"

"Very good!" Russia cooed. "Здравствуйте! England! Привет! Amerika!"

"Nu-uh dammit!" Alfred yelled. "Use the freakin-long word with me too!"

With a humored chuckle Ivan nodded.

"Yes. Yes. I suppose as your teacher in class at least I should be formal with you as well, Да? Здрaвствуйте Amerika!"

Taking their seats, the two arriving nations sat quietly – waiting for class to begin. It was England who realized that Ivan was still watching them very closely.

"Em...yes?"

A bit hesitantly, Ivan wondered aloud. "Is it polite in your country to not respond when someone says, "Hello"?"

"Oh!" Alfred sat up. "Sorry. Здравствуйте!"

"Very good Alfred."

"Don't call me that."

Now England found himself on the end of Russia's pointed stare.

_Bloody- how the hell do you even pronounce that? _Arthur wondered, sweating slightly.

"I-I'm sorry. The word went by a little fast. Could I hear how it's pronounced?"

"Здравствуйте."

"Zdrav-" England started. "-stvooote?"

America patted him on the shoulder.

"Aw. You'll get it Iggy!"

A sly grin crossing his face England noted. "Oh. You do realize you've learned how to speak some Russian?"

"Yeah!"

"I see. So do you recall that bet you made with me back in '63?"

America's mouth dropped open.

"NO! That's taken out of context! It doesn't count – we were at war!"

"Pay up, and stop your blathering. It's undignified."

With a pout America handed over the agreed upon sum.

He KNEW there was another reason why he didn't want to learn Russian.

* * *

**Authors Note**

YAY! And we finally get into class!

For those of you wondering about what happened during the rest of the dinner…you'll just have to hang on for that! ^.~

In any case, this chapter is sort of based on (some) actual events.

I couldn't find my building.

The Automatic doors don't open for me. (Guess I'm too short…)

Although I was not abducted from my room...I showed up on time...

And on Lesson 20 - I know how much veal weirds some people out here in the states – so I used it. At least I didn't make him eat rattlesnake…although that's pretty good… So is gator…and of course deer…and rabbit…and elk, ostrich, bison...

Sorry Al. You'll live tho'. ( And don't you know it's rude to stare at other peoples food? XD)

Thank You so much for reading! I'm glad everyone likes this story so far, that makes me really happy!


	9. Assembling

England, despite his formal and stiff exterior was actually beaming with pride.

_Ha. I really am a genius after all! I can't wait to tell mint-bunny and everyone else how well this plan of mine worked!_

Casting a glance over at the teacher's desk he resisted the urge to chuckle.

_Now I can keep an eye on that frozen behemoth! After all, no one is better at spying than England – no one! Furthermore, now I can be sure nothing nefarious is happening between him and Alfred. Who knows what that man is capable of…_

Arthur could see Alfred, still pouting, out of the corner of his eye. "Oh get over it."

After only a few moments more of silence America's goofy grin returned. "HA HA! The HERO can't be held down for long! After all, I've got plenty of money!"

"Oh really?" England wondered, knowing all about the recent recession. "And where is this hidden mountain of gold you're so fond of?"

Whipping out his cell-phone Alfred waited patiently for the man on the other end to pick up.

"HEY! China! Can you lend me a twenty?"

"AIYAA! Are you broke again, Aru?"

"That's not how it works you idiot!" Arthur bellowed.

"Hey, when do we start class?" Alfred asked once his phone-call was finished.

Russia gave a thoughtful look.

"Hm…everyone is not here yet. But we should start very soon now. We have much to go over today – this being the first class and all."

The man gave a genuinely happy smile. He could barely imagine that he of all people would host a class for his fellow nations – teaching them about _his_ country no less!

"Hey, teach."

Ivan turned his head to the silver haired man. "Yes, Prussia?"

"I need to go real quick. That alright?"

"We haven't started class yet, so I suppose it is fine."

"Alright!" Jumping to his feet, Prussia made for the door.

_AWESOME!_

Prussia chuckled to himself. He couldn't believe Russia actually fell for that trick. Yeah, he just had to take a leak, sure. Like hell he was going back! "He fell for it! I am as awesome as awesome gets! Hell yeah!"

As he made his way further from the class his confidence grew – a great feeling of pride filling him as he glanced back to watch it retreat into the distance.

"I can't believe Russia actually thought I'd stay for that stupid class. Guess his brain's got frostbite from that icebox he lives – oomph!"

All normal classroom chatter came to an abrupt end as the door flew dramatically open, revealing a tall and imposing figure framed by the hall light. He entered, a heavy coat making him appear somehow larger than life almost and under his arm looked like –

"P-Prussia!" Lithuania yelled, just about the only one not in complete shock.

The newcomer held the ex-nation up single-handedly by the back of his shirt, as if carrying nothing more than a light piece of baggage. "Hey. I caught this. Where do you want it?"

Russia smiled. "Ah! Спасибо Коля. I was wondering where my Prussia went!"

"I went to the friggin' bathroom like I said!" Gilbert flailed, still not breaking free of Alaska's grip. "Besides, who the hell is this creep anyway?"

"I've never seen him before." England sniffed. Latvia and Estonia shared his lack of knowledge but Lithuania's jaw looked like it might hit the floor any second.

"He's my son."

Alfred and Ivan glared back across the expanse at one another, having spoken in unison.

The class ( excepting Lithuania who knew the whole story already ) gaped in what could only be described as abject horror.

England looked like he might pass out. "B-Bloody hell! Your son? As in BOTH of your…." His voice halted, but his mouth continued to move in shocked circuits.

_Am I…too late? No…this must have been going on all along…_

Estonia's eyes were wide and nearly unseeing.

_Who the hell…would have a kid with RUSSIA- well, other than Belarus but I don't see that happening anytime this millennia…_

Prussia had frozen, not moving an inch.

_Great! I'm stuck between Ivan and Ivan Jr. here! And what the hell – that punk America's his parent too? That doesn't seem physically possible!_

Alfred looked around the room. "Huh? Why'd everyone get so quiet? I told at least half you guys about what's his name-"

"Alaska."

"Nice to meet you." Alfred chirped happily.

Prussia hit the floor with a thud and an indignantly muttered – "_Asshole_!" as Nikolai stared at his caretaker.

"Not even funny…"

With a glance at England Alaska noticed the nation's stunned and blank expression.

America noticed and took immediate heroic action. "Yeah! Hey Artie!"

"Wha-"

Alfred pointed at Nikolai. "This is ma' boy, Nicki! He's the kid I adopted from Russia!"

There was a collective pause as the expression of 'oh!' crossed the faces of several nations. Estonia rubbed his temples while Lithuania comforted him with a soft smile with Latvia at his side wondering what just happened.

He was naturally spacey after all.

But it was England who felt the most relieved. "Oh! Er~ Hello Nikolas."

England could have slapped himself. Of course he'd heard of Alaska! What the hell had he been thinking?

Scratch that! No one wanted to know what he'd been thinking…

He knew about America's 'adoption' of Alaska since the time of his former colonies civil war but he'd still been so pissed after the revolution that he hadn't been around to see the lad. And by the time he and Alfred were on speaking terms again the northern state rarely left his arctic home.

"Aha…um. Hi there!"

Alaska gave him a long, serious look. "Artie? You wouldn't happen to be Arthur Kirkland by any chance?"

Sitting up straight, England smiled. "Yes. I'm England. A pleasure to-"

England deadpanned as Alaska took a seat, pointedly placing himself between his adopted parent and the foreign nation he'd taken an instant dislike to.

Alfred smiled.

_Look! He gets along with Iggy just as well as Tony does! He chose the seat right next to him!_

"Well," Russia cleared his throat, glancing at the clock. "Let us begin class."

* * *

**Authors Note:**

I lives!

*flops over*

"Bleh"

Anyway, I finally got back to this. It's kind of been a weird two weeks with me having a test in Art History, Chinese, Russian, History 101 and a speech in …well…Speech.

That and I was sick and had to call off work.

So I've been a little busy.

Upon further consideration I think it's better if I go back to the old style of updating – one short chapter fairly frequently. They would most likely be coming out on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays' and possibly Saturdays as well. It means the chaps will be shorter but you'll get more of 'em so it'll equal out. It should improve the pace of the fic as well.

As always, thank you for all your support – especially through all the changes with updates I've had to make recently. I'll keep at it if you will!


	10. Alphabet, all together now!

"Здравствуйте! And welcome to my class – Russian 101. Of course you all know me already. I am Russia."

Russia stood at the front of the class, the other nations in attendance seated in a half-moon around him with books and binders in place. Looking at his surprisingly attentive students he nodded.

_Aw. His three Baltics were so alert! They must be so happy to be in class!_

"Let us start with role call, da?" Ivan started from his far left, his eyes first falling on Lithuania.

"Lithuania is here. Estonia, Latvia, England, Alaska,-"

The man sighed, feeling a little out of place being a state among nations.

"Amerika, and Prussia."

For a moment a frown crossed his face as he counted again. With a shrug he moved on with the lesson.

"Judging from past experience – ." Russia's eyes flicked to America who sat with a smile still on his face. "I have decided to start by teaching you how to pronounce the letters in my alphabet. Just for a bit of fun –"

The class flinched.

"Does anyone know what the writing system that the Russian language uses is called?"

"OH! OH! OH! Pick me! Pick me! I know! Pickmepickmepickme-"

It was hard to miss Alfred flailing like a mad-man from his seat so Ivan called on him.

"It's Sirilec!"

The twitch in Ivan's eyes wasn't missed by Estonia, who smoothly shifted his chair back just a bit.

"A noble effort, Alfred."

"Don't call me that."

"The name of this writing system – " Ivan explained, pointing to the blackboard where the characters were already written down. "Is called Cyrillic. Just a note, but it is not just _my _country who uses this system. Many other nations use this to spell their own unique languages."

He nodded thoughtfully as the class took notes.

"It brings much joy to me to think of so many nations and peoples using the same writing system as I do. It makes me feel as if we are somehow closer."

Watching from their seats, there wasn't a student who didn't miss the slightly creepy look in Russia's eyes.

"Um…That sounds wonderful!" Lithuania responded quietly, expertly hiding his own quite contradictory feelings on the matter.

The look vanished as Ivan nodded. "Isn't it? Now, first, let's start with the alphabet. Then, using that alphabet we can spell some words that both our languages share."

"А – Like father." He began, glancing at Nikolai who pretended not to notice.

"Б – as in Baltic's." This time his gaze turned to the trio, causing Latvia to shake wildly.

"В – which looks like the English 'B' but is pronounced like 'V' as in Veal."

"Or Vodka." Prussia moped, looking like he needed a drink.

America sniffed. "Baby cows…"

England raised a questioning brow. Alaska rolled his eyes.

"Г – this is 'G' as in Goal. Д – this is 'D' as in 'Da'. Е – is like 'ye' in Yekaterina."

He smiled.

"My beloved sister."

America shrugged. "So why not use Б as in Belarus?"

"Ё is like 'yo' in You're crazy. Ж is –"

"HEY!"

Ivan paused, to take note of his first student. "Yes?"

"I'm not crazy! But seriously, what's up with your sister?"

With a heavy sigh the Russian partially leaned on his desk.

"She is…Don't misunderstand, I love her dearly. It's just…um. Hm. Yeah. So-"

Ivan paused, lowering the book with yet another low sigh.

"I really do feel for my sister. Belarus is a lovely girl, she is just so…persistent. I wonder why she does not understand when I tell her I have no wish to join her in marriage? I feel as if she may find some way to force me into this against my will and that terrifies me! Where does this come from?"

There was a moment of silence in the class.

Latvia went to open his mouth and as one Lithuania and Estonia quieted him.

Prussia snorted but wisely remained silent.

"Uh." America spoke up. "So we were on Ж, right?"

* * *

**Authors Note:**

Will they make it through the alphabet with their sanity intact?

Will Canada ever make it to class?

Find out – when I update again.

( Oh, and Ж is pronounced like bei**ge** )

Thanks for Reading!


	11. Class acts

"Ж. Hm…"

Russia paused in his lesson, looking over the curious letter. "I wonder how you would say this in English…"

"Speaking of which." Prussia piped up from his desk. "Why are we speaking English?"

England smiled. "Because the English speaking nations outnumber you three to one."

"HOLD IT!" The red-eyed imp demanded with a smirk. "I only see two nations – you can't count America twice!"

"I'm twice as awesome so of course he can!"

"No!...and you're not awesome, _I_ am."

Alfred shrugged. "Yeah…you're pretty cool sometimes…but not as cool as me."

With a twitch of the eye Gilbert stared back. "Oh, really?" He snorted, leaning back in his chair. "Yeah. 300 hundred years and going strong. Good work, kid."

Alfred scowled._ Oh…cheap shot!_ Shrugging it off he laughed, "Well…yeah! So? It's not about how many years you've got but how hard they rocked!"

"And boy do I remember those rocky years in the twenties." Gilbert snipped, just a little bit irritated about that whole little 'accident' the exuberant nation had caused.

"Don't we all." England grumbled under his breath, feeling much the same.

"HEY! Quit it! Not you too Iggy!"

"Well, you can't blame me for your mistakes." Arthur growled as his green eyes stared relentlessly back at Alfred. "You really need to think before you jump into things."

Alfred scratched his head, tousling his blond hair. "Well...I did kind of apologize. That makes us cool, right? Right! Thanks Iggy!" America then flopped back in his chair, clearly at ease with himself as England stared in shock.

"The- you can't just apologize and pretend it's all well and good! What kind of non-"

Something brushed his side, ever so slightly – and England look down in confusion.

There was a note tickling his arm.

Grabbing it, he waited a moment before he secretly flipped it open.

_England was it? _

_I wonder, have you ever seen the far north? We have volcanoes and bears and vast sheets of unforgiving ice. _

_I was thinking of taking you there – won't it be fun?_

With a sort of frozen horror on his face Arthur turned to see Alaska smiling at him with wide and childish blue-violet eyes – in the most creepy and threatening way possible.

_HOLY- Bloody creeper is what this guy is! He's as bad as – _

"BEIGE!"

The class stared at their wide eyed teacher who had just said about the most unexpected thing on earth.

"HaHa! Lol, wut?" America laughed.

"DON'T USE INTERNET SLANG!" England snapped.

Again…there was a soft tickle at his side.

_I…really don't want to look this time…_The island nation thought as a knot formed in his gut. Going against his better judgment he glanced down, remembering to brace himself.

It was another note.

"Eh...that's really not necessary..." He whispered, hoping the problem would just go away.

Alaska smiled. "If you insist."

From across the room Gilbert chuckled. It was about time someone made that guy squirm.

"Beige." Ivan repeated softly, making sure he had the classes attention - needlessly seeing as how he'd only randomly yelled a word for no apparent reason. " Ж. makes the same sound as the sound 'g' makes in the word, "beige"."

"Oh..." Came a chorus of voices.

Turning from side to side Ivan looked at his students. "Does everyone have it? I have noticed," He gave a soft cough. "That no one seems to be taking notes."

As a frigid chill seemed to seep into the room the nations shuffled, all breaking out their various pens and papers. When he was satisfied with the response Ivan continued. "So far we have gone through several letters. I'd like to go over them again."

There were nods of approval.

"The first ones are - " After a pause he moved to the blackboard. "Actually this might be faster. With quick movements he soon had the list up until that point written neatly on the board.

**А - F****a****ther**

**Б - ****B****altics**

**В - ****V****eal**

**Г - ****G****oal**

**Д - ****D****a!**

**Е - ****Ye****katerina**

**Ё - ****Yo****u're Crazy**

**Ж - Bei****g****e**

"So that is where we are now. In reality, we still have quite a few more. Let's move on then."

America sighed, looking up from his awesome doodle of him as Superman. Suddenly he raised his hand and waved it like a lunatic until Russia was forced to call on him.

"Yes, Amerika?"

Alfred lowered his arm. "Yeah, since I learned all this stuff already can I just...you know...space out?"

Ivan gave a soft laugh. "You're asking permission this time! I'm so pleased."

"Can I?" Alfred perked up.

"No you may not."

"Aw..."

"Well..." The Russian thought for a moment, hand on his chin as he looked at the ground.

"Since you claim to know the alphabet - and I did teach you that already..."

_Yeah!_ Alfred's mind jumped to it's inevitable conclusion. _Totally get to slack off cause I'm a freaking HERO! _

If he'd been paying attention he would have caught the hint of a smirk on Ivan's face.

"Would you mind reciting the rest of the alphabet for the rest of the class?"

"Say what?"

"Recite the alphabet."

Alfred took a deep breath. "A,B,C,D,E-"

"In Russian."

"FUUUUUCK..."

Ivan stared at him, violet eyes seeming a little tired now. "You didn't study did you?"

Alfred stood up dramatically. "My good sir I cannot tell a lie - I was too busy playing Call of Duty to care!"

As if only to provide an interesting contrast to the self proclaimed heroes winning smile, Russia sighed and leaned back on the desk behind him.

"Let's take a ten minute break, da?"

"SCORE!"

One could almost see the cloud of dust kicked up by America in his bolt out the door. Prussia was right behind him while England stretched, casting a stoic look over at their frustrated teacher.

"You realize it's a miracle he even learned any English at all." He explained.

"I am beginning to see why..." Russia sighed heavily before moving from his desk.

"I will be back shortly."

After the door closed behind Russia, Arthur finally breathed a sigh of relief. Now he could look over that board and try to get a jump on this class. It wasn't so much that he cared about learning Russian ( he was doing it to keep an eye on that idiot America of course ) but he wasn't about to let a bad grade spoil his record.

France would never let him hear the end of it if it ever reached his ears.

So he'd just buckle down and study and...and...

What the hell was Latvia doing?

Alaska stared at the shaky nation in front of him. Even with Nikolai seated and Raivis standing they were still eye to eye. But that didn't disturb him more than the incessant _shaking_. It reminded him of one of those little dogs - so filled with nervous energy it just seemed to quake constantly. Little dogs, annoyingly frail and irritatingly high strung...he valued his Huskies more. What kind of dog can't survive 40 below zero anyway? Was that really a dog at all?

"H-hello Mis-ster Alaska. I'm Raivis Galante. I am t-the nation of L-Latvia." The nation quietly introduced himself. Even though he wasn't really obligated to do so, he just felt that not to introduce himself might have...consequences...much later on. At least that's the conclusion Lithuania, Estonia and him had come to.

"...i-it's a pleasure t-to meet you."

Alaska's hand plopped down on the nations head as he stared unwaveringly back at Latvia. "You shake too much. Please stop."

"W-Wait, Mister Alaska!" Estonia yelped, the horrible flashbacks of Latvia's soul floating up and away springing to his mind. "Maybe you shouldn't- huh?"

Latvia stared, wide eyes in shock as he looked at his hands.

He wasn't trembling anymore.

"That's just creepy..." England noted.


	12. Omake1  Thanksgiving! Go Alfred!

"What?"

The gathered group looked on with mild confusion at their fellow classmate. Since they'd begun their time at Gakuen Hetalia he'd been sort of the odd-ball of the group - even for such a mixed group as them. But this was weirder than normal.

The American student flashed a hero's smile, blue eyes wide and sparkling.

"Thanksgiving! Come on! You know!"

Exchanging even more nervous looks it was the exchange student from China who first spoke up.

"Um. What is that, Aru?"

Alfred's mouth hung open. "W-what? Come on! Thanksgiving? The holiday?"

"I don't think we have anything like that in my country."

America scratched his head. "Really? That sucks. But everyone else knows what I'm talking about right?"

"Ve...no. Sorry America." Feliciano nervously replied.

"I've never heard of that." Roderich frowned.

"Does it have to do with love?" Francis wondered.

"No. Well. Other than familial love." Alfred responded.

"Non. We have nothing like that in France."

"What? Familial love?" Roderich snorted.

"Thanksgiving, you ass." Francis retorted.

Alfred started to feel a bit nervous. It was almost like no one else knew about the awesomeness of Thanksgiving. But someone had to know!

Wandering away from Yao, Roderich, Feliciano and Francis Alfred searched for other students he knew and found some a little way down the hall.

Aw crap. They were all the kids he didn't really get along with - oh wait! There was Artie and Kiku!

"HEY!" Alfred raced up, a little out of breath. Both students looked up from their homework, having been deep in concentration.

"What?" Arthur demanded, desperate not to loose his place.

"You guys celebrate Thanksgiving in your countries right?"

For a moment Kiku averted his gaze, thinking before he finally whispered.

"Jones-san-"  
"Call me Al! Seriously Kiku we've been over this."

Nodding, the Japanese student continued. "Well...we don't have anything like that in Japan, I think. Does it have something to do with remembering our ancestors?"

"Uh...no."

"Then I'm sorry but we don't celebrate anything like that."

"FINALLY!" Vash yelled from the door. "Kiku there speaks his mind! And no, we don't have it in Switzerland either and don't you dare go near my little sister! She says no too!"

Vash then stomped outside and left them in the suddenly quiet hall.

"Really?" Alfred pouted. "Well, what about you Artie?"  
"Sorry Alfred. We have nothing of the sort."  
"Man...there's got to be someone out here who celebrates it."  
With a sigh Arthur closed his book - he wasn't going to be able to use it until Alfred went away - and looked up at his sometimes friend.

"Has it occurred to you that it might be just an American holiday?"

"Yeah."

"Alfred, you're the only American here."  
"Yeah?"

Arthur's eye twitched. He shouldn't have to say more than that.

"Oh hey! There's a few more students outside! I'll ask them."

As the American raced out the door Kiku shivered against the cold air and whispered, "He is really invested in this holiday of his, is he not?"

Arthur stared out of the frosty window. "Yeah...but I don't know if that's a good thing this time."

"HEEEEEY!"

"What?" Ludwig asked as Alfred raced up to him and his brother in the snow.

"You guys celebrate Thanksgiving don't you?"

"Wha- er...no. I don't think so."

"Say what?" Alfred stood in shock. "Really?"

Gilbert laughed, placing his hand on top of Alfred's head. "That's just you dude! C'mon Ludwig, there's a few things I need your help with."  
"Alright." Ludwig paused a moment. "Alfred? Maybe you should try people from other English speaking countries. You know, someone you have a lot in common with culture-wise."

"Ah. Hey yeah! Thanks dude!"

With renewed energy Alfred raced off once again.

This sucked.

It seems that no-one. Absolutely no-one celebrated Thanksgiving.

Ivan had laughed at him, Toris had shrugged and apologized, Eduard shook his head, Raivis nearly got them all killed by Ivan.

Then Elizaveta told him she'd tell him if he brought her pictures of Berwald naked.

Eww...

"Man...even that Australian kid didn't know what I was talking about."

"What _are_ you talking about, Al?"

Alfred jumped up to look at his half-brother. "Mattie! Hey! Do you have Thanksgiving in Canada?"

"Yes."

"Alright!" Alfred cheered. "So this year it's going to be awesome right? We can-"

"Um...our Thanksgiving has already passed."  
"Say what?"

Matthew fidgeted a bit. "We celebrate Thanksgiving in October in Canada."

Deflating like a four week old Halloween balloon Alfred stood up from where he had been moping in the snow to trudge dejectedly across the campus and mope in the warmth of his room.

Snow fluttered against his window.

Man...this sucked.

Rolling over on his bed Alfred sighed heavily, his breath partially fogging up his glasses. This was the first time he'd felt so alone since he'd been sent away to the Academy. Great. No turkey, no pie. He'd settle for a lone cranberry right about now.

That little red gelatinous joy from a can...

Pulling the covers higher over his head Alfred stifled another bitter moan.

That meant no day off from school either.

This couldn't get any worse.

A knock at the door drew him to his feet and he shuffled to the door where the resident assistant handed him a letter.

"We found this. Keep an eye on your mail Jones."  
"Oh...thanks."

Closing the door, Alfred hastily checked the sender. It was from his pen pal back in the states. He'd done this outreach program before he transferred and ended up sending letters to a kid who lived on a reservation. Tearing at the paper his eyes scanned the letter.

Hey. 

Be happy for all the crud _your _ancestors took from _my _ancestors. 

Jerk. 

Alfred wiped a tear from his eye and smiled warmly.

"Happy Thanksgiving to you too buddy! I'm glad someone remembered!"

Carefully folding the letter Alfred wondered if maybe he asked the lunch ladies in the cafeteria real nice they could find some canned chicken. It wasn't a turkey but at least it was still a bird and it might cheer him up a bit. After all, it's not like Alfred could cook so...

There was another knock at the door.

"Yeah. What's up?" Alfred asked, opening the door to find himself face to face with his brother and Artie.

Matthew smiled nervously. "Hey...I thought I'd get you something...seeing as you can't cook and all." He held up a white plastic bag with something absolutely amazing smelling inside.

"I KNOW THAT SMELL!" Alfred yelped.

Once the three were at Alfred's small table the contents of the package were revealed to be roasted turkey breast.

"Hey...Mattie...where'd you even get this?"

"There's a deli down the street where they sell all sorts of meats. I figured that you might be hungry and -"  
His sentence was cut off by his brother's arms around him, squeezing him tight.

"That is so freaking awesome Mattie! THANKYOUTHANKYOU-"

Arthur cleared his throat. "Right, then. You wouldn't have a can opener would you? I've seen your programs showing people actually eating this strange concoction and I thought you might like some."  
Alfred turned to see his Artie holding a can of red jiggling goodness.

Was that a choir of angels? Holy crap!

Latching onto his next target Alfred shouted thanks while Arthur tried to push him off.

"Um..." A small voice came from the half-opened door, accompanied by a small knock.

"Come on in!" Alfred laughed, his mood vastly improved by the welcome surprise.

"Well, Alfred-san. I thought you might be hungry..." Kiku ventured into the room, carrying a small bag of food. "And I know how much you like candy - though it is not normally very healthy. This was the healthiest sweet I could find, the store owner said it was from America."

Peeking in Alfred's eyes widened at the sight of several apples smiling up at him oh so happily.

"Holy cow! Dude that's awesome! Thank you!"

"You are very welcome, Alfred-san. While researching your Thanksgiving I realized I had something similar in my country called Niiname-sai. It is used to give thanks for what we have, in older times to thank for the harvest and more recently to thank our laborers for their hard work through the year."

"Oh. Wow."

Arthur nodded. "Yes, well. It's the same sort of thing with me I suppose. We have a history of celebrating the harvest as well in the past."

A small cough at the door announced more guests.

Ludwig stepped nervously forward with Roderich nudging him from behind. "Well...we thought about what you were talking about and it sounded like something similar that we have in Germany and that Roderich says they have in Austria as well."

Roderich, looking a little nervous at the attention he was getting blushed and turned his head away. "Well. It's just a little something after all." He explained, producing a basket filled with fresh bread - the tantalizing aroma washing over the crowd. Ludwig set his own gift of well dressed goose on the table as well.

Alfred stood in shock.

"You guys...all went out and got things just to make me feel better?"

The boys exchanged looks.

"YOU GUYS RULE!"

Various voices thanked him and not a few faces went red.

"So! Share with me! There's enough for everyone, right?"

Agreeing, the group sat down and before the evening was out were joined by several other students - each bringing something from their part of the world for the most part. They had students from nearly every corner of the planet!

Francis had even snuck in wine somehow - and got an earful from Artie.

Amid the chattering voices in different languages Alfred felt just as home as he had ever been here among the students of the world.

"Dudes...happy Thanksgiving!"

Elizaveta smiled. She couldn't help but organize the whole thing. After all, Alfred had really outdone himself with those pictures...


	13. International Incidents 101

Russia stared.

He was partly interested, and more than a little confused.

"And...this is?"

Raivis looked over at the much taller nation, almost straining his neck in an effort to look up. "Mister Russia! We were just introducing ourselves! Your son is very kind!"

Russia leaned a bit to the side. No. It wasn't his imagination, Little Latvia wasn't shaking.

"Good! And thank you very much!" The larger nation laughed, making Alaska sigh deeply and wonder how he'd been tricked into this class in the first place.

Nikolai leaned back, looking at his notes so far. Well...he had letters. They hadn't really covered much in the hour they'd been there. With a shrug he was about to go over what little he had written down when he felt a tug on his arm. To his left he found a sheepish smile and shy violet eyes.

"M-mister Alaska, do you mind if I sit here?"

"Uh..." Nikolai tried to ignore the all-seeing puppy eyes. He could ignore that pleading look...maybe.

"I mean...I don't want to be a bother..." Latvia added, misinterpreting Estonia's frantic silent signals for him to be polite and missing the stillness that had come over their still smiling teacher.

"I'd just really like to sit here if you don't mind!" The spacey youth insisted and ramped up the adorable-ness of his gaze.

_Ah crap..._Nikolai groaned, a flutter in his stomach. _I can't say no to a face like that. Even if it is the old mans chair._

Russia sat in silence and cradled the tea he had gone out and retrieved during his short absence._ Little Latvia is a little...attached now?_ he thought, a slight hint of jealousy creeping in. Nikolai always swatted him away when he clung like that...why?

Estonia stifled a low groan and shared a worried ( and somewhat hopeless ) glance at Lithuania as they shared a look and a thought -_ It was nice knowing you, Latvia._

America reluctantly made his way back up the ramp to building 5 - _5 dang it! He knew it all along, he swore! _- and entered the room to find a little, non-shaky, nation sitting next to his Nicky.

"Ah. Well that sucks."

With a shrug he slurped his 30oz. and took a seat next to England who looked equal parts irritated with his proximity and disgusted with his eating habits.

"Was it really necessary to bring a hamburger to class?"

"MH...hmeckya...imtsawsmk-"

"What in the bloody hell are you even saying? No. Never mind. I'm sure it wasn't worth hearing anyway." Catching himself, England looked over toward Alaska where thankfully his new nemesis was preoccupied with Latvia being glued to his arm. To everyone's surprise Gilbert actually returned of his own free will - apparently having realized that he would have to attend this class like it or not and making the conscious decision to not have the daylights beat out of him...again. With a clearing of his throat (and a jealous glance at Latvia) Russia called the class to order.

"Now that everyone is together again we will continue with the alphabet." He pointed at the board. "You have written your notes for the first part of it - up to Ж. So we will now look at the next couple of letters. The letter after Ж is this-" With a quick swipe Ivan drew the letter on the board in its rightful place.

**З**

America snorted. "Dude. That's a three. It's totally a number."

Russia shook his head. "No...three is '3'. This is **З**."

Alfred stared.

_What. The. Hell_. _The frost-bear has really lost it this time. Everyone knows that's a number, not a letter. Man - look at Iggy's face! Even smarty England doesn't get it!_

With a cocky grin the American pointed to the board. "You mean to tell me that three is this sirile-"

"CYRILLIC." The class corrected him.

"Whatever. That thing is a letter in Russian?"

"Yes."

"...then how do you say three?"

The class focused intently on their teacher. Even England had to admit it was a good question. Did that mean they had to learn a new numerical system as well as alphabet?

Because that would be absolutely mental.

Russia took to the board once again with a heavy sigh. "You write three like this of course..."  
After a moment the class felt a collective pit in their stomach.

**З **

and

3

"THEY'RE THE EXACT SAME THING!" Prussia yelled, tugging at his hair. There was not enough beer in the Rhineland ( or Prussia's blood system for that matter ) to put up with this!

America took another swig of his soda before laughing. "See! I told ya Russian was fucked up!"

A piece of chalk nailed him in the forehead.

"It is context that tells you how it's used. Russian is not the only language that does this. Chinese also has words that are the same form as numbers." Ivan explained, his violet eyes focused ominously on Alfred who rubbed the small red spot on his head.

"Oww...you suck."

"Is it worse than detention?" Ivan asked - his malicious tone masked with sweetness.

Really this nation was trying his patience. If he could at the least be somewhat civil...

America tensed.

Detention sucked - probably worse than Russia and his '3' letter. And detention _with_ Russia - epitome of not cool. He'd probably ship him to the farthest end of his country and let him freeze to death - and he hated the cold! Or worse! Make him actually do something.

And that was just wrong.

"Point taken." America gave as his verdict and reduced his complaints to silent scowls. Taking control of his runaway class once again, Ivan pointed to the board.

"This letter З is pronounced 'z'. As in the word zoo." Ivan smiled wryly. "Sort of like what you've been turning my class into _Amerika._"

"America dammit." Alfred corrected.

"The next letter is this -" And once again Ivan wrote deftly on the board.

**И**

"What's with the backwards N?" Arthur questioned. "And while we're on that matter - why do your letters look so close to ours and are so totally different?"

"Excellent question England!" Russia cooed, deeply pleased. "You have made a good observation!"

"I observed your letters were messed up long before he did!" America whined, only receiving another chalk-piece to the head."

"I'm going to start taking points if you don't start raising your hand."

"If I fail the class do I-"

"You have to re-take it."

"Fuck."

Returning to the conversation with England, Russia leaned against the desk a moment.

"The Cyrillic language was actually created by a monk named Cyril - from which it derives its name. He was from Byzantium."

"I think I remember her..." Estonia mused.

"Miss Byzantium came from further south than you did, didn't she Mr. Russia?" Latvia questioned.

"Yes. She was once part of the Roman Empire but outlived her neighbor to the west. She was a large influence on my sisters and my development. We still carry many of the styles and culture she taught us - though we are still our own entities."

America and Britain exchanged a glance. Neither of them had even been around that long.

"To get back on subject." Russia continued. "The monks realized that their native Greek language was inadequate for expressing the intricacies of our Slavic languages - so they created a new language based on the Greek to better accommodate us and so that they could translate Christian texts into our language."

"Oh..." The class mused.

"So you got your writing from Greek? But your language isn't Greek based is it?" Prussia wondered, finally getting into the spirit of the class.

"No. Russian is a Slavic language and is not Greek or Latin based. Cyrillic however is derived from Greek characters."

For a while the class took notes before returning to the alphabet.

"So...moving on. We were on **И. **It is pronounced like the double 'ee' in see."

"Like an ocean?" America wondered.

"What the- like an ocean?" England scoffed. "No. Like you see with your eyes. Learn English would you?"

"Why would I learn English, I'm AMERICA. Duh. So I speak American. So how do you spell that in American?"

"It's the same bloody thing!"

"NUH UH! You always tell me my language is not what you taught me! So how do you say it in American?"

"I swear I will-"

A sharp tapping made the arguing stop as both nations looked at Russia who seemed to be a bit...tense. "Do you mind if I continue? Or am I disturbing you?"

"Um...go ahead." Both nations sheepishly responded - even if America did stick his tongue out at England directly afterward.

"**И** as in 'see' - with your eyes. The letter after it is very similar except that it is slightly shorter than **И**." He wrote it down.

**Й**

"This is more like the y in 'toy.'"

"So they sound the same?" Prussia interrupted.

"No. Like this -" Russia corrected, demonstrating.

There was a hush over the class.

"Yeah Prussia, they're the same." Alaska comforted him. "Don't worry too much about it now; you'll hear the difference once you've been speaking Russian for a while."

"Man...that just sounds so freaking ominous." Prussia groaned. "I'm too awesome to speak Russian. Been there done that."

America laughed. "Did you get the t-shirt?"

"Hell no!" Prussia snipped. "That shit was rationed!"

"MOVING ON..." Russia continued, writing the next character on the board.

**К**

"This should be easy. It is like k in 'kitten.'" Russia explained.

England smirked at Prussia. "Or Kitler."

"Man, even if it is a kitten - if I see that mustache I'm kicking it." Gilbert grumbled into his paperwork.

**Л**

"This is like L in ...LATVIA!"

The smaller nation flinched, skin pale as his wide eyes searched the room. Russia tapped the board, a terse smile on his face. "Did you have a good nap, little Latvia?"

"Y-Yes! Thank you for asking M-Mr. Russia! You're so thoughtful!"

Alaska groaned and hoped for Raivis' sake that puppy eyes worked just as well on Ivan as they did on him - though he sorely doubted it seeing as the look in Russia's eyes clearly indicated that while he may not suffer from his mistake right away that it would not be so easily forgotten. Estonia put his head on the desk. At least Raivis hadn't gotten _him _in trouble as well as he was want to do sometimes...scratch that...**all** the time.

"The next letter is pronounced like 'm' as in 'mistake'."

"Or Murder." Prussia mumbled just loud enough for Latvia to catch, causing the nation to quake despite Alaska's close proximity.

"It is spelled like this-" Ivan continued.

**М**

"After that comes 'n' as in 'nightmare'." He elaborated, looking squarely at Latvia despite currently writing on the board.

**Н**

"And it is not an 'H'." Russia quickly added as America raised his hand. "The next one can be pronounced two ways - 'O' as in 'bones' if it is stressed and 'a' as in a scream of pain-"

**O**

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT NOW!" England yelled. He cast a glance at the small nation who stared unseeing into open space.

"Yeah," America chimed in. (hey, his hand was up!) "Can we get less creepy explanations?"

"As you wish." Russia consented, turning to the board.

**П**

"This is pronounced 'p' as in 'partition.' or perhaps 'Poland.'"

England's eye twitched. "Didn't we just agree no more creepy non-sense?"

Russia shrugged. "Creepy? It is my hobby. Nothing scary."

"That's completely your singular point of view you know." England added as Russia returned to the board.

"The next one is 'r'. But rolled like this-" He explained, demonstrating.

The Baltic's nodded; Prussia rolled his eyes - too easy.

England blinked.

"Did you just bloody purr?"

The sound of scraping chalk on the blackboard assaulted their ears. For a moment Russia stood quiet, bent toward the board before he finally spoke.

"Let us take a ten minute break, da?"

"SCORE!"

Once again the first out the door, England and Latvia were close behind. Taking the opportunity Lithuania and Estonia slipped after him (to once again try to impress on Latvia how not to get himself killed this semester.)

Alaska sighed. "It's a little rough, huh?"

Russia rubbed his head. "Just a bit."

"You think we'll ever make it past through the alphabet?" Alaska wondered.

"Unlikely."

Red eyes curious, Prussia hesitantly waved for attention. "Hey. How many letters are there anyway?"

Russia looked tiredly at him. "33."

After doing the math Prussia thought his head was going to explode. At 18 letters they were only a little over half-way through the alphabet.

If they made it to words without someone getting wiped off the face of the earth it would be a freaking miracle and Prussia doubted that in this academic nightmare even his awesomeness could save him now.

* * *

**Authors note:**

I finally changed some mistakes I had made! Wahoo...

Cyrillic was actually based off of the Greek alphabet. It's a funny story but here goes.

Turns out that Latin and Greek are related to one another. Greek descended from an earlier language and then in turn was adopted into Latin and Cyrillic. So I guess Latin and Cyrillic are sort of like siblings, with Latin being older.

Saint Cyril and the other monks who developed the Cyrillic alphabet over several years drew heavily on the Greek, though it is almost certain they would have been familiar with Latin as well - cause that's what monks did back then.

Anyway, for more info contact your local library - or the do a search for it.

Thanks for Reading!


	14. StickFish

Prussia watched as his friend slowly slunk into the room, thankfully creating the exact opposite of a disturbance due to the fact that only Gilbert noticed him despite the nation coming in over an hour late. After a few moments of silence while they listened to Russia continue the lesson Prussia slowly leaned over and whispered to his long-time pal.

"So what gives? You're not the brother I'd expect to be late."

"Yeah." Canada whispered, then had to repeat it because even being just a few inches away Gilbert couldn't hear it. Even Gil-bird gave a confused chirp. "I got a little lost coming from Art History."

"You're taking other classes?" Gilbert asked, impressed. His red eyes were wide as he looked over Matt. He didn't even want to take one class – but Mattie was determined to make a proper semester out of this wasn't he?

With a slow nod and the barest hint of a strained smile Matt continued. "Yes. It's…interesting."

"How so?"

"Well…for one, in my book the fig. on page 494 has England's eyebrows."

Prussia barely held back the sudden bark of laughter, instead turning it into a muffled sputter that still managed to distract everyone. Giving up, he just laughed out loud. "So what else did you learn?"

"Something about floating brains hidden in art and visual propaganda."

"Such an interesting subject!" Russia interrupted from the center of the room, addressing the class. "Our nation has had many great works of art devoted to our propaganda. And though some may be out of date they are still very beautiful and inspiring pieces."

"What the hell?" America yelped, waking up completely. "How'd we get to propaganda?"

He'd been asleep?

Well damn then. He was a braver man than Prussia - he'd only fallen asleep on Ivan _once_.

Other nations exchanged similar looks, as if the subject had come out of thin air. Canada sighed, knowing they'd missed the whole thing.

"Anyway, I will tell you during the next break, for now let's continue." Ivan stated with a shrug.

"I still want to know how we -"

*whack*

"Dammit! Quit throwing chalk at me." America sulked as Russia tossed another piece lightly in his hand.

"I'm sorry, I thought we went over this earlier, _Amerika_. Raise your hand if you want to speak."

"How can I raise my hand if I'm sleeping?" Alfred demanded, eliciting an annoyed growl from his teacher. "And while we're on it, why are you trying to infiltrate my dreams with propaganda? Good thing I woke up when I did and foiled your plot!"

"Keep going America." Russia cooed with amusement. "It's not as if this is subtracting points from your grade or anything."

Puffing out his cheeks in irritation he exhaled loudly before grumbling, "Hardass."

Canada, quickly organizing himself, prodded the nation beside him. "Hey, what have we gone over?"

Prussia tapped the paper on his desk. "Not much - at least not with this group." He whispered.

Leaning over Matthew copied the alphabet from Gilbert's paper.

**А - Father**

**Б - Baltics**

**В - Veal**

**Г - Goal**

**Д - Da!**

**Е - Yekaterina**

**Ё - You're Crazy **_damn right they are!_

**Ж - Beige**

**З - Zoo**

**И - See**

**Й - Toy**_short 'e' or something._

**К - Kitten **_and NOT kittlers dammit.._

**Л - Latvia **_is soo screwed!_

**М - Murder **_nice knowin' ya Lat!_

**Н - Nightmare **_like this friggin class. And it so looks like an 'h'_**. **

**О - Bones **_Seriously, he has issues._

**П - Partition **_Man, Poland's gonna be pissed if he hears that!_

**Р - Russia **_Our resident looney._

After surveying the list Canada stared at the paper in front of him. "Are you sure this is right?"

"Yeah, it's been a regular riot here so far."

"Also," Matthew wondered, pointing at Gilbert's annotated notes. "Do you always do that?"

Gilbert grinned, crimson eyes flashing. "Hey, they make the time go faster."

Russia turned back to the board, writing once more.

"The next letter is pronounced like the 's' in Snow."

**С**

America's hand shot into the air, which Russia conveniently ignored.

"This one is the same in Russian as it is in English. It is 't' as in Tap."

**Т**

America lowered his hand.

"This one," Russia continued breezily. "Is like the double 'oo' in boot."

**У**

America's hand shot back into the air. Russia moved on without missing a beat.

"For our next letter it is pronounced like 'f' in farm."

**Ф**

"Or fat!" Alfred blurted out, this time getting an eraser to the face. Wiping away the chalk dust with a cough Alfred noticed Russia glowering at him with a strange childish smile.

"I am not fat unlike yourself America. I am simply big boned. Please do not assume all nations share your characteristic lack of concern for health - _and_ -" Ivan stressed. "_Do not speak without raising your hand_." He stressed in a voice that made the Baltics move ever so subtly away from him - having heard that tone quite a bit in the past. "The next time will be detention."

England glanced helplessly at America.

_Idiot. Could you act right for once?_

Sometimes he wondered how his former charge could manage to get through a single day without causing an international incident.

_Oh...wait...that's because he doesn't._

**Х**

Russia returned to the board with a slight hum. "This is a combination of the 'h' in 'help' and the 'ch' in the Scottish 'loch'. It may take some practice, similar to **Р **- " Russia spared a smug glance at America who slurped his soda indignantly.

For a moment Latvia looked curious, drawing Ivan's attention. "Did you have something to say Latvia?"

Once again, Lithuania and Estonia tried their best to give him the agreed upon signal for 'shut up' - but to no use.

"Mr. Russia, I've always wondered. Doesn't your throat hurt after saying that? It sounds like you have a cold and you're trying to- "

Alaska put a hand on Latvia's shoulder, causing the nation to look up at him. Nikolai in turn gave the small nation a serious look.

"Just...that's the way it is. Okay?"

"Alright Mr. Alaska!"

Crisis somewhat averted, Ivan returned to the board - but not without mumbling something to himself.

**Ц**

"You pronounce this like 'ts' in cats. And this one is pronounced like 'ch' in chirp."

**Ч**

Gil-bird gave a high pitched tweet, bringing a smile to Russia's face.

"Ah! Very good Gil-bird! You can have an extra point."

Gilbert whispered to his feathered friend. "Hey, don't make me look bad!"

**Ш **and** Щ**

"Now pay attention." Ivan instructed. "These are two different letters although they sound similar. The first is a hard 'sh' as in the word 'shut'. The second is a soft 'sh' as in the word 'sheep'. Can you hear the difference?"

"No." Came the resounding chorus. Ivan tried again with no greater success. Grumbling something about his class being deaf he continued.

**Ъ**

Pointing to the letter on the board Ivan caught the classes eye. "Now this is different. It is called a hard sign."

Canada blinked. "Is it that difficult to learn?" England started writing feverishly in his notes while Lithuania and Estonia sighed.

"No, dear Mattie." Ivan reassured his friend.

"Hey Hey! None of that short name stuff!" Alfred griped from across the room.

Ivan gave a soft 'kol'. "It is not especially hard. It is a hard sign. It means that the letter directly preceding it is given a harder sound."

"BULLSHIT!" Alfred jumped up. "That's not even a letter then? It's just some sign that makes other letters sound different? What's next, a soft sign?"

Ivan gave him a mock - astonished look. "So you did do your homework! Unfortunately you did not raise your hand this time, America. That's one detention for you."

Alfred's mouth dropped open. Gilbert was about to tease him when Ivan's warning glance silenced him.

"The next letter is like the 'i' in the word 'ill'."

**Ы**

"And this is the soft sign. It has the opposite effect of the hard sign."

**Ь**

"This one is pronounced like 'e' in 'pet'." He purred, looking fondly at Lithuania who tried to dissappear in his chair.

"So cute." Russia murmured.

**Э**

This time Arthur raised his hand. "Um..don't we have an 'e' already? Ye?"

Ivan shook his head. "That is 'E' not 'Э'. They are two different letters."

"Our last two letters are 'u' as in 'united' and 'ya' as in 'yard'."

**Ю**

**Я**

"So why is that R backwards? What is it with Russian and backwards letters? That's just like you to be messed up." Alfred mused.

"That's your second detention America." Russia commented in response.

"What? Damn it..."

England cocked his head to the side before raising his hand.

"Yes, England?" Russia called on him.

Clearing his throat, Arthur pointed at the board. "I realize that most of the Cyrillic alphabet was modeled off of the Latin alphabet. But I don't recall seeing anything like that letter - the second one from the bottom - in Latin at all."

Ivan nodded in thought. "Yes. Well, some sounds do not translate well. St. Cyrill had to invent a few new letters for our languages.Ю is one of those letters."

Gilbert stared at the letter. "It looks like a stick fish."

"What?" Ivan stared in complete surprise before looking back at it. "Really?"

"Stick-fish." England mumbled as he wrote the letter down, quickly followed by several other students while Ivan scratched his head.

"Stick-fish? I don't really...I don't know if..."

Shaking it off Ivan, heaved a relieved sigh. "And that is the entire Cyrillic alphabet my students. Let's go through it one more time!"

The class flinched, looking at the clock.

**А - Father**

**Б - Baltics**

**В - Veal**

**Г - Goal**

**Д - Da!**

**Е - Yekaterina**

**Ё - You're Crazy **

**Ж - Beige**

**З - Zoo**

**И - See**

**Й - Toy**_._

**К - Kitten **

**Л - Latvia **

**М - Murder **

**Н - Nightmare **

**О - Bones **

**П - Partition **

**Р - Russia **

**С - Snow**

**Т - Tap**

**У - Boot**

**Ф - Farm**

**Х - Loch**

**Ц - Cats**

**Ч - Chirp**

**Ш - Shut**

**Щ - Sheep**

**Ъ - Hard sign**

**Ы - Ill**

**Ь - Soft sign**

**Э - Pet**

**Ю - United**

**Я - Yard**

Breathing an appreciative breath at Ivan's brevity the assembled nations looked expectantly at their teacher who nodded.

"I think that's enough class for today so have a good evening! Next week we will learn your names in Russian!" Ivan smiled, violet eyes ominously wide and excited. "That way I can address you in my native tongue and you can respond."

Alfred didn't miss the shiver that went through half the class but for once kept his mouth shut. If he avoided detection he could slip out - pull a secret agent move like James Bond but cooler because he was the U.S. of freakin' A!

"America, I'll decide on your punishment next week."

Alfred hung his head, causing Arthur to pat him on the shoulder.

"I told you to be quiet. You never listen do you?"

"No." Alfred sniffed.

Detention with Russia? Suck...

* * *

**Authors note :**

Woot! We are hereby officially done with...the alphabet.

And yes, my Art 101 - Appreciation of Art book did have a fig. in there with England's eyebrows. o.O;

As a side note, attending my Russian final in freezing conditions did add to the 'authenticity' vibe - especially that whole below zero temperature thing.

*shakes fist*

_Winter..._

But yeah.

Stick-fish.


	15. Pizza Stalkers

FREEEDOOOM!"

Someone set off every firework in the states 'cause Alfred is _bustin' out_!

Good-bye strange language, farewell foreign culture!

Racing out the door Alfred could barely contain his excitement. So he might have detention with Russia sometime in the future : again, _**suck**_.

But for now, for this one glorious moment he was a free eagle again ready to strike at injustice - the hero was on the loose!

"Huh? Hawaii?"

The young woman stood with her hand on her hip, staring up the ramp at Alfred. Her long dark hair tied to one side with an elegantly carved flower comb seemed strangely in place despite the fact she was wearing a tie dyed t-shirt and baggy capris over her wetsuit.

"Hey, Nicki. Get a move on!" She called up to Alaska as he exited the mod building.

"HAWAII!" Alfred called joyously, racing forward with open arms only to get a hand to his face.

"Back off old man. What's with you getting all touchy feely today anyway?"

Alaska chuckled from behind Alfred as the nation let out a disappointed whimper. "I think he's just happy to not be locked in with Russia anymore." Hawaii moved her mouth in a silent 'oh.' "So you mean _Russia's_ teaching you two?"

With a heavy sigh Nikolai pulled Alfred out of swinging distance of Hawaii. "Yes. Somehow or another we got drafted into taking Russian 101."

"Man. That bites. So we still going out for pizza?"

"Sure."

Alfred sighed, trying to look forlorn. How could they ignore this face? How could they abandon those eyes? How could they - leave him standing with his mouth hanging open?

"They're...so cold..." He sniffed, England appearing to once again pat him mildly comfortingly on the shoulder. Arthur really couldn't blame them - America did have a talent for wearing on the nerves.

"Well, it can't really be helped can it Alfred?" Arthur began his speech, raising a bushy brow. "You _did_ buy Alaska from his father - and you annexed Hawaii without her permission. It'll take some time for those two to be on completely joyous terms with you."

Alfred shrugged, kicking at the ground. "I guess so. I mean, I really feel bad about that and all but I want to do something to show that I'm not that way anymore." For a rare moment Alfred showed a genuine look of remorse and Arthur couldn't help but feel a bit of pride at his former colony wanting to make things right with them.

"Give it time." England mused, thinking of his own relationship with the young nation. He realized that he might have to fudge the truth a bit if he didn't want Alfred to spend the rest of the day in a pity party. "When it's time, things will happen."

Alfred cheered up. "Yeah, you're right!" He poked a thumb back at himself. "After all, I eventually forgave you for being a stuffy old killjoy!"

England's eye twitched. "The bloody hell? I was just trying to console you - git!"

"Haha! I always heard you were a punk! Guess it's true!" Alfred laughed.

"Y-You - get back here!"

Canada sighed as the two raced in circles in the parking lot, Alfred laughing as he was hotly pursued by Arthur.

"Papa...Al...why are they always like this?"

Gilbert laughed. "Get him England!" Flashing a grin at Canada he patted Gil-bird who chirped enthusiastically. "That's just the way family's are. I haven't found one yet that's 'perfect'. I guess that's just their way of showing they care. I mean, I annoy the crap out of Ludwig on a daily basis."

"Because you care?" Matthew smiled.

Gilbert shrugged. "Huh? Yeah, I guess so?"

"You guess so?" Matthew replied incredulously. For a moment he thought Prussia was showing some consideration for his overworked sibling. "Oh...Kumaji, am I the only sane one here?"

The bear looked up from the plant he had been tasting and tilted his head. "Who?"

"Canada..."

Well, so his 'kids' weren't so thrilled with him. But what's a dad supposed to do?

"Hell, yeah! These binoculars are great Iggy!"

England sighed. How America had tricked him into a reconnaissance mission was beyond him. But here they were, crouched behind a hedgerow peeking out at the two as they sat under the colorful umbrellas of a local pizza parlor. "You realize just how mental this is of you Alfred?"

"Hey, I got the right to keep an eye on my kids!" Alfred countered.

Screwing up his face England sniffed, "You didn't see it that way when _I_ checked up on you."

Alfred returned the remark with a pout. "That was only because you were creepy about it."

"And hiding in the bushes watching them through binoculars isn't creepy at all, is it?"

"Hey! Their pizza's here!" America yelped, jostling his elder aside to get a better look.

"For the love of..." England sighed, leaning against the low brick wall topped with charmingly groomed greenery. He was getting a bit too old for this stuff. "I can't believe I'm stuck here spying, even if I am quite amazing at it."

"I feel the same way, England. You are so full of surprises, да?"

Nearly blowing their cover Arthur jumped back into Alfred who squeaked indignantly until he saw Russia looming over the both of them like something out of his almost-worst nightmares.

No one got to know what his worst was...

With a shiver America waved frantically, motioning for Russia to crouch - which he didn't.

"Are you looking for something America? Or do you make a habit of hiding in bushes with England?" Ivan inquired.

Arthur flushed bright red at the comment. "W-what? It's nothing like that!"

"Duh!" Alfred chimed in. "Hiding behind a wall and ducking around in bushes are totally different!"

For a rare moment Arthur wondered why whatever being was responsible for crafting nations didn't see fit to give Alfred even a shred of common sense.

"Anyway -" America charged on, oblivious shielding to maximum. "- what are you doing here! And crouch down before they see you!"

Russia looked over at the seated youths. "Me? Oh. I'm stalking Коля." The nation gave a blushing smile. "He's so darling."

"Wha-" America yelped before England gagged him, hissing mild curses in his ear. The Englishman gave Ivan an appraising look, as if not sure what to make of him._ He makes no excuses for it does he? Just lets all the world know then._

Pinching Arthur until the man relented and let him go, Alfred continued; "Why the hell are you stalking _my_ Nicki?"

"I told you I am stalking my Коля." Ivan corrected the red-in-the-face nation who only seemed to grow angrier. Ivan wondered if he'd been unclear, Alfred could be a little dense someti- all the time.

"You know. My son?"

Alfred growled. "I _know_ who Nicki is! And stop standing there talking! He's gonna see you!"

Ivan looked back out over the crowd, waving when Nikolai noticed him and put his head in his hands, looking mildly distressed. Focusing on the two countries on the floor he giggled. "He says hello."

"H-he knows you're stalking him?" Arthur stammered in astonishment. "And he hasn't gone insane or tried to punch your or scream about you invading his space?"

"Well...he did at first. But now he doesn't. I watch him all the time." Ivan nodded to himself. "I can see him from home so it makes it easy on me."

Alfred finally jumped up. "Wait! The hell? How long have you -."

"Please Alfred." Ivan quieted him gently. "Please, let's sit and talk. If you yell like your normal idiot self you may make Коля uncomfortable."  
Glancing over to see Alaska with his head on the table and Hawaii glaring daggers in his direction Alfred agreed.

In their little corner booth the three countries sat.

England tugged at his tie and looked nervously for an exit.

America sat with his eyes firmly fixed on Russia.

Russia hummed and looked over the menu, only occasionally checking up on Alaska from across the patio.

"You're sure looking over there a lot." Alfred grumbled. It was Russia's fault that Nicky had found out he was...following...him. If he hadn't screwed it up Hawaii wouldn't be mad-er at him than she normally was! Look at her, all cute and angry. Aww...he could never stay mad at that pouting face...

But that freaking Russia!

Ivan looked up from the menu and with one final glance at Alaska focused his attention on the two nations crammed into the booth opposite of him. They looked so uncomfortable, but he felt it unlikely that either of them would want to share his side so he didn't bother to offer.

"Of course I keep a good eye on Коля." Ivan answered calmly, sipping his tea. "He's the only one who can escape after all."

Both America and England glanced fleetingly at each other.

"Um." England started, hoping to beat America to the question - heaven only knows how the loudmouth would ask if given the chance. "You said, escape? What do you mean?"

"I mean what I said England." Ivan continued. "I have had many entities stay at my home. You are no doubt familiar with the many nations who have stayed with me at one time or another." Russia gave a slight smile. "My house was very full for a while there! But before all that was Аляска. He's the only one who escapes me ."

"You said that already!" America groaned, short attention span kicking in. "Get on with it!"

Ivan growled but replied. "I can't make it any plainer _Amerika_ -" Alfred growled back at the stress on his name but stayed quiet, curiosity piqued.

"Many attempt to leave and I retrieve them. This has happened many times. And likewise, other nations have taken me into their domains and I have fled them. Such is the dance of nations like ourselves. But Коля...he is different."

At this Russia glanced over at the young state again, violet eyes gentle but troubled. "He is a part of me. That...I have never had before. He is not unlike my sisters who share my origin but are separate from me. Аляска is family. He was my colony." Pausing. He looked back at the two across from him, his eyes momentarily lingering on England's. "You understand?"

Turning away, Arthur sighed.

Alfred shook his head, not getting it.

"So you see. Аляска is the only one who can successfully escape me, because he is made from a part of me." Glancing over again he chuckled. "Just like that."

America looked over at where Nikolai should have been.

Should have been but wasn't.

Wasn't.

"HOLY FREAKING CRAP!"

Ivan sighed warmly to himself. "Ah~ my little Коля. You never grow old!"

* * *

**Authors Note: **

Ha! Ninja.

Go Alaska with your mad disappearing skillz.

I appreciate everyone's support! I know I say it so many times but still! You guys are so freaking cool!

P.S.

I can't believe this has over 200 reviews and over 30,000 hits! Dude! That's awesome.

Word Bank

Аляска - Alaska

Коля - Kolya ( pet name for Nikolai )

да - da. Yes. In Ivan it sometimes takes the form of a verbal tic. Not often though.

Now that you guys know these words...I won't be giving the definitions for 'em again.

Stay tuned for next chapter!

You'll get to see where Alaska and Hawaii disappeared to.


	16. Little Water

Nikolai stared pensively at the door of his hotel room.

He hadn't been nervous...until now.

"Dude?" Hawaii laughed, swiping the key from his hand. "What's up with that look on your face?" Not thinking twice the young woman opened the electronic lock and led her somewhat tense friend in by the hand, causing a gentle blush to cross his face.

"Um...okay..." He whispered softly.

Nikolai wouldn't really admit it openly, but he really respected his fellow state.

Or rather, ex-nation.

He liked her.

A lot.

Which is why now, at the sight of the young woman leading him around a fancy hotel room ( paid for by Alfred ) by the hand , he had started to get a little funny feeling in his chest.

He wasn't sure what it was, but for some strange reason he wanted to hug Hawaii.

And never let her go.

Ever...

Shaking off the obviously insane thoughts he cleared his head as she led him to the couch where his game system was already hooked up and with a short order for him to "stop zoning out on her" she bounded off to complete her next two important tasks - call for pizza and crank up the thermastat because she was _absolutely freezing_!

Nikolai obediently set up their normal fare - Soul Caliber.

_At least I can play against her without her chucking the controller at my head when she loses..._ Nikolai mused with a smile, remembering the painful consequences of beating Alfred at his own game. The man really was a child sometimes...

As the heater kicked on Nikolai groaned softly.

He had kind of wanted to take his jacket off - now he'd have to keep it on...

"Uh...Leilani? I kind of...well..."

"What?" The young woman asked, peeking around the corner of the kitchen. After a moment she walked back toward the living room. "I ordered our usual, okay!"

Nikolai nodded. "Sounds great...seeing as we didn't get to eat on account of international interference."

Hawaii sighed. "Yeah. I don't remember being so annoying a country as those guys!"

Giving her a serious look Nicki ventured a question. "Do you hate Alfred?"

Plopping onto the floor next to him the woman shook her head, causing her dark black hair to ripple. "No. I just haven't forgiven him yet."

"I see."

"So." She leaned in, causing a bit of a possessive - no - _nervous_ ( that was it!) flutter to run through the male state. "What's your deal today? You seem cagier than normal."

Alaska sighed, leaning back against the couch as he absently watched the main screen of the game play itself endlessly.

"It's been kind of...weird...with America and Russia lately. Diplomatic relations and all."

"Yeah." Hawaii nodded, knowing the situation well. "That's a good thing though. How weird can it be?"

"Well..."

_**Alfred's House - night of the infamous 'dinner'.**_

It had been the ringing of Canada's cell-phone that had started the true descent into some un-named pit of hell.

"Oh...WHAT? Don't do anything - I'll be right there!"

As the phone clacked closed Matthew stood, apologetic as Kumajiiro milled at his feet - wanting to know what the fuss was about and if it involved him being fed.

"I'm so sorry! I have to go - government stuff! But I really appreciate everything!"

"What are you saying Mattie?" Alfred laughed as he rose ( awkwardly with the cast and all) to his feet. "You came to cheer me up! I should be thanking you!"

"Well..." Matthew blushed before remembering he had an emergency on his hands. "I need to go! Kumakika!"

"Who?"

"No time!" Canada urged, violet eyes a bit frantic as he raced to the front room - Russia and a bit further back Alfred - hot on his heels. In a flash he had his coat and with one last apology the nation set out into the night.

Outside the door Canada smiled, looking at the screen where his boss had left a message.

"I'm so glad he got my text."

With a final glance at the house he sighed.

"I wonder if Ivan will be okay?"

Then Canada gave a shrug. Of course his friend would be okay - Ivan could be a really nice guy if given the chance!

Confident in his decision Matthew left for home.

Alaska could have screamed.

"W-well...I best get going too!" He stammered, making for the coat rack.

Only his coat wasn't there.

"Oh. Well, you can't leave without your coat, da?" Ivan pointed out not-helpfully.

After a quick pat-down confirmed that his keys were AWOL Alaska felt the little bit of hope that had blossomed wither and die in his chest.

_Of course. Of course Russia would take his coat so he couldn't leave..._

"Such a shame! I wonder where it is?" Ivan spoke aloud, his smile quite obviously betraying the fact that he knew darn well where the coat had disappeared to.

Alfred jumped on the situation. "Well Nicki can stay here so I'll see ya later! Okay, thanks, bye!"

"Hold on." Russia wondered with amusement, stopping America in his desperate efforts to bodily move the impossibly big nation to the door. "And why am I going again?"

"Cause dinner's over!" Alfred gasped from the exertion - despite not moving Russia a _freaking inch_! "Me and Nicky need to get rest so we can do nation - state stuff tomorrow!"

"Aah!" Ivan exclaimed. "So you wouldn't be interested in a drink?"

Nikolai froze as he stared back at the two nations.

Part of him hoped that Alfred would be smart enough to know it was a ploy - a trick.

And the other part knew there was no freaking way Alfred F. Jones was that...astute.

"Ha!" Alfred pointed. "I knew you bought liquor!"

Russia looked at him like he had suddenly claimed the sky was yellow.

"Pardon? No. I did not buy liquor - at least not in your country. I don't think even I am so brave as to purchase something like that here."

"Say wha-?"

"I brought some from home." Ivan stated quietly. "So, would you like to try some?"

_Say no say no, just say no!_ Nikolai chanted, trying to think of some way to warn off the inevitable.

Alfred paused.

He remembered something from long ago...back when Lithuania was working in his house.

Something about booze...and Russia...and them drinking together...and stuff...

Alfred remembered laughing. Weird cause he also remembered that Liet didn't.

Weird. Definitly.

But if drinking with Russia was a bad thing then Toris would have warned him against it in very plain, specific terms with no margin for misunderstanding. So he must be good to go!

"Sure thing!"

Nikolai sighed. "And now...I know this night can get worse..."

Alfred stared at it.

Now, the land of the free – home of the brave wasn't exactly a big drinker. That's not to say that he didn't hit the bars (usually with Iggy) every once in a blue moon.

But that little glass in front of him was absolutely the most terrifying thing he'd seen since the time Kiku had-

Ahem…let's not dwell on such unfortunate memories.

But back to the Vodka.

"Is this a joke?" Alfred asked, poking at the glass that sat innocently in front of him. He lifted it up, swirling the liquid just a bit.

"Looks like water. You sure this has alcohol in it?"

Ivan paused, a near deadly serious look on his face. Alfred wished he'd had a camera – seriously, the expression he had now was kind of funny.

"It does indeed have Alcohol in it."

"Doesn't look like it."

Wondering if the nose really does 'know' best Alfred gingerly brought the glass to his face and sniffed.

He sniffed.

"What the-"

Concentrating, he tried one last time and then finally caught the unmistakable wiff of booze. He lowered the glace, thought for a moment and then stared at the two men across from him.

Alaska was laughing and doing a poor job of hiding it while Ivan simply locked gazes with him and smiled.

"You're trying to pull a fast one on me arent' you." Alfred accused. "I'll grant there may be some vodka in this, but this isn't straight liquor."

"It is." Alaska sighed at his nations hyperactive imagination.

"I couldn't even smell anything until it was right under my nose!"

Ivan gave a slightly amused chuckle as well. "You saw me pour it, Alfred."

"Doesn't mean you didn't mess with it earlier."  
Both America and Alaska tensed with nervous glances at Russia who kicked his pipe under the table, causing it to scrape the tile ominously.

As they moved back out of range Ivan's posture relaxed and he smiled.

"I would not resort to such tricks – especially not considering who I am drinking with." Ivan shifted his gaze to Nikolai for a moment. Turning to Alfred he motioned to the glass.

"Please. Try before you make assumptions, da?"

With one last look at Alaska ( surely he wouldn't let anything happen to his old man, right? Right?) Alfred took a sip.

There was a sharp bite to it at first and Alfred found himself instinctively starting to gasp – the way he did when the whiskey had been poured a little stronger than he expected. But it seemed like the moment he opened his mouth the sharpness was gone, fading into a nice mellowness that eventually drifted away. There wasn't really an aftertaste – but in its place a welcome warm feeling wound its way toward his stomach, heating him like his gut had it's own personal space heater.

"Oh."

Honestly after hearing all the rumors he had started to get nervous. He'd had some strong stuff before and had gotten the wind kicked right out of him. But this seemed hardly stronger than the water it resembled so much.

In fact, the only lasting indication he'd had alcohol at all was a lingering warmth in his belly.

"That's vodka?" Alfred laughed out loud. "Really? I was all worried about this notorious drink that was supposed to be like so strong but that wasn't that bad! Pretty good, in my opinion."

Ivan gave a pleased grin, nodding.

"I am glad, Alfred." Then for a moment his grin slackened. "However; as smooth as this particular brand is please do not be deceived. This is vodka after all."  
"Yeah? What's the proof?"

"80"

For a moment Alfred paused. He'd had rum less than half that and it had burned like all hell. Convincing himself that despite his assurances Ivan must have watered down the booze America shrugged before leaning back with a confident grin.

He could do this aaaalllll night. This wouldn't be so tough after all!

Next thing anyone knew Alfred's hand was on the bottle, ready to pour himself another round.

"Wait!" Nikolai snatched the vodka away, then smiled nervously at Russia's questioning gaze and Alfred's outright confusion.

"Uh…it's only right for someone else to pour for you." He explained quickly.

Alfred gave a complacent shrug. "Okay, sure. Lay it on me."

_Thank goodness._ Nikolas breathed a sigh of relief. Knowing the impulsive nation he'd end up pouring more than he could handle – the look on Alfred's face clearly telling him he didn't realize how strong this could be if you weren't paying attention to what you were doing.

Intending to only fill Alfred's glass as full as he could get away with his plan was suddenly and crushingly derailed by Russia in the next instant.

"No need to be so reserved, Kolya. As guests we should offer our best, da?"

Translation: fill the glass…._all of it._

With a slight wilting smile, Nikolas complied.

_Sorry America…I tried for your own sake._

"Alright!" Alfred cheered, not realizing a miniature battle of wills had just taken place.

Raising his glass with a hearty grin he looked over his – now close to favorite – state and his long time frenemy and offered up a toast.

"To you two!"

He received two slightly surprised looks and nodded in acknowledgment.

"Ya know…I haven't seen Mattie that happy in a long time." Casting his gaze at Ivan he paused.

"I know this might sound not quite right with us drinking together and all – but I'm still not sure if I trust you or not. But-" He gave a reassuring grin. "I know that you're, like, one of Mattie's closest friends. And he trusts you plenty. So I guess you can't be half bad. Maybe 30 – 40ish. But not quite half. So more good than bad I suppose."

"A wonderful toast." Alaska responded, actually quite proud of his nation for finally growing up a bit. Glancing over at Russia he saw an honest smile had found its way onto his face.

Alaska noted, He even looked a little teary there for a second…

He sighed with a side-ways look at the bottle before returning his attention to Alfred.

They weren't even one shot in yet and things were already loosening up quite a bit. And if his long history with Russia had taught him anything it was this-

Ivan wasn't the one he'd have to worry about tonight…

* * *

**Authors Note:**

And so it begins...or rather...continues.

I guess...

AH~ 30 Chapters!

*kese!*

Thanks for keeping on keeping on! I'll get on the next chapter as soon as I can!


	17. Couch wars

Hawaii blinked.

"No way. You're telling me he didn't even realize how strong vodka is? Hell, I can't even touch the stuff! Way too out there for me."

Nikolai nodded. "That man is totally clueless sometimes. But to make a long story short, we sat in the kitchen and drank for a while – pretty tame actually for the first hour or so. But sometime around 2 am Alfred remembered a show he had recorded and figured it was time to settle some sort of disagreement that Russia and him had gotten into earlier." Leaning back against the couch Alaska gave a heavy sigh. "I should have broken the stupid TiVo."

A knock at the door signaled the arrival of food – which Hawaii was all too happy to take care of. Bringing a roll of paper towels and a bottle of soda stacked on top of the box she bounded over and joyfully started digging in to the pizza. Nikolai grabbed a slice for himself. "You know, the first time I showed this to Alfred he said it was an abomination of American food culture and should be thrown in a volcano."

Leilani gave a huff. "I'd like to see him try! This stuff is great! Looks like he got that English guy's lack of taste!"

"Well, not everyone is fond of pineapples, ham and anchovies on pizza."

"Can't imagine why not..." The tropical state pouted before taking a hearty bite. She elbowed Alaska, urging him wordlessly to continue his story.

He nodded. "Well. After that we all ended up in the living room to watch some sort of show – I knew it was going to be trouble the second I saw the title. Like I said, I should have broken the TiVo..."

"HAAAA~~~"

Alfred fell backwards onto the couch. Then giggled.

A few paces behind him Ivan gave an amused chuckle, seemingly invincible to the vodka's coordination screwing powers. An imunity which Nikolai himself shared to some extent and an immunity that Alfred didn't have in the least.

He was more like England in that sense...

Sitting upside down on his unnecessarily plush sofa, Alfred fumbled for the remote. "Ye. Cangi me-"

"What the hell are you even trying to say?" Nikolai demanded, eye twitching.

Alfred pointed at the remote. "Fighting...thing."

_Fighting thing?_

Dutifully, Alaska turned on the television and started looking through the saved shows for anything that might be a 'fighting thing.'

_Yeah, Great way to narrow it down dad. It's not like you don't have a crap-ton of things that could be 'fighting things' on here._

Boxing

Soccer

World Championships

X-Files

Desperate Housewives

Alaska stared at Alfred who waved him on.

American Gladiator

Futurama

Brazilian Mud Wrestling

Both Russia and Alaska stared at Alfred who waved with a giggle. "Not that one...keep going." When one of the shows highlighted made Alfred flail spazmatically Alaska clicked it. Russia took a seat next to the upside down Alfred on the couch. Looking over at his thoroughly drunken host the nation felt a bit intrigued. It had been a while since America had been so relaxed in his presence. He hadn't called him 'evil' or 'commie' in over a half hour! It was a good sign~

And as long as Russia wasn't at home he didn't have to worry about...visitors.

Visitors that broke doors and demanded that he _marry_ them.

Ivan shuddered a bit as Nikolai took his own seat on the couch, parking himself on the other side of the inverted Alfred. In front of them, the screen lit up with an impressive display of explosions. Then came the over dramatic narrator– doing his best to pump up excitement for the next episode of...

"Deadliest Warrior?"

"Oh. This was the show from earlier, да?" Ivan perked up, eyes growing wide.

The opening sequence was dynamic – showcasing the stealthy moves and timeless tactics of a squad of Green Berets and Spetsnaz troops and announcing that they would find out which was the deadliest warrior.

"FUCKING YEAH! GO BOYS! KICK SOME ASS!"

Nikolai felt a few centuries drain off his life. The ominous glint in Ivan's eyes did nothing but increase his anxiety. "Uh...Alfred, calm down. It's just a show right?"

The narrator blazed on, announcing that they would be bringing actual Green Beret's and Spetsnaz agents in to test their skill and ability and that this would be done with data and computer models to get the best results. Meaning that whoever won would get bragging rights for all time. Nikolai put his head in his hands.

_Great. Because this doesn't have any potential to start the cold war back up again... _

"Don't l...look soo down Nicki!" Alfred slurred, finally trying to right himself on the couch. He failed and smacked his head into the table before Alaska and Russia helped him. "Our guys'll totally beat his sp..spet..."

"спецназ. Do you understand?" Ivan asked.

"W...wa..."

"**С П Е Ц Н А З** "

"I'm toooo...drunk for that shit..." Alfred frowned. "By the way...your guys suck. My boys RULE!"

At this he gave a wild fist pump, nearly hitting both guests in the face. Nikolai simply sighed but the look on Ivans face took an ominous hint despite his smile.

"Над спецназом не издевайся."

"SUUUUUCK!"

The trio missed the next five minutes of the program due to the ensuing fight that Alfred would have lost horribly if his flustered state hadn't intervened.

"See?" Alfred pointed out, now somewhat sober as his hero-metabolism kicked in. "Look at that training! You got nothing that can beat – OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO YOUR TROOPS!"

"Did you miss the explanation? I suppose so from that stun-"

"NO! Seriously that's some sort of human rights – THE HELL?"

Alfred pointed at the screen, eyes wide in horror as he turned to Ivan. "I...I need mind soap after that!"

"You should pay more attention." Ivan noted, not particularly phased by the explanations of what 'normal' training was like for his special forces. "You see, it's all about mentality."

"I know that!" Alfred griped, struggling to sit up in a normal position so he could use his hero pose more effectively.

Priorities, dude.

"That's why we train our Green Beret's minds. But damn man! They don't really...I mean...you don't make them go through _that_ do you?"

"You don't?" Ivan responded with mock surprise, causing Alfred to growl under his breath. "No. I'm not _sadistic_."

"Watch it, **Америка**_._ I have not resorted to calling your idiot self the numerous foul names that most certainly apply to you."

"W-you just dissed me! Oh! It's on like DONKEY KONG NOW!"

"BOTH OF YOU!" Alaska growled, separating the two by jumping between them. For a moment the sharpness of his voice caught them both by surprise and they looked at him wide-eyed and stunned. "Get over yourselves! Now act right or I turn it off and you just have to guess who wins!"

"NICKY~~~!" Alfred whined.

Not cool! How could his kid do this to him?

Wait. He couldn't!

"Hey! I'm the dad! You can't take my show away!"

Ivan glowered a bit but nodded. "We are watching this to settle an accord. Please do not interfere Коля."

"You know, I think I've decided to not let you guys destroy each other – and the house in the process! We're not watching it! You want to find out what happens, go online!"

For a moment the two held their tongues, passing quick looks back and forth.

"GET OFF DAMMIT! ASSHOLES!"

Nikolai hit the floor with a thud, looking up just in time to see Alfreds hobbling form hurrying away and Ivans apologetic ( almost ) face as they locked him in his room. After staring helplessly at the door for a moment Alaska pulled out his phone and hit speed-dial. Within a few lonely rings he (barely ) heard a familiar and soothing voice.

"Hello? Canada here."

"You _**suck**_."

* * *

**Authors note:**

A little slow this one in my opinion – I like the next one better!

Mwahahahaha!

Word Bank

Америка – America

спецназ – Spetsnaz ( Russian special forces )


	18. Snow

Leilani could only stare with an expression best described by the term, 'WTF?'

"What the fuck?" She finally barked out. "They locked you in your room because they wanted to fight each other over a stupid show?"

"That's about right." Nikolai sighed deeply, taking a bite of his cooling pizza. His friend had already finished hers as she listened to his tale of woe. Now she had a few words of her own to say.

"I seriously can't believe that guy! He's still a kid alright!" She crossed her arms, frustrated. "Man! That just - "

Alaska suddenly put a hand over her mouth. For a moment she sputtered, trying to move back but found it nearly impossible to move once Nikolai had pulled her in to a tight embrace. A wild blush spread across her cheeks.

Jeez, it had been decades or longer since she'd been held so close by a guy...

Settling into the unexpected warmth she let a smile cross her face. Was he finally bold enough to make a move? Strange, the conversation they'd been having didn't really lead into it. Maybe he was just a little weird like that? But instead of a loving caress she was startled by Nikolai's sudden movement as he lifted her from the ground and bolted with her in arm to a nearby closet, shutting them in.

Now unexpectedly pressed between Nikolai's ( quite muscular she must say ) body and the closet wall she was relieved that in the darkness he couldn't see the look on her face.

_Okay. Definitely a bit of a freak like that. But I'm up for anything so..._

"Keep quiet." Alaska whispered, his mouth by her ear. "Don't make a sound – don't even breath."

His warm breath on the side of her neck made her want to giggle. But instead of Hawaii feeling the temperature rise it suddenly nosedived, the closet turning into an icebox.

Alaska stifled a growl._ How does he keep finding me?_

In the silence they both heard the faint voice.

"_Аляска..." _

America kicked at the ground, following Russia a bit disagreeably. Noticing, Russia's smile grew.

"You can't escape detention forever, Amerika."

"Stop it."

Stopping so suddenly Alfred almost ran into his back, Ivan turned to stare at his 'student'. "Alfred."

"Knock it off."

Ivan gave an annoyed sigh. "If I'm not allowed to refer to you as 'Amerika', or as 'Alfred' what can I call you that would be appropriate?"

Crossing his arms Alfred looked to the sky in thought. "Hm..." He snapped his fingers. "Got it! Call me Super-fly Hero Jones."

"No."

Alfred sagged. "Why not? It's awesome!"

Now it was Russia's turn to pantomime thinking. "Well...if you really want that name I suppose I could humor you."

"You're a pal!"

"Call me by my first name."

"Say wha?"

Ivan chuckled. "да! Call me by my first name, then I will call you by ...uh...your chosen name."

Alfred narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Just your first name?"

Russia nodded, a wide smile on his face. Alfred scratched his head. Such a little thing like that really looked like it might make Russia happy after all and that was a – good – thing. Good thing. Jeez, he really had to force himself to think that phrase without flying into an awesome democracy rage there.

Coming to the conclusion that there was no harm in it Alfred grinned back with his winning totally photographic smile. "Sure thing Ivan!"

Ivan sighed.

"Whaaaaaaat?" Alfred whined, wanting to know why the Russian had deflated all of a sudden.

"That is not my name, Amerika."

Ignoring his title Alfred frowned. "Yeah it is. Did you catch amnesia or something?"

Russia stared at his companion. He wanted to point out that amnesia was not contagious but suppressed the thought as he reasoned it could be used for blackmail later.

"No. My name is not 'EYEVAN' as you so tastelessly pronounce it. I'm sure it is not your fault however as you did steal your language wholesale from England – though at least he has the courtesy to remember my name properly even if we are not on the friendliest of terms."

Alfred stared incredulously. "Your name's not Ivan?"

"Not the way _you_ pronounce it."

"Then how the hell do you say it?"

Somewhere deep in his semi-detachable heart Russia died a little. Walking over to a storefront he began to breath on the glass before tracing letters with his finger. "In my language this is how my name is spelled, Amerika."

Alfred examined the letters.

И В А Н

"So how would you pronounce this in Russian?" The taller man prodded, violet eyes hopeful.

"Uh.. 'EE'. That's not a 'Be' its a 'Ve'. Hm...Then 'Ah' and...'N'?"

The look on Ivan's face could only be described as pure glee. "Yes! Put it together, Amerika!"

"_Иван~" _

Russia gave a soft squeak – like a small creature being frightened. Straightening suddenly he stared at America – or more accurately something _behind _America.

"That is all for today Alfred! I'll continue your detention some other time да? До свидания!"

In a heartbeat Russia was running away like his life depended on it. After a moment of staring in shock Alfred laughed. He'd never seen someone that big move so fast! That _and_ he was out of detention! SCORE! As he wiped the tears from his eyes he turned around to see what had scared the frost bear so bad. _Must have been Belarus from the way he was hauling! _Alfred mused.

"Hey, great timing babe! I was waiting for you to come and save me!"

But as he opened his big blue eyes to thank his 'savior' a huge pillar of a man stood in his line of sight – roiling clouds back-lighting his form against and increasingly ominous sky. The air turned frigid – cold enough to make the nation gasp with shock. Snow swirled around the strange man as he raised his sword, light glinting off of his spiked helmet and dark eyes focused on the suddenly _terrified out of his mind _American in front of him.

"_**АМЕРИКА!" **_

"HOLY SHI-"

"_And in the news today a massive blizzard has buried nearly 30 states in snow! On the screen we have a picture from NASA of the storm as seen from space and as you can see it covers well over half of the contiguous United States. Along with the storm are reports of thunder snow – can you believe that? Officials are advising people to stay indoors until the worst of this blizzard is over -"_

America's teeth chattered as he hammered yet another two x four into the frame of his door which rattled violently with each slamming blow from Winter outside.

"This is totally messed up! RUSSIA! IVAN! _Whatever_ the hell your name is get over here and SAVE ME!"

* * *

**Authors Note:**

And thus, 'Snowmageddon' came to be.

Also known as 'Snowpacalypse', 'Snowbliteration', and 'SNOMFG' among others.

I was out of work four days because of that snow and out of school for three. It would have been awesome but now we're playing 'catch up' in all my classes.

Grumble...

P.S.

I dare you to search for 'Blizzard 2011 from space'. Do it. And imagine me sitting under there in a world of suck.

~falls~

Word Bank

До свидания - goodbye

Америка – America

Thanks once again for putting up with my unpredictable updates. I try to regulate them but...winter...and school...and...not good times. ~sigh.


	19. Names

With a sniffle and a sneeze America wandered his way into the classroom. After taking a slurp of his soda he spared a moment to glare at his instructor.

"You know you suck right? Sicking your ice dude on me – so not cool."

Ivan looked up, a blank look crossing his face. "I did not make anyone sick. And I do not have an ice 'dude'."

Alfred scoffed. "Then who the hell was that guy that just buried me in like ten feet of snow? And why the hell was he after Nicki too? Did you get in trouble with the mafia or something cause if you got me dear sweet little baby boy involved I'll - "

A foot quickly found the small of his back, sending him quite ungracefully into his desk.

"I'm not your baby boy." Nicki growled, his foul mood showing.

"Oww~~~ how can you be so cruel to me?"

"Shut it. You sound like France." Arthur commented as he entered the small room, heading immediately to his seat.

Alfred jumped up – a bit scandalized as to be compared to anyone else – he was original! The one on only!

"I am AMERICA!"

"What you _are_ is obnoxious. Sit down."

"Seriously, what's with the stick up every-ones ass?" Alfred pouted, taking a seat between Arthur and Nikolai – causing the former to breath a sigh of relief.

"Don't be vulgar." Arthur admonished him, furrowing his substantial brows.

America stared at the moving caterpillars for a moment. It was almost as if some day they might come to life and crawl away, leaving bushy brows with none at all...

"Did you even hear a word I said?"

Alfred stared blankly at Arthur who had a genuinely frustrated look. "Lol, wut?"

"Come here!"

Prussia popped his head in the door just in time to cheer England on as the elder nation forced his rogue former-colony into a vicious headlock.

"Please don't encourage them." Canada pleaded.

No one heard – not even Gilbert who was too busy taking bets to mind.

Some time later Russia managed to wrangle control of the class once again – placing everyone in a half-moon around his desk. (seeing as it was a small class and all) With a pleased smile he addressed the class.

"Здравствуйте! Меня зовут Иван. Как вас зовут?"

He was met by a plethora of blank stares – the only ones seeming to comprehend being Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Alaska, and Prussia – who gave a coughing laugh at the incomprehensible looks on the rest of his classmates faces.

"Whoa there!" Alfred leaned back, looking startled. "Not so fast out of the gate! I only understood the first part of that. Oh, and was that your name? That sounded totally weird."

Ivan nodded. "That is my name, but it does not sound weird. That's how it is pronounced."

"EE-VON? Isn't that a girls name?"

Russia laughed. "How ridiculous! Does it look like a girls name?"

"Wha-?" Alfred puzzled. "How can a name look like a girl or boy?"

Moving to the board Ivan took a few moments to write his name and once he was done he pointed to the last letter. 'н' "See? Boys name."

Matthew, Alfred, and Arthur stared blankly.

"I totally don't see the connection dude." Alfred finally admitted.

Arthur raised his hand. "Is there some sort of method? Wait – Russian wouldn't happen to be a gendered language would it?"

"да."

With a heavy groan Arthur sank back into his chair. "I suspected as much. Well that puts a damper on things doesn't it?"

"Gendered language?" Alfred wondered, scrunching up his face. "Like there's a different language for boys and girls? Japan told me he had something like that once. Man...this is going to be a pain in the ass!"

"No, idiot." Gilbert grumbled, leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up on his desk. "A gendered language. Like German – or Spanish or French or pretty much any European language other than the one you speak."

Matthew made a soft. "Oh." As he scooted closer to his odd friend. "So the words all have different gender then? I'm familiar with that system."

At that the Canadian sighed. "I remember how hard it is to learn."

After a moment of listening to his students discuss amongst themselves Ivan tilted his head to the side – a bit confused.

"It is hard? I don't understand how. It is really very simple. If it ends with 'А' or 'Я' it is feminine – if it ends with a consonant or 'И' it is masculine and if it ends with 'Е' or 'О' it is neuter. Of course there are some contextual exceptions but other than that..."

"You mean you can tell by the ending?" Gilbert mouthed, a bit impressed. Why hadn't he thought of that? Man...

Oh well. German was still the most Awesome language ever spoken by man.

Ivan nodded enthusiastically. "да! It is all in the ending. It is very important for us Russians to know exactly what gender a word is because you have to change your verb ending to match it."

"Say what?" Gilbert asked, a little unbelieving. "Aw crap. I knew there was a catch."

"Wait!" America yelped, putting down his coke. "Change the ve-whatever to match a word? Uh...how the hell do you do that? I mean, wouldn't it like change the word itself?"

"No. Just the ending of the word that describes it. But that is for another day." Russia firmly stated, bringing an abrupt end to the conversation. "Right now I want you to figure out what I said to you at the start of class. Interpret what I am saying." After a pause Ivan nodded. "Здравствуйте! Меня зовут Иван. Как вас зовут?"

"Uh..." Latvia raised his hand after a moment of befuddled silence. "You're saying hello and that your name is Ivan. You want to know what our names are."  
Ivan beamed at him. Очень хорошо — Латвия! I am so glad to see you have not forgotten what I taught you!"

At this Latvia lowered his hand and mumbled. "How could I forget? You practically beat it into me!"

"So does anyone know how to respond?" Ivan wondered, looking squarely at Lithuania who was doing his best to pretend he was so busy taking notes that he didn't notice – until Russia leaned on his desk. Jerkily looking up with a frightened smile on his face Toris nodded.

"Um...Me?"

Ivan nodded. Toris sighed.

"З-здравствуйте. Меня зовут...Торис. О-очень приятно."

The larger nation nearly squeeled with delight. Looking over his students he motioned to Toris. "That is exactly right! What he said was 'Hello. My name is Toris. Pleased to meet you.' His Russian is very good, I wonder who his teacher was?" Ivan teased, causing Lithuania to pale a bit.

He had promised himself he'd forget all the Russian he'd learned living with Ivan once he was free...

"Okay." Ivan continued, a bit oblivious to the discomfort he was causing the three Baltics. "You all studied the cyrillic alphabet. So now it is time to put it to use! We will write out each of your names in Russian and -"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-"

**WHACK**

"OW! Jerk!"

Russia gave America a tightly controlled smile. "Please do not speak out of turn. And that is another detention for insulting your teacher."

"SUCK!"

"Keep digging Alfred." Matthew whispered, causing Gilbert to chuckle in agreement.

This time Alfred shook his head – unwilling to back down. "No. You're not writing my gloriously patriotic name in your Russian letters. I don't mind speaking your language but I will NOT assimilate into your axis of evil."

"You are aware I am no longer Communist?"

"Don't try to fool me with your bolshevik lies!"

"_**Kolkolkolkolkolkol-**__"_

"Maybe we can do country names instead?" Canada suggested – and for once his voice was heard.

Grudgingly ( and with a few more smacks on the noggin – this time from England ) Alfred agreed to allow the mild disgracing of his glorious national name instead of the complete disgracing of his more glorious personal one. To speed things along Ivan decided it might be best to write the names on the board and have each nation write down their titles in cyrillic.

"Lithuania!"

The man sighed. Of course he'd be first...

Russia grinned happily at the smaller man. "In Russian, Little Lithuania's name is pronounced 'Litva'. It is spelled like this."

**Литва **

"Hold on." Arthur interrupted, hand shooting into the air. "That's his actual country name in Russian?"

"дa? What did you think it was?"

"Well personally I thought it was a creepy pet name you gave him back in your Soviet days. Bit of a relief to find out that's actually how it's said officially." With that Arthur went back to writing – sparing himself the sight of Russia's glare.

"And as for you, _England_. Your name is pronounced, 'Soyedinyonnoye Corolyevstvo Vyelicobritanii I Syevyernoi Irlandii."

Arthurs head shot back up in indignation. "You're off your trolley! Why on earth would you make such an impossibly long name?"

Russia smirked. "But this is the _direct translation_. I suspect you'll have no trouble memorizing it."

**Соединённое Королевство Великобритании и Северной Ирландии **

As Arthur returned to his writing – now grumbling furiously under his breath – Ivan moved onto his next student.

"Alaska." Ivan giggled. "You know how to speak your name already. America, your name -"

"Yeah yeah. Pronounced, Amerika right? So how's it spelled?"

Russia thoughtfully tapped the board. "Actually, your name is pronounced, 'Soyedinyonnilye Stati Amyeriki."

"Say what?"

**Соединённые Штаты Америки **

Alfred slammed his pen down. "Not cool!"

"Put a sock in it. Mine is still longer than yours is." Arthur grumbled.

Russia paused. "If it is too long for your brain to handle America then you may use your abbreviation."

America breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, yeah. Let's definitely use that."

"Alright. С.Ш.А." Russia grinned with a chuckle.

"Did you just call me _SASHA_?"

* * *

**Authors Note: **

Yeah, we're getting there. ^.^ Thanks for putting up with my delays! I'm still here!


	20. WTF

Ivan sighed. "No. I did not call you 'Sasha'."

"Oh." Alfred calmed instantly, now looking puzzled. "Then what did you call me?"

"С.Ш.А.-"

With a yell Alfred jumped back up. "AHA! I knew you called me 'Sasha! We'll I've got news for you buddy; no one can call me a _chick _and get away with it!"

"Even though you are completely mistaken – no surprise with your dubious reasoning skills –." Ivan began, "I am not one to retreat from a challenge. If you want to 'show me a thing or two' as you Americans say then you're welcome to it."

Alfred pushed up his sleeves. "It's on like DONKEY KONG!"

Or rather, it would be if Nikolai hadn't taken advantage of that moment to ( quite roughly ) teach Alfred a 'thing or two' about why it's not wise to interrupt Russian class.

Several minutes later a much subdued Alfred sat pouting in his chair as several wide-eyed classmates around him shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

Russia stifled a small chuckle. Not that he feared Alaska's wrath – his little one was still far from strong enough to take on his Папа! However; it would be very inconvenient to teach his class if anything close to what had just happened to Alfred befell him, so he felt it wise to keep quiet just this once.

"That...what the hell kind of family are you?" Gilbert asked.

Canada looked concerned. "Wasn't that a little...harsh?" He asked and regretted speaking the moment Alaska's violet-blue eyes focused on him, miraculously hearing his question.

"I'm tired of him acting like a child. He needs to learn proper manners." Crossing his arms Nikolai snorted. "Besides. He keeps it up and we'll be here all night without learning a thing."

Matthew gave a sigh. He had to admit that Nicky was right...

"That..." Alfred began, still looking a bit shaky. "Does not leave this room. Got it?"

After murmurs of agreement the class continued. Ivan moved to his blackboard.

He wondered why they called it black. It was green. Then should it not be a 'greenboard'? Perhaps there was some negative connotation in English that had not yet been explained to him? He would make sure to ask England sometime. "Alright. Back to business. For the sake of simplicity and brevity we will use these country names : America - Америка."

Alfred nodded weakly. Arthur wrote it down for him, mumbling about how 'you really asked for it this time you know...'

"England? Yours will be shortened to Англия." Ivan pointed at his name.

"Really?" Arthur gasped. "Oh thank heavens! I knew there had to be something more reasonable!"

Russia chuckled. "Of course I reserve the right to change it back at any time."

"Bloody wanker..."

"Should I do it now?"

"Er...no. That's not really necessary."

Next he focused on the Baltic nations. "Латвия, Литва, Эстония, you already know your names. You can use them again now! Is that not wonderful?"

The three gave very unconvincing shows of enthusiasm. Ignoring it, Ivan smirked at Gilbert. "You as well. Or rather, your OLD name, silly me you're not a nation anymore! Прусския."

Gilbert's eyes flashed. Not that he was dumb enough to start shit in the classroom with Nikolai giving him creepy as hell warning looks.

_Oh...but Ivan would get his... _"Sure." Gilbert replied through gritted teeth. "No problem, Товарищ."

Ivan merely responded with a clear, '_I'll meet you in the parking lot with my favorite pipe._' look. With their future battle royal now mutually agreed upon, the Russian moved on with the naming assignments, this time smiling warmly at Canada. "Your name does not change much, it is Канада."

Matthew raised his hand. "Um, how is your name pronounced?"

The class perked up, realizing it was a good question. Ivan wrote his name down on the board. "It is much the same. Россия."

"Another question." Arthur asked, hand lifted slightly. "You said something about Russian being a gendered language if I am correct, and the 'a' sound denoting a feminine noun. So why are all of our names feminine?"

With a shrug, Ivan leaned on the desk. "It just is. Most nation names end with an 'a' sound. For example – Russia, Angliya, Amerika, Latviya, Litva, Estoniya, Proocckiya -"

"Sea-landia!"

The class whipped around to face the smirking kid kicking his feet just outside of the circle of desks.

"NO!" England roared, jumping to his face and pointing angrily at Peter. "You are NOT invited to the country club!"

"AH! Jerk England! Who are you to kick me out? And what if everyone else wants me in?"

"NO!" The class yelled, causing a shocked look to cross Peters face as he was overruled.

"Ah...Ah...no...all of you are jerks!" He whined, looking ready to (pretend to) cry. Seeing his younger...whatever Sea-land was to him's plight, Latvia decided to stand up for the little-er guy.

"Hey, even if he's not...well...at our level does that mean we have to kick him out? Can't he just learn Russian with us? It's not like he will disturb class, right?"

Latvia added the last hopefully, knowing who Russia's wrath would fall on if the kid did cause trouble. Peter flinched.

"No way! Not a bit of trouble out of me! Just hearing what happened to America was more than I could handle."

America's jaw dropped.

"So you've been outside the whole time?" Arthur growled, angry at the kids audacity ( if just a little impressed by his grit for such a little guy.)

"Aw, come on!" Gilbert grinned. "Let him in. If nothing else he'll make a good Frisbee if he acts up."

Peter glared at him before giving Ivan puppy eyes.

Ivan blinked. "Is there something wrong with you? If you are sick you may need a doctor-"

Peter pouted. "Am I in or not?"

"If you wish."

Hurriedly pulling up a chair beside Latvia and missing the relieved, if tired sigh the man made Peter prepared for his first meeting with nations.

_Yes! Now this is the path to being recognized!_

Canada smiled and leaned in to whisper ( unnecessarily ) to Gilbert. "He is sort of cute."

With a shrug Gilbert leaned back. "Yeah, almost makes me want to annex the little shit."

Matthew laughed. "England wouldn't mind at all."

"Cool! I won't even have to change the national colors – though that little dingy will be way to small for my awesome...we'll need to expand..."

"Wait. You're not really thinking of annexing him are you?"

"Er..hehe. Just a joke. Nah. Forget it."

Matthew went back to his notes, not a bit relieved. _Note to self...don't leave Prussia and Sea-land alone..._ "You know Gil, that's something I'd expect from Francis."

"Getting back on subject." Arthur continued after a quick glare at Peter ( who stuck his tongue out at him.). "All nation names are feminine?"

Ivan sighed. "Yes. Unfortunately. So in Russia, with nation names at least, we cannot tell if a nation is male or female from the name alone. However; that's really only a concern among us nations – to humans it is irrelevant."

"Great, I knew it was another evil plot to take over the world." Alfred scoffed, mostly back to his louder self. "Turn us into girls huh? That's absolutely evil if I ever saw it!"

"I don't think that's Russia's plan. What good would it do?" Gilbert wondered. Really, Alfred must have hamburgers for brains on a good day - wouldn't say what he had for brains on a** bad** one.

With a dramatic 'hero-grin' Alfred jumped back onto his ego-podium. "Of course it's diabolical! By turning us all into girls he'll make us talk about girl stuff and...anyway it's his secret plan to take over the world! Somehow..."

"For the love of, Alfred. That's something I'd expect from France."

And in that split second of silence a very soft. 'honhonhon' could be heard – causing England to rocket out of his seat and over to the window.

"And I was _wondering_ how the brat got here, FROG!" Arthur yelled, pointing down as he leaned from the opening at Francis who blew him a kiss.

The Frenchman laughed. "I worried about what a big bad Russian might do to my precious - "

"I'm** not** your precious! And wait, you were _alone_ with Peter? How did you get past Sweden?"

"So I came down to keep an ear on the situation."

"By being a pervert?"

Francis looked stunned. "Why Arthur, if you were not doing anything...naughty...then how am I a pervert for sitting under the window and listening in on you?"

Arthur's eye twitched. "You realize how depraved that sounds don't you?"

"I feel that much passion towards you despite your horrible cooking. You should love me in return for overlooking your many many many many -"

"That's it!" Arthur yelled, vaulting out of the window and onto a startled – and very touchy – Francis.

Nikolai rose from his desk, and calmly left through the front door. The class heard him walk down the wooden ramp, and then around to the grassy side of the modular building.

Ivan closed his book with a particularly evil grin. "Class dismissed!"

Gilbert rose slowly, catching Ivan's gaze and causing the northern nation to chuckle softly. Without even looking at Alfred he stated, "Alfred. While I was looking forward to your detention today it seems more pressing issues have come up. I will see to it next time, да?"

"Uh...sure thing."

_HOT DAMN he was off the hook!_

As the two ( now ferociously glaring ) nations made their way outside and to their inevitable combat America laughed.

"MAN! Now I just have to decide who I want to see get beat to kingdom come first!"

A sudden outburst of cursing in French and the distinct sound of England's swearing was soon cut off by Gilbert screaming obscenities in German.

"Multiculturalism at it's best?" Matthew sighed as he slung his book-bag over his left shoulder and scooped Kumajiro into his right arm. "Looks like everyone's headed out but us."

"I know!" Alfred grinned. "Wanna bet?"

"Alfred!" The nations brother groaned. "You know it's pretty cruel of you to make sport of their fighting! I mean, someone could...will...get hurt!"

Alfred made a 'psh' noise as he waved the thought away. "Oh don't be such a wuss. Besides they'd fight even if I wasn't betting."

"Consider it bad luck then." The violet eyed blond grumbled as he pushed past Alfred to the door. As the two descended the ramp amid a cacophony of loud screaming in multiple mother tongues a shocking silence suddenly fell over the yard. Though both groups were just out of sight around the sides of the building the night had gone deathly quiet - only the wind rustling in the trees.

"OH NO!" Matthew yelled, racing down the ramp and around the corner. Alfred broke into a run, desperate to keep up with his brother but loosing sight of him for just a second as Matthew turned the corner. Apparently that second was enough time to disappear because when Alfred raced around it there was no-one on the other side.

"Wha-...where did everyone go?"

Alfred shivered. "Man, this is like, not even funny guys! I mean, I'm not scared because it totally feels like something out of a horror movie at all! You know...where that guy's all alone at night and he feels something creeping up behind him and whispering his name and aAAAAAAAAAHHHH-"

"_**АМЕРИКА!" **_

_"__**WTF did I do**__?"_

* * *

**Authors Note:**

SNOMFG. Seriously. There were _freaking blossoms_ on the trees this time! I had to shake five inches of snow off of a weeping cherry! ( Of course I'm sure it really _was_ weeping this time - freaking WINTER!)

Author rant over. Hope you enjoy the latest installment! Thanks for reading!

(And someone...save us from General Winter...Please...)

**Authors Note Note:**

? Yeah, it's about time this got posted. I've only been trying for a week now. X.X I had to go the long way around to do it seeing as I still can't properly edit my stories through the site.

Grrr...hopefully they'll find the bug soon. Sigh.


	21. Easy Russian for Alfred

**DON'T PANIC - this_ is_ the next chapter. ^.^;**

* * *

Spring had come.

Since the fateful night that General Winter had figured out where they were hiding Russia had decided that it wasn't exactly safe ( gee, imagine that ) for them to keep meeting until the last of the cold weather had passed and they were safely into the warmer months.

Of course, then they'd been delayed by tornadoes.

"Really? Really? Like I haven't suffered enough." Alfred grumbled as he slurped an Italian cream soda, staring out of the large picture windows at the gathering grey-green clouds.

Yes. It was spring, the season when tornadoes were born.

"This blows." The nation growled, making his way to the back of the store. The only reason he was there was to pick up a book or two.

It had occurred to him that while it seemed like Ivan knew everything about him and his history - he didn't really remember much about Ivan. Strange, seeing as when he'd still been a colony him and Imperial Russia had been on pretty good terms. Nicki was testament to that.

So here he stood in the foreign language section of Barnes and Nobles trying to figure out what book was most likely to help him understand his potentially homicidal foreign language teacher.

He picked up two books.

One had a bunch of that funny Cyrillic writing and a picture of Lenin getting chewed out by a weird looking doll. (Apparently it was for Russian slang.) And the other looked to be far less interesting but had actually been recommended for the class. (by Prussia no less!) . It looked reliable - heck, it even used the same font that they used for vodka bottles!

_HA! Someone likes his booze more than Iggy!_

Slurping through his soda, Alfred made his way to the register with his books.

Once he had managed to fight his way through traffic and arrived at his home he plopped down on the couch to start doing a little 'research' on his nemesis.

Wait? Or were they Frenemies now?

NO. That had the word - "friend" hidden and warped within it.

Nemesis it was then.

A few minutes later after he'd taken in all the information his brain could handle he flopped the book onto the table, flicked on his games and played until the wee hours of the morning.

When his alarm went off he vaguely remembered to grab his books and put on some pants before leaving the house.

* * *

"Oh yeah."

Halfway into the world conference and entirely bored out of his mind no thanks to Austria's presentation on the necessity to preserve something something or other, Alfred found himself digging through his bag for something to pass the time with and remembered that he'd brought some books along.

He eyed the dirty slang book curiously.

Maybe another time - perhaps he should do something...productive?

Picking out the other one he tried to read as discreetly as possible under the table.

"Amerika! Stop reading during my presentation!"

"Woops! My bad!"

* * *

Sitting at a cafe on his lunch hour, Alfred cracked open the book again.

_Man...stupid Australia. Wait. Australia? No...Aust-ria. Yeah_, that_ jerk. I was actually going to do something good like study today! I should totally tell Ivan that he's interrupting my diligent schoolboy habits!_

Thumbing through the pages he sighed. To be honest, the American felt a little a silly.

_Do I really need a book to understand a Russian? I mean, surely I'm worldly enough that I can just wing it._

But in the back of his head there seemed to be a chorus yelling; **Use the damn book** **already!** And after remembering his close encounter of a lead pipe kind he begrudgingly agreed.

"Hm...I guess there's no way this can fail, right? Here goes..."

Alfred flipped the page.

"..._Russians in general have a much different concept of personal space than Americans_."

Alfred frowned. Really?

Come to think of it, he remembered talking to Ivan about his 'bubble' of personal space when Russia was all like 'I hope you're not mad at me wah!' and how the big frost bear seemed to have no idea what Alfred was talking about when he told him to back off. Alfred realized that his version of close had a bigger radius than most of Europe (excepting France). But he'd done just fine with everyone else.(excepting FRANCE)

Was he making Russia uncomfortable by being so distant?

* * *

"Alfred. Can I help you in some way?"

"Don't call me that. And no, why do you ask?"

Ivan looked cautiously at the other nation who was almost standing shoulder to shoulder with him in the elevator despite that fact that there was no one else in it but them. "Um. No reason. Please forget it." He murmured confusedly at first - but after a moment of thought he spoke again. "Actually."

"Yeah?"

"Could you please move away? You are too close Alfred."

"Stop calling me that. And oh, am I in your 'bubble'?"

"I do not have a bubble but you are far too close. Please step back, да?"

"No. I won't."

At this Ivan frowned.

_Why won't he move away from me? What is he trying to accomplish? Perhaps he is sick in the head?_

Raising a heavy hand, Ivan placed it with a near audible smack on Alfred's cranium.

Screaming could be heard outside the elevator.

As the door 'dinged' open Alfred stomped off - his face beet red.

"AGGH! JEEZ Russia! Stay out of my personal space!"

From the elevator there was only a soft. "_kolkolkol.._." and the assurance that Alfred would have another intimate encounter with the "magical stick" very soon.

* * *

Alfred thumbed through the book as best he could without disturbing the multiple bruises on his body.

"Man...there's something I'm missing here. And I won't rest till I've cracked that evil masterminds secrets! After all, that's what hero's live for!"

Turning more pages he took in some of the newest information.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

And finally I drag myself back from the abyss to write this!

Sorry it's kind of short. Getting back into the swing of things.

And don't panic about the 'lost chapters' the reason it's off is because I combined some chapters to make it easier to browse and store this story.

It's all there, just travel sized. ^.~

In other news, I'm tired, have a sinus infection and unrelatedly - a new tattoo on my back.

A cookie to whoever guesses what it's of!

Thanks for reading!


	22. Ты?

"Hello all my fellow nations!"

"That's fellow students, git. You're not a nation."

"Shut up, Jerk England!"

Alfred beamed as he walked back into the squabbling classroom.

Oh yeah, mister cool Alfred 'Fantabulous' Jones had arrived. And armed with this new book of his he would be sure to impress his teacher so much that Ivan would just say, "Hey, you know it all! Let me bow down and worship you! I'm so unworthy!"

"I do not think I will say that." Ivan sighed at the teacher's desk.

"Er..."

Damn. He really needed to stop thinking out loud. Oh well.

Taking his seat Alfred kicked back and relaxed, convinced that the class was going to be a piece of cake. In fact, why didn't he just amaze everyone right now while they were waiting for the lesson to start! And this time he'd made sure there were no bad words in his speech - he'd Google translated everything!

"Как Ты Иван?" Alfred asked, making it good and loud. For a moment Ivan stared back at him, a bit confused. There was much less of that annoying American accent then usual, meaning that Alfred had practiced. But...he was being so familiar.

Ivan smiled. Perhaps he had finally gotten through to the stubborn American! Maybe they could finally work on (dare he say it) friendly relations? Yes! Alfred had asked how he was, surely he had moved past his previous immaturity!

Ivan sighed with a slight smile. "Плоха."

Alfred blinked in shock. "Uh...what?"

_Crap! I didn't study that word! Does it mean 'good'?_

Oblivious, Russia continued.

"I had a bit of trouble on the way here. As I was packing to get ready for class my sister rappelled in through the window. I had crawl out the chimney to get away. Fortunately I keep a spare change of clothes at the airport for such emergencies. But then I remembered I left my briefcase behind! Как жаль! So as I was flying here I wondered how to get it back. There was no way I could ask my sister to bring it to me."

At this Ivan shivered. "But then I realized that I could just ask Lithuania! He is fond of my sister you know. So I asked him if he would get the suitcase from her! Come to think of it though...I got the suitcase but I have not heard from Литва...that was three days ago. Ah, oh well!"

Finally finished with his story Ivan focused in on Alfred only to find him snoring. "Kolkolkol..."

Luckily for Alfred this was the moment that Nikolai entered and whacked him on the head.

"Hey. Don't sleep in class old man."

America yelped, sitting up suddenly and rubbing his poor abused noggin. "Is that any way to treat someone? How rude!"

"You are one to talk, Alfred." Ivan sighed; glad that his dear Коля had taken care of Alfred's rudeness on his behalf...though he would not mind if he were a bit harsher in the future.

Alfred frowned. "Don't call me Alfred."

Ivan blinked. "What?"

The American groaned. "Seriously? You keep acting surprised. I don't want you to get all familiar with me."

The Russian suddenly stood up, an ominous smile on his face as he skipped over to Alfred.

Prussia, who was just coming into the room, saw the look and promptly backed out and ran as quickly down the hall as possible, snatching a confused Canada along the way.

"Maple! Gilbert! Where are we-"

"Don't ask! Just run!"

Alfred slurped his soda. Yeah. That was the way to tell him!

"So..._Amerika_."

Alfred choked on his soda and cautiously looked up at the evil glowing frost-bear in front of him. Ivan continued to smile in that creepy serial murderer way that was making everyone flee the room.

"Ты?"

"Uh...yeah?"

"Then we are friends, да?"

"No."

The pipe landed heavily on the desk, nearly splitting the fragile, innocent wood in two.

"Then you are insulting me, да?"

There was screaming in the back of his mind, curses in British - somewhere a piece of his soul withered away into sparkling fourth of July dust as he realized that there was no good way this was going to end.

"Which one is it, Amerika? Am I your friend or are you insulting me? You have five seconds to tell me, Alfred."

"Um...wait! I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding!"

"Four...three...two..."

For what seemed like an eternity Alfred sat in his little school desk, frozen in fear at the sight of his homicidal teacher preparing to bring the pain. And he had to make a choice.

Alfred...knew he had to do what was right for the great land of AMERICA!

"I'm not your friend!"

Witnesses described the sound that followed as like a freight train. Others reported that clouds of debris were being thrown into the air. Somewhere, a tractor trailer was demolished. This led the authorities to set off the sirens - despite the fact that there was not a cloud in sight.

"I'M SORRY!"

WHAAMMPH!

The old oak groaned with the impact, shuddering so much it nearly knocked Alfred (who was clinging like a totally scared spider-monkey man) from the top branch.

Another solid strike sent a shower of broken wood into the air and caused the tree to shudder violently again as Russia continued to hack away at it.

_He's chopping down a tree with a freaking steel pipe! Oh CRAP!_

"Ты Меня заеьал!" Ivan yelled.

"You said it! Why can't I!" Alfred argued.

The Russian growled - swinging one last time at the helpless plant. With a sharp crack the tree split up the center, shearing off. Alfred screamed like a girl as he and the tree fell to the ground with a heavy crash.

Pinned under the toppled oak, Alfred scrambled to hide in the foliage.

It was all cool! He could hide under here till the big guy calmed down enough to not bludgeon him to death!

It wasn't like Russia would find -

Ivan kicked the tree aside, exposing a crouching Alfred who was so close to having tears in his eyes it was not even funny.

At least not to him. Gilbert found it hilarious from a safe distance on the other hand.

"I'm SOR- AAAHHH!"

Sea-land shivered behind England.

Really, Arthur wished he could help. But there was no good way to stop Russia once he was on a rampage and once again it was mostly Alfred being...well...kind of Alfred that caused the situation in the first place.

So as such he decided that it might be in the best interest of all parties if he sat this one out.

Except America...no. It wasn't really in his best interest but that couldn't be helped.

"And this is why proper manners are important." Arthur commented to Peter over the sound of America getting his but kicked.

* * *

"Here?"

Estonia held up the lantern to see Latvia better. Raivis' trembling form came into view just a few feet away. The small nation nodded, pointing at a spot of earth. At this, Eduard sighed and picked up the shovel he'd brought for the small grave.

"Alright. No sense delaying. Let's be quick then."

After setting the lantern on a nearby tree, Eduard joined his brother over the shallow grave, digging into the cool damp earth and occasionally trying to keep his glasses from falling off into the muck.

At last there was a hollow thunk as their shovels his something solid. Clearing away the dirt and debris from the painted black box, they managed to use some bolt cutters to break the chains holding it shut and slowly pried the top open.

Eduard put a hand to his mouth. "Man..."

Then he sighed, leaning over the body and pulling down the gag.

"AAAH! Oh...thanks guys."

"No problem Toris. But you really have to stop chasing after that woman; she'll be the death of you."

Toris laughed weakly at the joke as Raivis began cutting at the rope that bound his hands and legs. Suddenly the Lithuanian sat up, eyes wide.

"Did Russia get his suitcase?"

Estonia nodded. "Yes. And he thanks you."

Toris sighed happily. "Oh good. That's one calamity averted."

Latvia chuckled nervously. "Yeah but now we've all got detention."

"What?" Lithuania yelped. He looked to Estonia - surely there had to be a reasonable...

"We were all late for class."

The three Baltic's sighed.

"Our lives...really bite."

* * *

**Authors Note:**

OMG. I need to update more often! I forgot how good a mood writing these things puts me in!

And what was it that made Ivan so angry this time? Tune in next time to find out!

_Russia: We will have a proper manners lesson, __Да__?_


	23. Propriety

The summer sun blazed on in the azure heavens. It seemed in rare form today - as if it was happy.

Could the sun be happy? Was it possible?

"Keep staring Al and you'll burn your eyes out." Matthew sighed as he smoothed the blue jeans he wore - his usual hoodie traded in for a breezy t-shirt.

Alfred grunted and looked away from the glowing golden orb; blinking frequently as he tried to re-adjust his eyes. "Heh. Did you know it leaves a little sun-shaped mark on your eyes?"

"Yeah, it's the mark of the sun-devil." Matthew rolled his eyes with a chuckle but Alfred looked positively scared.

"What! A sun-devil! It can't come all the way to earth can it, though?"

A bit surprised at his brothers wide eyed stare, Matt recovered quick enough to give an 'innocent' grin. "Why, I don't know! It _is_ a sun-devil mark...so maybe it _will_ come and get you."

At this Alfred made a nervous squeak. The Canadian stifled a laugh and continued the charade. "I guess you'll just have to keep an 'eye' on it until the mark goes away just to be safe."

With a low whine Alfred shuffled out onto the baseball field. It wasn't often Matt played with him - only when he promised to throw like a girl. Pfft...as if!

"Sun-devil...you're not getting me!" Alfred muttered before slowing his pace.

Speaking of devils...he wasn't so sure he was up to normal throwing speed anyway since his 'confrontation' {read: beat down} with Ivan. "What the heck is up with that jerk anyway?" Alfred growled, kicking at a dirt clod as he stomped over to first plate with Matthew in tow.

His brother made a strange sound. "Al? I don't think calling the sun-devil a jerk is going to get rid of that mark any faster."

_Oh no! He didn't think I meant-_

Alfred glanced up at the sun, felt it start burning his eyes again and quickly looked away.

"I wasn't talking about the sun-devil! I mean no harm to him ...or his sun-devil minions!"

Phew. Crisis averted.

With a sigh Alfred looked over the wide open field, squinting as he saw something fluttering yellow on the other side of it.

"But seriously...I wasn't talking about the sun-devil. I was talking about that devil of a teacher of ours."

Matthew made a scowl. "He's _not_ a devil, Al. And he happens to be a friend of mine if you've forgotten."

Alfred blinked.

"You totally did forget didn't you?" Matthew groaned with disbelief as Alfred tousled his hair in confusion. Then the American shook his head. "No way! No way! If you two were friends I would have known by now!"

"We play hockey all the time. I told you that."

There was a silence before Alfred spoke again. "Really?"

"Yes. Really."

"You play hockey?"

"Yes."

"...just hock-"

"ALFRED!" Matthew yelled, his cheeks suddenly flushing. "YES! Just hockey!"

"Okay! Jeez...touchy..."

With a sigh the normally quiet young man put a hand to his forehead. Why on earth would his brother think it was anything but hockey? Had he been reading too many novels again? Matthew knew that Alfred had swore that those ones Japan had brought over were totally not his thing and all but-

"So uh...about Ivan." Alfred interrupted his thoughts, causing Matthew to pay attention to his brother again, violet eyes skeptical that the next thing out of the Americans mouth wouldn't be idiotic.

"What about Ivan? And by the way, why do you use his name if you don't want him to use yours?"

"Uh, bah. Anyway, _Russia_, I've got a serious question I need to ask you about him."

Matthew nodded solemnly, his brother looked quite mature for once.

"Is he..." Alfred began, looking a bit nervous. "Is he...bigger...than me?"

Matthew hit his brother in the face with the baseball he'd been holding onto for 'safekeeping'.

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW? WHY-WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"

From the ground Alfred whined like an injured toddler. "Mattie! That hurt! I only asked 'cause you guys change in the locker room right? So you have to know!"

"How do I **have** to know!" Matthew growled; feeling like the best way to end this conversation might involve a baseball bat.

"Because;" Alfred jumped up, suddenly looking way too eager about the whole conversation. "If he stripped down to get into hockey gear then you've seen Ivan naked - or mostly so. So...is he bigger than me?"

"Why does it matter! I can't even believe you're asking me this-"

"Oh come on!" Alfred pleaded, looking desperate. "There was this incident during the cold war and I just have to know the truth! Ever since that freaking prank of his I can't help but wonder - America's awesome can't be outdone by that frozen jerk!"

Matthew scowled, suddenly remembering the 'cold war condom exchange'. "Is that what this is about? Jeez Alfred you're such a kid..."  
"PLEASE~"

"Well..." Canada paused a moment as he tried to {unwillingly!} think back to the last time he'd played hockey with the Russian, crossing his arms thoughtfully.

Ivan _had_ changed with him in the locker room. ( They were friends after all ), and notions of nudity being a little different overseas in general he'd not at all been afraid to strip down to at least his underwear...which were...plain white briefs if Matthew remembered.

Yeah.

"Oh! And is he really big boned?" Alfred added incredulously. "I bet he's just fat - a big fat LIAR!"

Matthew sighed heavily, like a tired adult dealing with a very...'difficult' child.

"No Al. He's actually really muscular. Maybe a bit husky...but not fat. Think like a football player."

Matthew dwelled on that a moment.

No. Ivan wasn't fat. In fact he was really toned, but too pale - if he was one to talk! The guy needed to get out in the sun some more. A little bit of a tan might do him good - not that he looked bad pale. Not with that pale hair and those strange lavender eyes of his. Actually, the pale skin might suit him better - it gave him the feel of a quiet and still winter. And he actually quite liked winter...

What was he supposed to be remembering?

"You remember how big he is?" Alfred prodded bluntly, noticing the sudden confused look on his brother's face. Matthew startled a bit.

"Uh yeah...he...hm..."

He'd maybe only seen Ivan totally naked once and it had been completely on accident - when he'd come out of the locker-room showers. First he'd looked at Ivan's face...then got embarrassed and tried to look at the ground an instead ended up looking...

A fierce blush crossed Matthews face. "Yeah Alfred...he's definitely bigger than you."

"NNNOOOOOOOOO! Are you sure? I mean really sure? Try to remember-"

"AAAHH! SHUT UP!" Matthew yelled pulling at his hair._ I need mind-soap! That idiot brother of mine! Now I can't stop thinking about it!_ "Do you even really realize that we're talking about Ivan's...you know...stuff?"

Suddenly Alfred got a really strange look on his face and started screaming.

"AAAAAAHHHHH! EW!EW!EW!EW!EW!EW!-"

"What are YOU ewing for? You don't even know what _it_ looks like!"

"Stop talking about _it_! AAAHH!"

* * *

When class started the next day Ivan was rather surprised to find that his normally attentive student was staring quite intensely at his desk all day - in stark contrast to his normally in-attentive student who was staring quite intensely at...well...

Ivan cleared his throat loudly, jolting Alfred out of the staring contest he'd been having with the Russians nether regions. Arthur, meanwhile; had the entire time been regarding Alfred with a look of horror on his face - his thoughts unknown to all but him.

"Honhonhon~"

"Damn it! Are you back again for another beating, FROG!"

Matthew put his head on the desk, causing Prussia to look over and comment in his usual blunt way; "Dude? Why is your brother staring at Russia's dick?"

Matthew groaned pathetically into his desk.

_Most awkward class ever..._

* * *

Thirty minutes and heated language ( of both sorts ) in English and French later the class had a new student seated next to Arthur - mostly on account that the only other place was next to Peter and well, despite what he said about him Arthur did care about the lad a bit.

"Alright class." Ivan spoke up, calling his unruly students to order. "So let's begin our lesson shall we? Where did we leave off last time?"

"Dude, teacher PHAIL."

"Oh yes. Alfred had three detentions."

"Stop calling me Alfred. Wait- when did I get three?"

Ivan ignored him. "So. I believe it had something to do with courtesy? Да? We'll start with that seeing as some nations are in dire need of it."

He looked pointedly at America. Who pouted.

"Hey. Why are you looking at me?"

"Because I'm talking about you, Alfred."

"Knock it off. And I'm not that bad, really! I can totally be all smooth and junk whenever I want to be."

The Russian made a mock-surprised face. "Oh. Really? I don't believe that! I'll have to see it!"

Alfred cleared his throat and in a moment of unparalleled lack of foresight he spouted off in his best British accent, "Why good day to you sir! I do believe we'll be having a bit of bad wea-"

**WHACK!**

"AAAAHHH! ...Iggy~"

"You bloody wanker I'm sitting RIGHT HERE!" Arthur roared. "That accent was even more atrocious than your normal one! Don't think you can just insult me and get away with it!"

Alfred pointed back at his red-in-the-face former caregiver. "SEE! This is why I don't act polite and fancy and crap - everyone hits me **anyway**!"

Prussia just about fell out of his chair laughing while his wide-eyed Canadian friend could only stare in what might have been horror at his relations.

Alaska's eyes were firmly fixed on England who noticed (a bit too late) that there was a strange sound coming from Alfred's fiftieth state.

"S-so!" Arthur stammered, shaking a bit under Nikolai's stare. "I was here before you were you little upstart! I-I can deal with Alfred if I need to...I don't need your permission!"

Slowly, Alaska's strange blue-violet eyes seemed to soften and eventually he cracked a slight smile.

Arthur breathed a sigh of relief as he felt a trickle of nervous sweat run down his neck._ What a creeper that kid is! I can see Russia in him from a mile away!_

Nikolai gave a hum and then spoke softly. "Marianas."

England blanched. "As in...the name?"

"The trench."

Arthur scooted his seat a bit further away.

Nikolai shrugged, leaning back in his seat like nothing had happened. Looking back over at Russia he asked. "What's the lesson for today again?"

"Manners." Ivan sighed. "Though I think it may be a lost cause. In any case we will start the lesson. Before we get too far I would like to point out the lesson that Alfred was so 'kind' to teach us last time."

With this the class quieted as the remembered the epic beat down that had occurred scarcely a week ago. Prussia laughed at his desk quietly. Canada elbowed him - making him laugh harder.

Russia continued unaware.

"There are a few ways of addressing someone in Russian. However; how you speak to someone is determined by how well you know them and the relationship you have with them."

Leveling a look at the American in the class he grew serious.

"I know that in America you can address everyone the same way for the most part. However; in Russian there are words that are formal and ones that are informal."

"WHAAAT?" Alfred whined. "Man, you mean I have to be all stuffy and stuff?"

"It is not stuffy; slacker." England sighed. "Many languages have formal addresses for people you either work with or do not know very well."

"No way." Alfred laughed. Several of the other countries gathered nodded, causing America to shut his mouth quite suddenly with only a soft, "way?"

Russia nodded, light hair moving slightly into his face. "Yes. Most nations have different addresses for different people - depending on how you are related to them. In Russian we use 'Ты' and 'Вы. The first is informal, the second is formal."  
Here Ivan paused, making sure he had the short-attention spanned blonde's attention.

"AND you only use Ты with close friends, relatives and those much younger than yourself in certain cases. You do NOT use them with acquaintances. We Russians are very formal and using Вы shows respect. When you addressed me the other day you used the informal form. Your Russian was technically correct - but horribly familiar. Then to refute a close relationship...the logical assumption is that you meant to demean me."

Alfred stared. "So is that why you beat the stuffing out of me the other day? Because I insulted you?"

"That is correct...well...that and I find hitting you very cathartic."

"Thanks..." Alfred responded humorlessly.

"You are welcome!" Ivan nodded. "Just remember, that if you use the phrase - Как ты? - only use it with those closest to you. Your brother perhaps. The correct and polite phrase is - Как у вас дела?" Ivan chirped with a smile. "And if you know the persons first name and patronymic you may use that as the situation allows."

"Patronymic?" Canada mused, raising his hand. Ivan nodded and encouraged him to continue. "What is that exactly?" Matthew asked as he reached over to lift Kumajiiro into his lap. (the bear was trying to eat his shoelaces again.) "Patro- does it have something to do with fathers?"

Ivan nodded, lavender eyes shining. "Yes. It has to do with your father's name. Now, we as nations do not have to worry about that so much - but for humans they have a first name, a patronymic, and a surname. Well, if they're my kids they do~."

England made a slight, "Hm." as he thought before speaking up.

"So, this patronymic is almost used in place of a middle name?"

"I suppose you could look at it that way." Russia nodded.

Surprisingly the next question came from Estonia who raised his hand. (not wanting to incur the Russians wrath) "I've always wondered, how does that work?"

Ivan felt a flutter of joy._ Everyone is so interested now! Good! And Alfred is no longer staring at me so strangely...though France...hm..._

Russia ignored the class pervert. "The patronymic is formed by taking the fathers name and adding -ovich or -evich of boys and -ovna or -yevna for girls."

"How do you spell that?" Arthur asked. Ivan dutifully wrote it down for him on the board.

Boys (-ovich / -evich ) -ович / -евич

Girls (-ovna / - evna ) -овна / -евна

With that done, Russia continued. "These are added onto the fathers name and placed in between the given and family names. For example: Nikolai Ivanovich Braginski."

"_HEEEEELLLL NOO_-"

"Detention."

"Dude! Give it up, I've got five already!"

"Actually you had four Amerika but I'll add another just because you seem to enjoy them so much."

"...suuuuuuuuuck..." Alfred whined, slouching in his seat and staring at the ceiling a moment. Then he suddenly sat upright, remembering the issue at hand. Namely Nicky's name. "That's not his name, RED!"

"_Kolkol_. Yes. That _is_ his name, _Amerika_." Ivan countered, an ominous gleam in his icy eyes. "I am the one who gave it to him."

Alfred waved it away. "Dude! His names Nick Kinguuyakii Jones. Jones - like his old man!"

"Old man? I wonder - how many years do you have as a nation Amerika?"

_What? Oh man...It's about to light up like the fourth of July. _Alfred thought heatedly.

That was until both heard a strange sound coming from Nicky and brought the squabbling to an end. They really didn't need a repeat of the infamous incident that will not be talked about at all under pain of death DO YOU HEAR ME SEA-LAND!

"Of course jerk America! You're thinking out loud again!" The young boy scowled with his enormously bushy brows.

Alfred laughed. "Oops?"

Saving the argument for later, Ivan continued. "So. There are many ways to address people in Russian. But stick with Вы to be sure. And don't follow our dear Prussia's example here."

"What?" The class wondered. Gilbert smirked.

"Kese~ Get over it. You started using it yourself didn't you? Don't be mad because you want to take it back now."

Ivan scowled. "This one occasionally calls me Товарищ. I would advise you not to do that nowadays. It has...fallen from favor."

Canada blinked as he looked over at Prussia. "So what does it mean?"

"Comrade." Gilbert shrugged.

"Really? I thought that was just some B-grade movie villain stuff there! You actually said 'comrade' all the time?" Alfred laughed. He stopped laughing when he caught the murderous look of doom from Russia. "It was a little funny..." He mumbled.

And as if to cause the perfect storm, Latvia raised his hand despite Lithuania and Estonia's best efforts. "Um...So Mr. Russia."

The nation turned, focusing in on the smallest Baltic with a blank sort of expression and a childlike smile. "Да?"

"So...if everyone gets a patronymic...then what is yours?"

The temperature in the room dropped, despite there being a heat wave outside.

"General Winter is the one credited with being as close to a 'Father figure' as I could get."

Latvia perked up. "Oh! So your names Иван...uh...winter-"

"Can we take a break?" Lithuania jumped in, effectively silencing Latvia.

"_Kolkolkolkolkolkolkolkol-_"

* * *

About fifteen minutes later they re-convened.

Ivan looked over his class. "I trust you have been studying so please repeat after me - Здравствуйте."

Alfred managed wonderfully.

" Здравствуйте home slice!"

Russia smiled. "Wonderful, but typically American. Who's next?"

Canada managed with similar success - having heard his friend speak the word so many times over the years of their FRIENDSHIP. A second after he finished he shot a scowl over at Alfred who was looking at him with the same expression he'd had when he'd questioned their relationship before. The American quirked an eyebrow and slurped his soda before scowling in turn at Ivan - then again at Ivan's 'vital regions'

_I'd think that baseball to the head damaged him if I didn't know him since birth_. Matthew sighed.

"You know your brother-" Gilbert began.

"I _know_. Ignore him please."

Prussia shrugged. "Whatever."

Taking notice of his Germanic student Russia looked on expectantly until Gilbert finally pointed at himself. Ivan nodded. With a smirk, Prussia responded with " Здравствуйте." in the heaviest German accent he could muster.

Ivan's smile slipped a bit but he moved on.

Nikolai passed, as did the three Baltics (though Latvia stumbled a bit). But then came England's turn and with all eyes on him he suddenly felt the pressure.

"Ah...ah...z...zd...ah...I'm sorry but could you break that down a bit for me? It's completely foreign to the English language - I've never seen that many consonants clustered together!"

Ivan chuckled. "Of course. I suppose I can help a student who did not study."

England snorted at this but paid attention anyway.

With a little bounce in his step Russia moved to the board. "Let's spell it out, да? It will help your spelling as well!

**З Д Р А В С Т В У Й Т Е**

"How do you spell this? What are the letters?" Russia asked, pointedly staring down Lithuania who grudgingly realized he was chosen to answer whether he liked it or not.

"Oh, I think Литва knows! Let's listen!"

Lithuania sighed, moving his dark brown hair out of his face a bit as he stood. (At Russia's motioning of course)

"In English it is, Z D R A V S T V OO I T YE. Zdravstvooite."

"Very good!" Ivan praised as Lithuania took his seat, a very slight blush crossing his face. He'd take a compliment from Russia over a death threat any day.

Focusing back in on England the class watched the prim and proper pirate try to sound out the words.

"Ah. Well, let's try again then. З-Зд-Здравтствуйте!"

The look on his face the moment he finished will forever be burned into the class's memory.

"GOOD GOD MAN! What the hell was that- uggg! My mouth!"

"_HonHon_ - an interesting feeling, non?"

* * *

**Authors Note**:

And this is long post. ^.^ I figured I should make a longer one since it's taken me so long to get around to writing. I need to get a system here. ( I'm soo bad)

Words:

Ты [ Ty ] You ( informal ) / hint: try saying TOY without the O

Вы [ Vy ] You ( formal ) /hint: rhymes with boy - only VOY without the O

Как ты [ kak ty] How are you?( rough translation, not literal but very very informal.)

Как у вас дела? - [ kak oo vas dyela ] - How are you? / How by you are things?

Товарищ [ Tovarishsh ] - Comrade. For that old Soviet feel.

Здравствуйте [ Zdravstvooeetye] - Hello ( formal )

Boys (-ovich / -evich ) -ович / -евич

Girls (-ovna / - evna ) -овна / -евна

If anything is off let me know. This is pretty much how I learned it from my teacher.

As always, Thanks for Reading!


	24. Omake 2 Hang in there Ludwig!

Ludwig shouldered his bag and with a low sigh opened the front door.

Even though the other occupant of the house - his brother - was still sound asleep the personification of Germany was up bright and early.

The door closed gently and Ludwig quietly walked to the simple blue car parked at the curb.

Inside the house, sprawled on the couch in the same clothes he'd passed out in after bar-hopping the night before, Gilbert opened an eye.

"Kesesesese~"

* * *

_Riiinng._

_Riiinng._

_Rii-_

"Hello?"

"Hey!" The familiar voice came through the line, Gilbert sounding far too awake for such an early hour in the morning. Antonio sighed as he looked at his clock.

"For the love of- Gilbert! You realize it's seven in the morning, right? I feel like dirt after last night!"

"Yeah. I do to but it's important. Now get up - oh, and call Francy-pants. I'll explain in a minute - got some more calls to make."

The line clicked off, the dial tone sounding mournfully in the Spaniards room. With a groan he placed it back on his bedside stand before giving a small smirk.

There was only one thing that could get Gilbert out of bed before noon...

* * *

_Find your happy place..._

Ludwig let out a low hiss as he stared at the never-ending sea of vehicles in front of him. Really, he should ban cars. No more cars on the streets of Germany.

Except the autobahn. He really didn't want to do without that...

Eventually he made his way through the nightmare of steel and rubber tires to his office. The secretary at the front desk of the government building was nice to him as normal. The people in the halls were polite, but not overly friendly.

All and all a normal day.

As he boarded the elevator Ludwig frowned at the numbers, switching his gaze to view each passing numeral. Then the doors opened - ending the ear-melting music that seemed so standard when traveling by lift.

Ludwig walked down the hall, sniffling a bit at the slight scent of the office. Carpet, copy machines, old potpourri. Stopping in front of his door he reached into his pocket for his keys. He knew he had a meeting in about an hour so he could get some basic paperwork done. For next months World Conference he needed to have a speech on climate change ready. As much as he was fascinated by the subject he hated discussing it.

Correction. He hated discussing it with AMERICA.

Rolling his eyes, he finally opened the door to his office.

"LUUUDDDWWWIIIGGG!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The German stood wide-eyed at the doorway, chest heaving as he leaned against the frame and staring at none other than that lab-rat looking brother of his that he currently wanted to strangle more than anything in the world.

Gilbert swung his legs from his seat on top of Ludwig's desk and smirked, Gilbert flying in circuits above his head.

"Hey." Gilbert laughed. "Guess what?"

"What?" Ludwig groaned, rubbing his temples with exasperation. When he finally looked up at his brother the man jumped off the table.

"Surprise Birthday."

Moving aside he motioned to a large white frosting covered cake with black, red and gold sprinkles and a flag in matching colors dead center. Several candles were already burning - but not for long it seemed, they were hardly melted.

"Bi-birthday..." Ludwig stammered as he stared at the cake, seemingly transfixed by the sight.

"Of course!" Feliciano shouted, making the German spin around.

"You're here too?" He stated (the obvious) and noticed that not only Feliciano, but his brother (scowling off to the side), Francis, Arthur, Alfred, Matthew and several other nations were behind his Italian friend.

Said friend bounced over to him, patting him on the shoulder. "Your big brother called us all this morning! He said to meet you here to give you a surprise. I didn't know it was your birthday!"

Ludwig gave a small smile. "Neither did I."

Feliciano cocked his head to the side a minute, and then smiled. "SO can I have some cake now?"

"Yeah Luddy - blow out the damn candles before we-"

**SPRINKLER POWERS ACTIVATE**

"Oh SHIT! SAVE THE CAKE!"

"I GOT IT! GOTT!"

Having had the rare foresight to bring a box for the cake, Gilbert was successful in clamping the lid shut just as surprisingly cold water rained down on the confection, the nations and the entire staff of their floor.

Wrapping an arm around Ludwig's neck, Gilbert pulled him into a one armed hug.

"Hey kid! Happy Birthday!"

Ludwig couldn't stop grinning.

_That brother of his!_

* * *

**Authors Note:**

Short break from the normally scheduled story.

I had this idea for a short 'ficlett' on my own birthday.

Basically, I'd been planning on going out to six-flags with my friends for my birthday but it was so hot out here they had heat advisories and temps in the 100+ with heat index. I didn't want to risk anyone getting heatstroke so I called it off.

So they ambushed me at work with a birthday cake with the German flag on it. {My families German - especially ma, she's was born and raised there}

Then I thought about Germany's birthday. Canonically speaking, he doesn't have one. So I just sort of imagined Prussia ambushing him with random 'surprise birthdays' - a new one every year.

Funny story.

Apparently when ma ordered the cake she talked to a girl on the phone. When she said she wanted the German flag on it the girl told her they weren't allowed to do that.

O.o

So when ma went in she talked with a lady who'd been working there a long time and that lady said "Oh, that girl doesn't know what she's talking about! I'll get it for you!"

lol.

Seems like the girl got her signals crossed. It's not like we wanted a Hitler cake or anything. Jeez.

Cause I'd seriously have to ground ma if she brought _that_ into work for my birthday. XD


	25. Spuuuutnik

_In a quiet little room _

_On a quiet little street _

_Lies a tired out writer_

_Fast Asleep._

_In this quiet little room_

_Near a quiet little hall_

_Are two flags - gold red black white_

_On the wall._

_With its decorations quaint_

_In this warm and cozy space_

_Stands something that should not be_

_Out of place._

_With his heavy wool tan coat _

_And his creepy childish smile_

_This invader stops and stares_

_For a while. _

_An Aura terrifying _

_Plus that smile bodes not well_

_Causes the author to wake _

_"WHAT THE HELL?"_

_With his creepy 'Kol Kol Kol'_

_And his twisted little grin_

_"Your window was unlocked, __да__?_

_I came in."_

_With a quickly yelled "OH SHIT!"_

_And the dodging of a swipe_

_They play tag for a moment_

_With a PIPE!_

_It was only a short time_

_Less than a minute or two_

_The writer was at last caught_

_"I got you!"_

_"You're supposed to be writing_

_and this I'm sorry to say_

_You've not at all been doing_

_many days."_

_Then Russia scowled - so not good!_

_"I can not make the world one_

_if your story does not get_

_quickly done_

_"People need to understand _

_the language of their new home"_

_By now the author started to_

_slightly foam._

_"Am I grabbing you too hard?_

_No need to make you queasy._

_I decided to take pity_

_Make it easy_

_"You will come to live with me!_

_Until the story is done!_

_When everyone knows Russian_

_WE'LL BE ONE"_

_Goodbye walls with the two flags_

_I won't be seeing you soon_

_Evil Russia kidnapped me_

_From my Room._

_I'm off to write fan fiction_

_Unless a HERO saves me_

_Actually, forget that_

_I'm happy._

"And this poem was written with absolutely no coercion да! I asked nicely and dear author came up with it. Now that she has been given a little 'inspiration' the story can continue!"

* * *

**Last time:**

_"Oh God! NO! NOOO!"_

_"Run! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES-"_

Oh. Sorry. Preview.

* * *

"Alright. I think we can work on words now."

The class looked relieved.

Small wonder, they had spent nearly a half-hour saying simple greetings to each other to get the hang of the language after England had started gagging in class. Russia wanted to call a break but quickly realized that no one would come back if he did that. Seeing their anticipation, Russia smiled.

"Alright. Now this part is actually going to be fairly easy. You are essentially going to be speaking English words. But - you will be speaking them with a Russian accent!"

"Dude! I rock at this game!"

Russia stared, and then continued. "Eh...anyway, we will be studying words that sound and look similar to their English counterparts. I will spell out a word in Russian, and you will sound it out and guess the word. Easy, да?"

The class nodded. Readying a piece of chalk, Russia began to write the first word.

**А Т О М**

"When I call on you, spell out the word and then say the word. You should be able to guess the English equivalent."

"What? It's already in English!" Alfred complained. Ivan laughed.

"Нет. It is certainly in Russian. So what does it say?"

The other nation sat staring at the foreign / not foreign word wondering why that sirelec language had to keep messing with his mind, man.

Seeing a small flailing hand out of the corner of his eye, Ivan called on Peter who was nearly falling out of his chair. As he pointed to him the boy smiled. "I know this one! A T O M - Atom!"

"Very good Peter! That is correct!" Ivan praised the small nation. A slightly strained look came over England's face for just a split second before it vanished and was replaced with one of mock indifference.

Alfred jumped to his feet. "I call bullshit! That WAS English!"

In the next moment Alfred was forced to dodge a brick.

"What the hell? Did that just come from behind your desk?"

Ivan tossed another red projectile in his hand lightly, a confident smirk on his face. "You see, Alfred. I realized that chalk was not quite...solid...enough to do the job. So I upgraded. Please, you were saying?"

"Uh...nothing man. Nope. Just...kinda confused, that's all."

"That is not anything unusual. Please take your seat Amerika."

Alfred did so, and added a few feet of 'security zone' between him and his homicidal teacher.

"Move closer please."

"Hells to the no."

Ivan sighed; this was giving him a headache..."Alright. You may sit there for today as I do not think you could possibly be MORE annoying seated there than up here. Anyway, I will choose another word that you can spell out."

**К ****И ****Л ****О**

"Okay...Let us see..." Russia mused before he pointed at the most likely student to know.

"But I just went..." Lithuania sighed. "Maybe someone else should try?"

"But I like my little Litva."

"But..."

"Go on." Russia added in an encouraging - but not encouraging because it really meant he'd bludgeon you to within an inch of your life if you just didn't do it - look.

"Yes! Um. Of course! It's K I L O. Kilo, as in Kilometer."

Their teacher nodded. "Good! Everyone got it? Now, next word. And I'll give you a hint- our little Lithuania has already said it!"

**Л **** И Т Р**

"Canada?" Russia asked politely (for realz) this time. His friend only glared at Alfred a moment before smiling shyly.

"Okay." He spoke. No one heard but pretended to anyway.

"I think it's...L...I... I...T R. So what does 'Litr' spell? OH Liter!"

"Very good!" Russia praised him.

Gilbert gave a smirk. "Duh. The kids smart."

The other members of the class stared blankly, having not heard a thing.

"Next one!" Russia declared with a wide grin. "You're all doing so well with this! Prussia, you will be next!"

The albino snorted. "Just don't make it some totally not-awesome monstrosity of a Russian word. I've seen how long some of those things get."

"Any longer than German?" Ivan commented offhandedly, knowing full well how tedious German compounds could get.

For a moment Gilbert looked like he wanted to argue, then suddenly he burst out into a big grin.

"Nope. Nothings longer than a German."

Matthew snorted, reactively backhanding Gilbert in the shoulder. Gilbert only 'kese'd happily.

Francis sighed with a smirk. "Or so you tell yourself at night."

"Shut it Francy-pants. You know I'm awesome."

"I'm more interested in that brother of yours."

"You know the rule - no siblings or love interests."

Ivan stared out at the class, a little confused. He'd expected Gilbert to argue with him. Why had he agreed? Just another oddity of these Western Europeans. With a shrug Ivan tuned out most of the conversation and wrote the next word on the board.

**К **** О М Е Т А**

Finishing, Russia looked over the class. "Who wants to spell this word?"

Eventually Nikolai raised his hand. "K O M YE T A. Komyeta or 'Comet'. At least from what I remember."

"Wonderful!" Russia cooed, smiling proudly at his son. "You do remember Russian!"

"You could say it's all coming back to me." Nikolai mumbled and a series of concerned and unhappy expressions crossed the faces of the Baltic's and Gilberts faces.

_Just thinking the same thing..._

"Great!" Ivan continued as he wrote the next word - not seeing Alfred raise his hand.

It didn't matter, America spoke anyway. "So teach-"

The chalk screeched a moment.

"Why are all these words, like, astro...space words?" Alfred questioned, sucking at his cola even though it was obviously long gone and he was just pulling water and ice out of the bottom making an annoying slurping sound.

Russia grit his teeth but smiled nonetheless. "They are the words that are most similar to your English ones because they were borrowed from English."

"YOU STOLE ENGLISH!"

"I borrow-"

Alfred scoffed. "Yeah. Whatever. Stole our words huh?"

"Kolkolkokolkolkol..."

"Face it; you're just used to training spies. What will we be learning next - how to meet up with an agent in Moscow?"

Russia snorted. "You will not be learning that of course. That is next semester."

The class stared.

"In any case, the next word- spell it out as a class please and then pronounce it."

**С П У Т Н И К**

"Sp..." Canada started.

England picked up right after him. "S..T? I forgot what that one next to it is."

"That would be an 'N' Angleterre. Perhaps I can tutor you after class?"

"Piss off! Hm... N. I. K. What?"

Prussia snorted. "Dudes...its S. P. OO. T. N. I. K. Got it already? Geez."

Russia nodded. "That is correct. Now who can pronounce it? And America don't you dare say it like -."

"SPUTNIK!"

He was immediately bricked.

* * *

Alfred sighed.

In his opinion that was possibly the worst class ever. Sure there were a few other days when he'd engaged in mortal combat with the frost bear - but this time something worse had happened.

He had _homework_.

"Ahahaha~" Alfred whined from his seat. "I hate homewooooooooooooooooork!"

Arthur shook his head. "It's far from the end of the world you know. Use it as an opportunity to learn Russian. You realize that the sooner you learn it the quicker you can be done with the class."

Alfred opened his eye, tempted at the thought.

"Studying requires effort."

"It's hopeless." The American groaned, leaning back in his desk. Most of the students had already departed - leaving Alfred, Arthur, Matthew and Prussia in the room.

A few minutes later and they had filed out into the parking lot.

Seeing Alfred's dejected face Arthur invited him out for a drink.

Prussia invited himself along, argued with Arthur for nearly ten minutes and invited Canada by proxy (who only shook his head as he looked at Kumajiiro). Alaska was called by America who proceeded to ask him out in the loudest way possible - causing Latvia to overhear. Alaska and the three Baltic's then changed their plans of dinner out to meet up with America, England, Canada, and Prussia.

France arrived after stalking England to the bar, calling Spain on the way.

Approximately ten minutes later Russia arrived after stalking Alaska.

* * *

**Authors Note**:

OMG. It's been waaay too long since I've updated this hasn't it. I mean a real update with them in class. Jeez.

Anyway, there it is. And the thing about learning all of the technological stuff - yeah. We totally did that in my Russian class. In fact, we had no less than three "meet with a fellow secret agent" scenarios last year. Lol.

Question Answer TIMEZ

1) Yes, the lady at the bakery actually thought I wanted a Nazi cake. T.T I'm so misunderstood...just because I'm from a German family and like red black and white and have a strange fascination for black uniforms and ...I'm digging my grave deeper aren't I?

Damn it...

If I'd been there in person it would have been a stupidly laughable assumption - yeah, my short, dark haired-dark eyed, half- black butt wants a Nazi cake...sure. Yeah.

2) France needs to actually speak the language in order to ...speak it. As he refuses to speak anything other than French his turn should be a hoot...kese...Good luck telling that to Ivan. *spoiler*

3) And to help with pronunciation I found a site that may / may not be useful to those who want to follow along. I'm sure it's not how my teacher would speak it but whatever.

http: / www. russianlessons. net/

The usual drill, close out the gaps. It does ingrain in the brain better if you hear it.

Glossary

**АТО****М**** :** Atom

**КИЛ****О**** :** Kilo

**ЛИ****ТР**** :** (Litr) Liter

**КОМЕТА** : (Kometa) or Comet

**СПУТНИ****К**: (Spootnik) Sputnik (note, this does not rhyme with hut or but or any other such words. It's a double 'oo' as in boot, remember? Yeah...that's why America got bricked.

In any case, I hope everyone is doing well with the veritable shit-storm of catastrophes we've been having lately.

(And I thought General Winter PMS'ing was bad enough...)

_Russia: Do not mention-_

_WINTER: __ИВАН__!_

_Russia: RUN_

Gotta go! Thanks for reading!


	26. Bottles

"You know I'm awesome, now say it!"

Gilbert laughed. "Matthew is the most totally awesome nation-person in the whole wide world – after me!"

"Damn right…" The Canadian giggled into his drink. With a sigh he shifted his gaze to his right where a man sat under a dark and gloomy cloud of woe. "Oops. Looks like we probably need to get Arthur out of here."

"Why? France is helping him."

"That's why we need to get him out of here Gilbert."

"Oh. Kese. Right. HEY! Hands off Francy-pants!"

Francis put both hands in the air, a bit of an annoyed look on his face. "I was only speaking, Gilbert."

"Yeah. I know you like to talk with your hands." The albino smirked. "If you're going to be helpful then at least help me get a cab for the Pirate."

"Of course, I will even accompany him to his room."

England gurgled his disapproval.

"I think that's a no; Francy." Gilbert laughed.

"I think that was an inarticulate sound, and stop calling me Francy – you know I detest that nickname."

Gilbert shrugged, hoisting Arthur off of his seat.

It was almost as if he had Iggy-senses, Alfred thought. He knew that England was being moved from the bar without even looking. And a Hero doesn't leave a man behind at a bar drunk. Unless he has company. GOOD company, not bad ones.

"I got him!" Alfred chimed in, deftly lifting the island nation off of Prussia's back. "Be back once I drop the lightweight off."

"Uhalshlie…."

"I could take-"

"No."

France shrugged. "As you wish."

It didn't take him long to find another companion to drink the night away with. It never did. And now that he was no longer responsible for a drunken Englishman Prussia returned to his favorite pastime – Canada.

Alfred laughed as he trotted down the street, ignoring the gurgling-mumbling mass attached to his back. "Just relax dude. I'll drop you off at your room real quick then I'm going back 'kay?"

"lzymercan"

"What? I don't speak drunk Iggy!"

Arthur growled at the back of Alfred's neck for only a moment before giving up on the effort and falling silent. It was only a sudden jerk from the inebriated Brit that warned Alfred of impending doom.

"Привет Америка!"

"Mother of – RUSSIA!"

Russia tilted his head to the side in question. "Is that a new greeting America? You've said something like that once before, да?"

"Yeah." Alfred grumbled.

The larger nation nodded. "In any case, I did not expect you to be going home so early! I had guessed that you might be out drinking for a while so I took a break from watching all of you to get something to eat."

"…wait. You were watching us drink?"

"Да."

"…omg. Stop with the stalking already."

Russia sighed. "I am not stalking you Alfred-"

"Stop that."

"-_Amerika_. I simply wanted to watch you without you knowing."

Alfred quirked an eyebrow. "…tell me Russia. Does Russian have a different definition from stalking than English does?"

Russia shook his head. "Not that I'm aware of."

"Creep…Anyway, I'm not calling it a night." Alfred clarified, shifting the dead weight of a drunken England on his back. The guy was starting to get heavy and Alfred was pretty damn sure his 'Big Ben' was poking him in the back. "Well, pardon me for not talking but I'd _really_ like to drop England off real quick. And hey, instead of being all stalker and creepy and shit why don't you just come in and drink already?"

Russia blinked, not quite believing what he was hearing. A SOBER Alfred was inviting him to something.

"Uh hello, earth to Russia. Did your brain freeze over or something-"

"I would be happy to join you in drinking tonight!"

"I didn't really say join-"

"I will wait for you to return!" Russia waved, eyes shining with childish delight as he raced for the bar.

Alfred sighed. "Oh man…"

* * *

On his way back to the bar of foreboding Alfred swung by his hotel room and took a quick look through his 'how the hell to understand your potentially psychotic Russian teacher' book.

It was less than helpful.

So with a shrug he decided to just wing it. After all, all Heroes just go with the flow for the most part. It always worked out for Superman and Captain America and…

He was at the bar.

"I'm totally over thinking this. I just need to go in there and have fun."

That lasted all of about five seconds. He was immediately confronted by the sight of red, red eyes. "You invited Russia in?" Prussia hissed, looking a lot less than pleased.

"Y-yeah? Not really but…yeah?" Alfred squirmed with his back up against the door. Gilbert was a little unenthusiastic about his choice but hey, he'd get over it soon right?

"Gott, you little – no. I'm not drinking with him!"

"You don't have to!"

Gilbert scowled. "Alright? Then are YOU going to?"

"Yeah."

Suddenly the albino's poor mood floated away in a cloud of relief. "KESE! Well then, I got to stay and see this! Just let me tell you one thing, from my heart." Gilbert stated as he pulled Alfred into a side-hug and whispered in his ear.

"It was nice knowing you, kid."

Then in an instant Gilbert was gone, back on the far side of the bar and goofing off with Francis and Antonio (who he'd made sure to call.) Antonio laughed, and then squirmed. It took a second for Alfred to realize that the squirming was due to France.

"Nice…knowing you?"

"Alfred!"

The American looked to his right where Russia was sitting, flagging him over. For a moment he considered just waving back and going about his business but there was no doubt in his mind that if he thought he could just walk away from this that he was wrong.

So taking a deep breath he went over to the dark, isolated –seriously, did he HAVE to pick the creepiest part of the bar? Why did the bar even have a corner that where there were no lights. At least there wasn't a couple drunkenly making out. Probably too afraid that Ctulu would rise from the depths of the smoke and…smoke? Really? Great. The hell corner was dark and smoky. Seriously?

"It took you a while to make your way over here Alfred." Russia mused. "I thought for a moment you might be scared of the dark."

"And why are we drinking in the dark again?" The American asked, trying to keep a pleasant enough smile on his face. "I mean. There were plenty of tables outside of the bowels of hell to sit at."

Ivan shrugged. "Too bright. I wanted something quiet where we could talk. The darkness simply adds atmosphere. Besides, there is plenty of candlelight so seeing is not a problem.

God help him if there weren't hurricane lamps and wall sconces burning away in their dimly lit corner of the bar.

"Okay…forget it. So. What first?" Alfred wondered, leaning back in his booth. "We're not hitting the Vodka right off the bat are we?"  
Ivan shrugged. "Order whatever you like, Alfred. I want to see how Americans drink firsthand."

Alfred rolled his eyes before Ivan could continue.

"I'll just drink what I normally do."

The Americans blue eyes scanned the bottle of beer in Russia's hand. "So you drink beer? I wouldn't have guessed that."

"Only while I was waiting for you. I didn't want to start drinking until you'd come back."

Alfred gave a laugh. "Dude? Since when is beer 'Not Drinking'?"

It took him a second to realize that Ivan was staring at him in puzzlement. "I don't understand."

The American gave a nervous chuckle. "…what do you mean, 'don't understand? Beer is alcoholic."

"No it is not, it is a food- Oh wait." Ivan put his head in his hand and sighed. Then giggled. "Silly me forgot they just changed that rule. Kolkol. I guess you are right да?"

Alfred sat in silence a moment before his natural curiosity got the better of him. "What do you mean it's not alcoholic? What law?"

Ivan swirled the beer at the bottom of his bottle with a small smile. "Oh. Perhaps I should explain. Very recently – within the last few months or so – my boss decided that my pastime was…unhealthy." At this Russia made a displeased face before it faded and he carried on. "So. They changed the law and made it so that instead of being classified as a foodstuff, beer was now considered alcoholic. So strange…"

He eyed the bottle. "I know that is not alcoholic. It is like water or soda."

Alfred just kept slowly nodding and smiling. "So…let me just flag down someone and get something to drink okay?"

"Alright!" Ivan chirped, placing the now empty bottle on the floor next to his feet.

"Wait." Alfred spoke in confusion. "Why did you put it on the floor?"

Russia frowned. "Because I am done with it."

"So you put it on the ground?"

"Да. What do _you_ do with them?" The larger man asked in return, genuinely curious.

"Dude we just leave them on the table."

"On the table?" Ivan repeated incredulously. He tilted his head to the side. Alfred nodded.

"Yeah. You don't leave empty bottles on the table?" America asked.

"So you never put them on the floor?" Russia countered.

The two stared at each other a moment before saying in uncanny unison: "Weird."

Alfred sighed, shaking his head. "Have I ever told you that you scare me?"

Ivan nodded. "Yes. Many times. Oh! There's a waiter!"

Alfred laughed. "You are totally crazy dude."

"I am not!" Russia insisted. "You can not prove that!"

"Relax…" Alfred chuckled, his pleasant mood convincing Russia that he had been joking. "So. Then. Let's get something to drink."

"Okay. But that guy won't come over when I get his attention." Ivan sighed.

"Small wonder." Alfred mumbled under his breath. "In any case, what do you want? I can grab it from the bar."

"Oh, you don't have to do that." Russia spoke quickly.

"It's totally no problem. I can run drinks."

"But…you'll be tired by the end of the night." Ivan stated in blunt honesty.

Alfred stared.

* * *

**Authors Note: **

TADA! I finally stopped slogging through politics long enough to actually write something fun! Yays! There's actually a lot of cultural stuff to go over so look out for the next chapter!

Oh, and it was pointed out to me by ASillyRhombus that I kind of goofed with the origin of Cyrillic. It is heavily based on the _Greek_ letters. I had Latin on the brain when I was looking that up in the library. I'll change that as soon as I figure out where that page ran off to.

As always, thank you for reading!


	27. Miserable Company

_It's okay._ Alfred comforted himself_. Just point and ask like you did when you were a kid. You got this! Just point at it, you don't have to pronounce it. _

The bartender stood sucking on a toothpick, his look clearly stating that he didn't have all night for this nonsense.

"Hey." Alfred stated softer than normal (regular human indoor voice). "Can you get me a bottle of...um...uh...um...it's..."

_It's NOT THERE! Pointing and nodding is useless! Oh God! Now I'll have to pronounce it! SHIIIIITT!_

Then the nervous laughter began, the type of laughter that some people get when they've stepped into a horrible situation and have no way out - like accidentally insulting a mafia-bosses mother or running over a cops car or trying to answer Arthur's "do you like my food?" pop quiz, or accidentally mentioning to Switzerland that when she grows up his sister is going to be **fine.**

Alfred tried to smile, then frowned, then made strange disfigured facial feature which has no name and never will. "Um...it started with an S? It's Vodka...um...S? And a bunch of A's?"

There was an irritated groan behind him as Prussia threw himself onto the barstool next to him, glaring.

"The hell, hero? I can't order my drink until you spit out what you want!"

Alfred tried puppy eyes. "Vodka?"

"What kind?" Gilbert grumbled, eye twitching.

"S?"

"...fine." The Prussian waved at the bartender. "Hey, get him a bottle of Stoli for the Russki in the corner alright?"

Alfred could hear the hallelujah chorus resounding through the halls and over the hills that were now alive with music in a way that only Austria could appreciate.

In his hotel room Austria sneezed in his sleep and turned over fitfully.

Back in the bar Gilbert only grunted as Alfred sung his praises.

"I owe you so much dude! That was a mouth rape word if I ever heard one!"

The bartender made a strange face. Gilbert smirked. "Yeah, don't mention it."

"I mean, thanks a ton. But how did you know, you drink this stuff?"

Gilbert raised an eyebrow. "Hell no. Tastes like industrialism and orphans tears."

"Really?"

"Then again, I'm more a beer man myself." The Prussian clarified.

"Oh. Well, thanks again anyway."

Before Alfred could turn away Gilbert grabbed his arm, red eyes once more up close and personal in a really uncomfortable way for someone who wasn't really that familiar with being all that close to other dudes but it's okay because Gilbert was only known to sleep with Francis when drunk -

"Listen, Al. I said, don't mention it. Really. I seriously freakin' mean it."

"Totally got it dude!" Alfred laughed, patting Gilbert on the shoulder and hastily retreating back to the...

_This is totally the most unsafe place I could possibly be at. Suck._ Alfred pouted.

As he set the bottle down on the table with two glasses he'd acquired along the way the inattentive student smiled, hoping his teacher wouldn't realize how bad he sucked at Russian.

"Oh. So you _did_ get it!" Ivan praised. "I was wondering if the word would be too hard for you."

"Nah, it ain't no thang'." Alfred preened, trying to play it cool as he sat down in the booth. His companion nodded.

"I will get the next one, Alfred. Thank you for this."

The American laughed. "Don't thank me dude, I didn't pay for it. Gil did."

"_Damn it all to**-**_"

"Calm down Gilbert - where are you going!" Matthews's voice could be heard in the background. The albino had at first wanted to beat the stuffing out of the thick-headed blond but on second thought tried to make a break for the door- resolving to punch Alfred into the next dimension at a later date.

Ivan beat him to the door, thanked him profusely, picked him up kicking and screaming and dragged him back to the dark, smoky, candlelit booth while happily explaining that he could not in good conscious drink when the person who had paid for the bottle was not with him.

Matthew followed, hoping he could make peace between the three.

Almost throwing a struggling Gilbert into the booth, Ivan sat down after him - effectively trapping the nation in the middle. Matthew tapped his brother on the shoulder and Alfred scooted over.

"Mattie?" Alfred asked, a bit surprised. "What are you doing here? Aren't you off drinking with someone?"

The Canadian sighed. "I was drinking with Gilbert and -"

He froze, seeing the look in Ivan's eyes. "I just thought I'd join you if you don't mind?"  
Ivan nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! You are always welcome to join me for a drink Matthew."

"As long as you're chaperoned."

"Alfred!"

"Hey." Alfred crossed his arms, looking like an OOC Arthur. "I'm laying down the rules. No drinking with...people." he amended, seeing the growing glower on Ivan's face. "Not unless you have other... people... with you." He finished sort of weakly.

Ivan gave a smirk and Alfred almost wet himself - or he would have almost wet himself if he were a little crybaby and not an awesome superpower...with SUPERPOWERS!

The Russian leaned forward. "Now I do not want to take you from your friends Matthew. Perhaps we should let them know that you're over here."

Matthew shook his head. "No need. I wasn't drinking with anyone but Gilbert."

"Come now Matthew. We're friends! I want to be on good terms with all of your friends so who are they?"

"No...that's okay. In fact, they might have left by now." The shy nation explained with a nervous chuckle.

Ivan stared, eyes focused and serious. It was like a weird cold war film - a vision of some poor helpless kid being interrogated by the bad guys! Someone had to save him!

"I think-"

"I do not believe that." Ivan continued. Alfred sat with his mouth open before whispering. "Ow."

He was only regarded with a quick glance by the Russian. "I do not believe friends would leave Matthew so alone. Who are these friends of yours? Although, I suppose if they are all friends of yours they must be good people." At this Ivan sighed and leaned back in the booth.

"I suppose they would value secrets, such as phone numbers and places of residence so that you would not be abducted in from the sanctity of your home in the rare event you were late for school."

"Lithuania, Latvia, and Alaska are in the far corner hiding as we speak." Gilbert stated coldly.

Russia was gone in a flash.

"Gilbert!" Matthew hissed amid the sound of Latvia's panicked scream. "What are you doing? You know they don't get along with Ivan."

Gilbert shook his head and leaned back, ignoring the sound of frantic pleading on the other end of the bar. "I know. Let's just say misery loves company. The more the merrier - it gets Ivan off my ass I'm all for it."

"Gilbert..." Matthew sighed, barely heard above the crying of nations in their mother language drawing closer. "I don't know what to do with you some days."

"Love me more?" Gilbert winked, causing Matthew to roll his eyes with a smile just as three more bodies were added to the booth. With a haughty look the Teutonic albino had just opened his mouth when a scowling Nikolai scooted over shoulder to shoulder with him. The sudden rigidness in Gilbert's body was missed by everyone but Nikolai.

"Aha! ah...y-yeah..?" The pale man squeaked, suddenly appearing very uncomfortable. "Cold...hands, huh? Get it from Russia?"

"Да." Nikolai whispered. "And you pull another stunt like this you won't 'get it' ever again. Verstehst du?"

"Ja~" Gilbert responded breathlessly with a quick and enthusiastic nod.

Alfred looked over. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing!" The Prussian responded, suddenly his breath back to normal. He cast a glare to his right as the Alaskan moved away with a dark stare but held his tongue. Alfred shrugged and turned away.

From the left their newly assembled group were Matthew, Alfred, Gilbert, Nikolai, Raivis, and Toris who had the misfortune to be seated next to Ivan who had pulled up a chair and blocked all retreat.

"Now this is a comfy group, da?" Ivan giggled. "So let's begin shall we? Oh."

He looked at the single bottle sitting on the table by its cold lonesome.

"Hm...that will not be nearly enough now."

Everyone at the table could agree to that.

* * *

**Authors Note:  
**

And once again...IT LIVES! IT WRITES!

And not near often enough. T.T

It seems as if my computers have eaten the last chapter or two of this story so it needed to be re-written. That with me working, trying go back to college in the spring, and working on a book. (long - something about politics - don't ask) I've been really swamped lately! I do love this fic and I want to continue. So I do.

This chapter is mostly a set-up for the next one. Yes, it does have a deeper motive - for we will be talking about Russian Superstitions, Dinner manners, and maybe telling time.

(I know, I'm horrible. These lessons aren't in any order at all are they! )

Anyway, Thanks for reading!

Oh! P.S.

**Word Bank**

Verstehst du? : Do you understand? ( informal )

Sorry, I totally almost forgot that not everyone understands German. ^.^;


	28. High Noon

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The manacles clacked shut. With wide and watering eyes the poor college student looked up at the ominous Russian who'd once again dragged her out of her warm and comforting room.

"But...I have to do my homework."

"Later. Write."

"But I-"

* * *

There was a dark haze that swarmed over the room.

"Write."

"Okay." Sniffle.

It was the end of days.

Like screaming wraiths from the underworld the fates had dragged him into a deep dank pit of nothingness where only fear and darkness existed.

In other words, Alfred was trapped at a bar with Ivan, Toris, Nikolai, Gilbert, Matthew, Raivis and there were no less than three bottles on the table.

The Latvian had managed to worm his way over to Nicki and was now sitting normally – the shakes having left him for a moment. In fact, he seemed to be eyeing the booze a bit too eagerly. On the other hand, Nikolai searched the area with wide blue-violet eyes, as if ready to run. Gilbert scoffed and leaned back in his seat. The sooner everyone was drunk and he could make a break for it the better. All of them had the necessary ingredients; a shot glass, some vodka in the shot-glass, and the obligatory reluctance to drinking with Ivan.

Ivan himself couldn't have been more pleased. It was a perfect opportunity to get his class back 'on the ball' so to speak. "While we are here we can learn some very helpful things. So, I'll give you a 'lesson' that you won't forget."

His giggles were enough to make grown men weep for mercy.

Alfred desperately looked for a way out but hesitated. How could he leave his kid and brother with the guy? He was an AMERICAN. He was never to back down, never surrender!

_Aw crap_. Alfred glowered into his drink. "I'll never see daylight again will I?"

"Of course you will." Ivan assured him. "Daylight always comes. Wait, were you asking if daylight would come again or - "

"I said I'd never SEE daylight again."

There was a long pause before Ivan nodded. "I understand. In any case, let us raise a toast!"

"You're totally cool with that?" Alfred yelled. "Dude what are you planning anyway?"

Ivan sighed. "I thought I was planning a toast."

"And after that?" Alfred inquired, brow knitted with whatever brows knit themselves with when you're really intense -you know the look. "I bet this is just an elaborate plan to get info from me! My intelligence states-"

The crowd raised a collective eyebrow. Alfred's eye twitched. "Look. All of you can go to hell."

"Alfred!"

"Except Mattie and Nicki cause they're my guys."

Ivan leaned back in his chair, seemingly unconcerned with the Americans outburst. "It is quite alright Matthew. I am well aware of how uncooperative and disruptive your brother is prone to be. I admire your tenacity and patience in dealing with him. But, the night is not so long so let us toast to health. Oh. And remember, you don't take a break between the first and second shots."

"What the hell do you-" Alfred began, horrible flashbacks of the dinner party returning.

"To friendship between nations." Ivan began solemnly. "And the hope that for every thing that separates us there will be two that bring us closer together."

To say that the assembled group seemed a bit in awe would be to suggest the earth is flat and blue and populated by people largely disinterested with whatever wasn't annoying or entertaining them at the moment. There were nods of affirmation all around and for once the many nations seemed to get along. The second shot and toast went well, as did the one after that. Once they'd taken a moment to thoroughly loosen up, Ivan began. Without warning he pointed at his hand.

"Пaлeц.

Toris gave a wane chuckle, as if he knew where this was going. Gilbert debated the merits of flicking the Russian off verses being able to walk later that night. Matthew seemed to brighten with recognition and Nikolai had begun a staring contest with Raivis who was sneaking shots when no one was paying attention.

And Alfred stared dumbly at the finger that Ivan was pointing at.

"Glove?"

"Try it again Alfred."

"Stop it. Finger?"

"I knew you'd get it eventually!" Ivan reassured him. "Yes. In English this is your finger. So if in Russian it is Пaлeц, Kaк пo-aнглйcкй пaлeц?"

Alfred stared.

And stared.

And headdesked into the table as his brain melted.

"Sound it out Alfred." His brother prodded. Ivan motioned to the Canadian. "Matthew can help."

"No! No one can help me now. You broke it. My brain broke"

The nations brother rolled his eyes. "You'd need to have one first Al."

"Are you alright?" Ivan wondered, grabbing Alfred ( quite roughly) by the hair to lift him off the table.

"AAAAAHH! Hands off Nantucket!"

"Are you going to be so simple all night? I hardly have the energy for it."

Gilbert gave a deep 'kese'. "I don't know. _I _could do this all night."

"If you had the liver for it." Ivan quipped, then he pointed to his hair. "While we're on the subject. What is this then?"

"Like I speak Russian." Gilbert growled. Matthew gave him puppy eyes and he groaned. "FINE. Вoлocы. Means 'hair in English'. "

"Say the phrase, I know you know it."

"Not without another drink I don't."

Ivan motioned to the bottle that was inexplicably almost empty on the table. "You have a toast to make?"

"Damn straight!" The Prussian stated with an evil grin. When every glass was set he winked at Matthew and began. "Alright ladies, this ones to the conquering hero and most awesome nation — Poland?"

The group stared at him like he'd suddenly had a stroke. He could have said chicken and it would have made more sense coming from Prussia.

"So, like. This is where Liet disappeared to."

Slowly they turned to face the not at all pleased blond with a preference for pink that was now glaring as fiercely as possible at his two self appointed nemesis'. There was a heavy thud and in the blink of the eye Nikolai was gone. Up and over the booth wall to freedom on the other side.

"AH!" Ivan yelped before cursing under his breath. "I took my eyes away and he disappeared. So you owe me my Koля, Польша."

"And it seems you owe me a Lithuanian. Cough him up."

Begrudgingly, Toris was released into Felik's custody who in turn gathered up a peacefully sleeping Raivis on his way out. Sensing that the odds had now been stacked against him, Gilbert took stock of the current drinking party of him, Matthew, Ivan, and Alfred.

"Yeah, you should get home." The Prussian said with a lazy stretch, adding. "It's not like you could handle this anyway."

Time stood still a moment.

Some challenges you can back away from — taunting from a neighbor, the derisive comments of that dick down the street. But not thinly veiled challenges from an old foe.

Alfred could almost imagine dust swirling around them — the noon sun blazing on high as the two squared off in the center of town.

"You callin' me a lightweight?" Feliks drawled, his horse giving a nervous whinny.

Gilbert tipped his black had ominously, spurs clanking in the Nevada dust. "Maybe you're just chicken. Can't handle the heavy stuff. After all, you don't drink — it's a sin or something equally stupid no doubt, right? Ke-se."

The challenged man adjusted his stance, ready for a quick draw. "You're in over your head Prussian. You're right, I don't drink 'cause some of us actually still have nations to run. But to lay low someone like you I can make an exception."

Alfred hid behind the saloon doors, hoping it would all be alright. Matthew took the first horse out of town. Ivan stood at the ready, willing to challenge the winner.

* * *

"OUT!" The barkeep yelled and all four were unceremoniously disgorged onto the busy street. For the sake of his sanity and housekeeping bills the owner had finally decided to eject the group before any damage could occur.

Ivan shrugged, then pulled out his phone while Gilbert and Feliks continued to have their stare down / imaginary shootout. Alfred watched in fascination — his drunk dreams were so much cooler than his sober ones.

There was a scared voice on the other end of the phone, then it calmed. Then Ivan said something and it became scared again. Then another voice got on, yelled in Swedish and hung up. With a smile Ivan waved at the group.

"Come. I know where we can go."

* * *

**Authors Note:**

This author will write more, she promised me herself. I hope you're learning something! It's so exciting; though I can not always keep track of Alfred's strange mental lapses. In any case, thank you for returning to this fan fiction selection. From now on I will personally assure that updates will be more regular.

Бoльшoe cпacибo!

* * *

Пaлeц: Finger

Kaк пo-aнглйcкй пaлeц? - How in English is Finger? ( or what does 'finger' mean in English?)

{Remember back when we went of Englands name? Y'know, years ago and stuff? 'In English' is пo-aнглйcкй. Technically it just means 'English' but you get the idea.}

Kaк — Think of it as a sort of verbal question mark. It means 'how' but doesn't always translate literally as I've also seen it used when English speakers would say 'what'. If you at least remember that it means a question is posed then that's half the battle.

Koля — Kolya. Nickname for Nikolai.

Польша— Poland in Russian language.

Вoлocы — Hair

Бoльшoe cпacибo! - Large Thanks ( or 'Many Thanks' in normal English )


End file.
